The~Arc~In~The~Sky~

Forbidden Lover ~

I will look at the stars as if they were my lovers. I will have the desire within me to love them as always as if they were my own. I will devour them as if we were one. I will sit here and I will watch the stars.

After all, humans tend to do these things when they are alone with their romantic ideals.

And right now I am trying to find an escape route. So I can forget all that is behind me and see all that shall come.

Perhaps what I have said and what I am trying to express has not struck you as rather interesting.

In simple English, I am mourning jealousy. Laugh if you wish but the fact remains. I am a jealous person and I wish to sit here and sulk.

Yes, and if you really must know I’m sitting on a reservoir. It is a small outlet located about a mile away from my house.

However, I am not alone in my sulking. He is with me. He is sulking for the same reasons except he looks better doing it. Whereas I express it better. His face is frowning. He has not taken the news very well and quite frankly, I don’t blame him. He has all the reason to be sad. But he is not sad. I sense that he is beyond sadness. He has reached a state of anger.

How would I begin?

The story is too long I would tell you. But it is important. It is important that no one makes the same mistakes we do. That is why writers write and painters paint and singers sing.

He will continue to look up at the sky and plot his revenge against her. One day we will see his romantic dreams. He looks to me now, his eyes pleading that we see things the same way. We often do. That is why we call each other friends. Where others have failed us, we remain. And we shall remain. This is a promise kept. Swear on my very hide.

Hide…..funny I should that word. If names are necessary then so be it.

His name…..his name can mean so many things and can be so many things. His name is as ironically diabolical as ever. My preference however is not to call him by that name but by his birth name, Woo Hyuk. But how I have repeated his name so many times in my mind I feel it no longer serves its purpose. His name cannot tell his story. Only another can.

And if you feel that the introduction for the storyteller is important then so be it. Lets call her Joy for that is her name and she will tell you his story. But this story is not just about him. It is a piece of herself. But this piece of herself is not something she can tell to anybody or pluck out of inventory everyday to be retold as if a fairy tale. After all, a storyteller has to go to bed too.

This shall be her story. And his too. For if she were to tell it by herself then the story would remain an endless circle. She needs someone to keep her in line and guide her so she doesn’t fall from the original plan.

The plan is revenge. The reason is because he has a forbidden lover.

That’s just the trick. The reality has not come yet. The point is, they are both hurt and they seek revenge and they seek redemption. They seek all the things broken people do. They are here sitting with me, on this silly reservoir in the middle of the city. His eyes are tired from crying and her eyes are crying because they are tired.

But they do not chose comforting words for each other. They do not pretend that nothing happened. Because something did.

Because if nothing ever did happen between them, they wouldn’t be sitting here.

I will look at the stars as if they were my forbidden lovers. They are everybody’s forbidden lovers. When people look up to the sky the feel these things. They feel a part of it. It is however merely a romantic fantasy that we fool ourselves by year by year. And my jealousy remains. It remains because I am jealous of all those who look at the stars the same way I do. I want them to be mine and mine alone but they aren’t. The glaze that is this endless velvet sky for all mankind.

So they are my forbidden lovers. I cannot love them because they don’t belong to me.

And I am his and he is mine and we shall forever be locked in this paradise. I should have never have loved him. And he should have pushed me away.

Therefore in his eyes I see the revenge he is plotting. Against me.

I am his forbidden lover, the revenge is against me. He has lost his true love because of me. I am his friend.

You see where this is going?

Do you see what Joy is trying to tell you?

It is a simple journey. Its the maps that complicate it. The directions of the winds and every stop per mile was not required but it was printed on the map.

Woo Hyuk looks at me now. He turns to me. His eyes enraged. He is not Woo Hyuk. He is someone else now. This is moment will pass I tell myself. His anger will pass.

But for now the pain and pleasure shall continue. I feel his hands hold me down on the floor and I feel him again….once more…as before.

As we repeat the history that made me his forbidden lover. And the stars are watching us. Gazing at us as his rough kisses embrace me. As I feel myself undone before him.

The quiet sounds of the night I seep into me as my breath grows heavier.

And if you were paying attention, there are only two people sitting on that reservoir.

I am Joy.

Heavens Drive

I woke up the next morning semi naked under Woo Hyuk’s arms. He was sound asleep and I did not dare move. I watched him in his peaceful sleep. The morning sounds of the city had woke me up.

He is a sound sleeper I am discovering and he does not wake up unless you make some sort of physical contact. I am tempted to smile and believe that he is mine. But I know he will wake and find that he has made yet another mistake. That is typical of him. But he is a not to blame. I encourage him and I do that because I am in dire need of his attention and his affection. I am a fool. I know I will one day regret this. I will regret the night I let him have me. I will regret breaking his heart. I will regret hurting him and his lover. I will regret all these moments I so cherish now.

But I most of all…I will regret being his friend. Or rather I would regret myself.

Jumping ahead of the story as usual.

It started a very long time ago. How should I put it….yes, it would be of how we met. How we came to know each other. We had long knew of each others presence previously. But what is important is not what we know sometimes but more of how it came to be.

Would I say it was a day marked in the stars? Would I dare say it was something or something up there that cruelly played this charade with us. At the end of the day….these are my questions.

I look at him again. Feeling his arms limp around me. When he wakes….he will feel nothing but pain and regret. As I have.

I am him. He is me.

Like I said before. It is a long story. So let us begin quickly. As you have already might have guessed, this is a simple tale of how two friends make the wrong choices.

Friendship, such is the common word most used for the bond between two people of no relations who suddenly realise that ‘Hey we’ve got something going here’…hah! They dare call that friendship! What kind of friendship is that? Ours……

It was perfect. He trusted me cause his trust ended with me and I trusted him for the same reasons.

But until today…up till this moment. I had believed that we were meant to be. Knew it, I still believe that.

(Flashback)

"Joy!" Adeline yelled as she saw the birthday girl. Adeline and Joy had never been very close as friends but it was that that made them special to each other. They owed each other nothing and therefore the friendship was never tarnished nor emotionally affected.

Joy smiled and waved as she saw Adeline coming towards her with open arms motioning her embrace as a sign of affection as most people do to suit the common occasion.

"Happy Birthday Joy! Gosh I sure hope you like your present! I really had no idea what to get you so it really isn’t something great!" Adeline added as she pulled away from Joy. Joy did nothing but smile. How many times had she heard the same words from each and everyone in the room. After all, this was what you got from such ‘nice’ people. They were all nice. If one were to backstab the other the friendship would remain only for the reason that they didn’t want to deal with such stress.

And that was what made Joy the person she was or rather is. Her problem was that she was just a little bit smarter which made her a little bit dumber.

"Its really alright Adeline….its the thought that counts" Joy replied. How many times had she said those words tonight.

Joy looked around the rooms as Adeline got up to get a drink for the two of them. She scanned the sea of faces laughing, dancing, chatting….she felt strange to be in such a place. It was quite a painting that she wasn’t in.

Joy smiled to herself. Almost laughing in the process. She could have easily have been in the picture as well. But it was too simple for the artist to let her in. At the end, she would have to pay the price for being in the drawing. She would have to give up the one thing which she stood by all this while.

She would lose herself in heavens drive allowing herself to be just another other.

Then she wouldn’t be Joy. She would be just Joy or the Joy or so and so’s Joy.

Sure, at the end of the day she felt just lonely and angry and most of all confused. But this was her promise to herself. That she would never lose the one thing she owned. The freedom to say what she meant. How you would laugh and reply how everyone had that freedom but for just a short instant in you live you cannot ever say there was a time where when you wanted to say something the most you did. Cause people do that. People dont give themselves that freedom because they are afraid of what others may think or say.

That’s why I promised myself I would never be like them. I would never fit into their heavenly painting.

At that very moment Adeline returned holding two white paper cups and smiling as usual.

"Here Joy taste this……Chien Li made it and she swears its bad but honestly I think its pretty nice" usual words sprouted as usual. Its not that Joy wished herself and thought herself better then her supposed friends. Merely she was one of those people…who were just out of it the picture.

"Thanks" Joy smiled again.

"Girl, there’s someone I really want you to meet" Adeline said as a tall boy emerged from behind her holding her hand and smiling not quite too convincingly.

"Joy this is Woo Hyuk…..Hyukie….this is the girl I was telling you about! Remember? The one who hates Tsung Hwei sooo much!" Adeline commented as she tried to refresh Woo Hyuk’s memory.

"Oh…yeah…" Woo Hyuk replied as he extended his hand. " Well we got that in common" he smiled as they shook hands.

Joy smiled. Any person that hated Tsung Hwei must at least have half a mind.

"Ah….your the person Adeline’s been talking so much about" Joy replied as she studied Woo Hyuk’s white face it was quite cold looking but at the same time quite fascinating. His lidless eyes made him quite harmless yet his sharp black pupils made him sinister. It was almost as though every feature on his face was tailored to contrast.

"Well…why don’t you two chat a bit and get to know each other…I’m sure you guys will get along!" Adeline added as she chirpily excused herself as she wanted to go talk to some other friends.

She held on to Woo Hyuk’s hand for a little longer. Smiling at him as she kissed him on the lips shortly but sweetly. He smiled at her as their fingers slowly parted.

Joy had almost killed herself watching the two lovebirds. She smiled as Woo Hyuk turned again to her.

(End Of Flashback)

I see Woo Hyuk before me. Slowly stirring awake. As he frowns due to the sunlight. His eyes open and look straight at me.

"J……J…..Joy…..I’m….I’m so….I just…" Woo Hyuk stuttered as he found the words to explain himself.

"It’s okay Hyuk"

Its always okay. We stay there for awhile both slightly embarrassed and both feeling strange. After awhile he finds an excuse to leave. I watch him climb down after he is dressed and watch him head off.

The sun had risen. Fully on me now. I soak in its rays as I slowly tear. I’m not crying. Its the sun hurting my eyes.

Or so I tell myself.

The~Arc~In~The~Sky

Drivers High

Things can only go downhill. So crash into the rolling morning I am now in my sisters yellow BMW driving past the vivid trees and silver glazed rails that never seem to end. The future sound of London’s ‘We Have Explosive’ almost at maximum volume not because I would actually do that on a normal basis or use it as an excuse to somewhat display the oh so very supped up bass my sister has recently installed but merely just for the fact that I would like to just…………

Gosh, its no use. Here I am acting with all the indecency I have in myself trying to block my own thoughts. What…just cause I play a song loudly…doesn’t really mean its helping me forget.

So why do people do that. Doesn’t really seem effective. My guess is that its just another romantic ideal that all humans tend to share. Just like my explanation on the stars. It seems that way.

I look again. Its as if this time in day….all things collide within each other. The sun is up…but the stars are still out. I could easily loose control while not quite focusing on the priority of the moment.

I know that in awhile my forbidden lovers will leave me…and let me be as I once was. I see them now. I know that most of my objectives were truly inappropriate. They tell me.

By night they are with me, he is with me.

And way day breaks, they leave me, he leaves me.

Forbidden lovers drawn together by the tapestries of heavens drive.

I close my eyes but only for a second so that the colours among the black may at least humour my misery. I look at the crystal clear highway before me. The same scenes replaying as if on permanent rewind mode as the unnatural secondary trees groomed into a particular fashion to tailor this everlong road.

What was once the tears I cried this morning is now a stone within me. And each time I shed his tears the stone grows heavier. I wish I would promise myself not to shed his tears. But I can’t promise myself so many a thing. A person can only keep so many promises let alone ones to themselves. I feel the tear stains slowly dry slowly forming a layer of skin dryer then the one before.

I can’t go on like this for long. I will feel these tears again sooner or later and I’d rather the second. I will almost suffocated within this small car.

I let the top off switching further down the road where one would pass by and say ‘Look a show-off’. But at the moment, I couldn’t care less. Or would I? Maybe I’m just saying that. Maybe when someone really does pass by I will feel the slight ridiculousness that I would normally feel on a regular circumstance being not the mood I am in at the very present.

The song blasting from the radio has now reached is climax. I guess this is where I pump up the acceleration for a further high.

Hah! As if almost inventing a name for it. A drivers high. What one would achieve if one wanted to feel the thrill of speed or just the breeze blowing into every empty space on your scalp. Ripping the skin on your cheeks while the wind blows face on, on to you only to leave you wanting more.

Wanting more……………

As I have felt today. As I have felt the first time we were together. As I have felt the first time we were one.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ever met him out here tonight. I knew this would happen….why didn’t I stop it? Why didn’t I stop him? Better yet….why didn’t I stop myself?

At the end of the day. I have only myself to blame. So at the end of the day. I need to find either a solution or an excuse.

Today, I choose excuse. I am in no mood and in no condition and in no state for that matter to find myself a cure, a remedy….a solution. We should have stayed friends. We may have never have experienced…and we may have never have felt those things. But we would have never have regretted. But now….at the moment…there is only one thing I can tell you as I experience this drivers high.

I wish you were here. I wish you were sitting next to me. I wish you would drive this car as you had so many times before. Just to sit next to me, just being there, as my friend, as someone to laugh with as we did so many times on this very road at what moment in time I would not remember. But I remember you here. And I remember myself.

So perhaps all I will do is remember, and perhaps I will just do that for now. Hang on to what is good.

The sun. Now probably higher then it was when in last remembered my bare shoulders under his arms. I look up a little….just as if to soak in its rays. The sun leaves only to be replaced by the stars.

My forbidden lovers. Once again.

And the song has ended. As well as this moment.

I look up. Waiting for the moment when the stars will come out again.

The~Arc~In~The~Sky

Cradle

(One week earlier)

"Please Hyukie??? Please??? I really want you to come tonight! Mom and Dad wont be home…they’ve gone off for the weekend and they wont be back until Monday! Its perfect! Pleeeeeaaaaaaase?!?!?!?!" Adeline almost begged Woo Hyuk as they had one of their standard three hour couple calls like they did everyday. It was almost a sickening routine.

But he bared it. He loved her. She loved him.

"Yeah……so you want me to come over now??" Woo Hyuk asked in a patient voice almost delighted at the thought….Adeline and him…alone…the whole night.

Almost a dream. He couldn’t begin to explain himself. This girl…this girl who seemed the total opposite of himself at times drove him beyond his imagination. She took him places within himself he never knew existed prior to their meeting. Strange…it was strange…he knew what she was like and he could even anticipate her every thought and the fact that she could never understand him…his revelations or his ideals…and yet….he would find solace in her.

Adeline…sweet Adeline. Just another Adeline…..just another teenage girl with another life.

With a lover she could never understand.

"Hyukie…..promise me you’ll come A.S.A.P okay? Don’t leave me waiting!" She replied in an almost predictable way.

He smiled. Almost as if she could hear it over the phone. And he hung up in anticipation.

He progressed slowly as one would in this matter. Slowly showering cradling his thoughts on tonight. On Adeline. Wondering if what he felt for her was normal….or if what he felt for her was what this purpose was all about….the mention of a thousand tales and the readings of a thousand books all spoke of such.

A word meaningless to mention. But sure as it felt. He knew it. Adeline may have not been perfect. Sure as hell not perfect for him. He knew that. He knew it right from the beginning. It was pointless to ignore. It was ridiculously up front. She was not his type. It would have sprung a thousand whispers in the curtains if he had said or if he had tried to

convince himself that himself that she was. After all, as if there wasn’t enough inner turmoil to deal with for the days needs.

He got out of the shower….changing the subject in his mind. Slowly focusing on the main objective. He found that perhaps his weakness was this. He could not focus very long on something. As if he would try and he would fail and he would try a thousand times later only to find that he would repeat the same mistakes only he knew he was making them.

Well….better you know that you dont know then to dont know that you dont know.

He changed. He had put sufficient amounts of thought into what he would wear. He would have never have admitted it but he had. Yet when worn it would seem as though he had not. To be subtly careless but at the same time not to the point of dress down.

What one in Osaka would call ‘uncle casual’

He looked at himself truthfully in the mirror. A cradle of his image. Cradle meaning incompletely kept. Cradled within denial.

As if being truthful in this world to others wasn’t hard enough. Woo Hyuk had lied to himself. Lying to oneself does come often….however lying to your image in a mirror would be ignorant.

I will explain as we go along. A cradled image however is a short process. You see yourself as yourself but as smaller….smaller on the scale of truth. Oftenly he stares at the mirror in truth. But once the facade is created and the scene set and the curtains ready to be raised at any moment. The actor will play his part. He will recite the lines as planed, he will cry the tears on command. He will feel the applause form the crowd. However as content as he will be at the end of the day. He will be lying. He would have lied to himself.

The world is a stage and a performance can never be perfect. The big truth is to ugly to mention.

Woo Hyuk looked at himself. Cradling this image that the moment was perfect at the future even more for a moment.

True to yourself. A fairytale indeed.

For if ever you look at yourself and see beyond the cradled image that you prepared and believe then you are either a fool or insane. No one can ever see beyond that image. It is too beautiful and beyond it is the ugly truth.

And the truth told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent.

So to believe the truth for some would be nearly impossible. So we except the cradle.

With open arms…..extended beyond the hearts content.

He looks away from the mirror. Satisfied with the momentary image displayed. He will witness what he last saw be it the truth or not. Who cares about it anyway?

Nobody looks beyond the cradle.

Woo Hyuk carried on as planned. He left his house. Closing the door behind him ignoring the whispers as the door shut. The slam of a door…..a memory to forget.

Adeline. His one thought. To see her……to be with her……to feel her…..

To taste her.

As no one had before. As never before.

Love is………a tragic lie.

As love is a cradle….easily slept in.

Adeline would remember the night. Woo Hyuk would remember it too. It was quite an experience. Or so he told me the next day.

I took it quite strangely. At that time….I was not sure of my feelings. In fact he was a friend. And when a friend speaks of such personal matters(depending on the basis of the friendship for that matter) its either you would ask more out of sexual curiosity or you would be completely grossed out.

I however was sexually grossed out. I did not want to know. I had not asked. Yet he had told me because he had trusted me. Trust on this basis I would hardly begin to understand.

In this point in time. He had been with Adeline for three years straight. No one ever doubted them. Sure there were a few sceptics here and there. But three years at this time and age was quite practically a miracle.

I saw her face the day after. I saw her in school. In her turquoise blue uniform. Smiling. I wished she hadn’t smiled that way at me. She had not known I had knew. I knew about her and Woo Hyuk. I swore I would have never have suspected myself. But I had. And I did. And I cant deny it.

I hated her. And I hated her. And most of all I hated her.

And the moment she smiled that morning smile in the barely rising sun…the one I had witnessed a thousands times on our reservoir where we would spent countless hours ….me and Woo Hyuk…..

She had stolen that smile right of his face. I couldn’t bare it. That was mine. That was mine alone. That was something she could never understand. Not someone of her simple mentality.

I ran. Almost politely. Hah! The thought of it sickened me. I sickened myself.

I sickened myself so badly I hid in the girls toilet for the first four periods of school that morning.

……close your eyes……close your eyes…..

I kept telling myself. This was not real! It was impossible! What was I upset about??? What on earth was wrong with me? Had I confused myself into thinking….thinking……

I ran out. The smell sickened me….I sickened myself…what kind of friend was I….to both of them….I was her friend first….and one she trusted…and then I was his friend…and the only one he trusted.

How could I have?

Why did I?

Why was I jealous of what they had?

What they had shared?

I wondered then. And at that moment…I looked up. I saw myself in the dirty fingerprint stained mirror which had been glanced into a thousand times by countless faces each in their own set of cradled thoughts…

And I saw myself. Truthfully. And how ghastly I truly was.

When you look into a mirror…without a doubt in yourself.

You will not sleep…it will be impossible to ever look yourself in the mirror again. I have avoided mirrors since.

I am afraid to look. I am afraid too see how truly ugly I am inside.

The outside will never reveal what is really within.

Woo Hyuk.

You will never know.

How much our image resembles each other. Except that yours is filled with a thousand dreams. And mine….mine….

Is a thousand ways to crush your dreams…

She may be yours. But she is mine as well. In many ways you cannot have her completely.

I have known her longer.

And I know that if you love her…if you really love her.

Then you have lied not to yourself.

You have lied to me.

Because your in love with me and you will never know it.

……………….there is no meaning………………..

For I have slept all my life in a cradle. And now I can no longer sleep there. I only want to lie within.

The arms that held her.

End~Of~Chapter

The~Arc~In~The~Sky

Dive To Blue

The story has come along quite nicely I’m sure by now you understand. You understand the emotional surface and what has happened to us physically. I need not explain what happened between me and Woo Hyuk a few weeks later. It is plain to understand that we ruined ourselves by committing ourselves to that factor.

I would however like to summarise. But I shall not. It is not important to describe if you understand. You will know better.

What can I do now? Now that I have only known that it was a mistake. That all I ever felt was a lie because I was jealous of her.

I have written a murder of ballads. I have written a song of hate and a sign of jealously.

I no longer trust my instincts or my feelings. I am what you would describe as shattered. I would like a repair. A fix…a mending. But what good is that when I have something worse.

I have the memory of him. I will not forget. I have not seen him or heard from him since this morning. That is not strange. I expect by now. He is in the same situation as I am except he has already gotten the rough idea of what he shall do to solve this mess and to ignore what has happened.

Maybe he will succeed. And he will forget me and his life would be as simple as it was before without me to complicate things. Maybe I shall do him a favour. Maybe I should leave.

And dont you think for one second that this story is gonna end with me leaving and he dumping Adeline to chase me back cause he realises that I am his completely.

I have confused myself. And by doing so I have confused you in the process.

He does not love me. I know it now. I see it now.

An most importantly. I feel it now.

When we are together. It is different from when he is one with her. It is difficult to explain. There is no love. Just the art of it. There is no emotion. There is only pain that follows pleasure which we long for a thousand times in my mind. Let me tell you.

It is not worth it. It is as good as a blank letter. The thought and the title is there. But never the true meaning or content.

I could lie to myself. I could give it another title. I could pretend that it was real and that there was a certain degree of emotion in it. However after knowing your image and trying very hard not to pity yourself I have dived into the blue and out I have come. White a new. With a truth I know now.

And it is not something that can be erased or denied.

He has touched me without touch. He has kissed me without lips and he has felt me without thought. And every stroke of him within me was just a motion without reason.

Except we were lost in a blue of confusion. We dived to deeply into the blue.

I cannot leave. I could be dramatic and run away. But where would I go. I could try to talk it out. I could let another soul know of this matter. But I will not. The story will end with me.

Unless….Adeline has already told.

Ah…..I see…..but you want to know how she found out?

(A few days earlier)

"Hyukie! Don’t forget that you have to iron that shirt okay? You promised me!" Adeline reminded Woo Hyuk as she moved towards the door, leaving his house after spending the standard weekend at his place. They were merely high school students but the time they spent with each other in the past few weeks would amaze even the oldest of lovers.

It was too deep. Woo Hyuk felt it the morning after their first. Right from the moment he opened his eyes and felt her arms around his shoulders, her hair playing by his ears and her legs wrapped tightly around his waist he knew. She was too pure….too true and that she was too good to be his. He could never deserve anyone that rich in self.

Perhaps it was an excuse. He felt at times that he was pitying himself and that their love was yet to diminish and that this was only the beginning of many more years to come as he had pictured a thousand times in his mind as he did with so many a thing.

All his life….all his dreams… unacomplished goals and all the things he had set for himself in the past all mapped deep within the depths of his mind kept there shallowly for future reference. Just like his life with Adeline. Yes, laugh if you must but he truly felt that her hair would one day turn grey before his eyes and that even when they were old and grey she would still be there for him…to remind him for the hundredth time that he was to do something. Just as she did today and the day before and the day after.

His thoughts were broken by her voice. Almost truly the one thing he could never get sick of.

"Hyukie…..oh……its raining! How am I gonna get home?" she said as she looked up to the sky almost as a little girl looks up to and over towering adult. Her childlike expression one he would always remember.

I have a thousand photographs of you in my mind.

Each I saviour waiting for the next to call my favourite for they all fill me with such content and utmost happiness.

He smiled. Slowly to himself as he was caught doing so often lately.

Have I invented all this happiness? Have I made me love you?

Or is it you who made me love you?

It doesn’t matter.

Am and you and you are me.

We have dived together hand in hand into the pink, red, green and yellows and all the other colours that come to mind when I describe whatever you would like to name what it is that I feel.

You will never disappoint me nor fail me. I know that. My only fear is that you have fallen to hard and that I will be the one to disappoint you.

Adeline looked at Woo Hyuk almost with a silly expression.

"Hyukie…..what are you doing?? Why do you have this lost face on your face?" she said creeping slowly back to him playfully.

Cause I’ve lost myself to you?

"Hyukie….stop being such a weirdo! You’ve got this silly expression on your face!"

All people look like this when their in love.

"Hyuk!!! Answer me!"

I am answering you. Listen carefully.

Adeline smiled at Woo Hyuk again. Not fully understanding him. But she did. She threw her arms around him. Pressing herself fully on him as if it would show him just how much she cared. Woo Hyuk…she could never really explain what it was that made him what he was but he was. He was another person nonetheless but there was just this thing about him. As if he would never disappoint her for he knew just what she was and what she could be and what she wasn’t.

I know you understand now. Because I understand the same.

Joy stopped in her tracks as she caught a glimpse of what was happening behind the walls. What was the use of doors and paint. One does not need eyes to see and ears to hear. She felt it. She was there when it happened.

There they stood. A trio. A triangle.

Meant to be….within each other arms. As their lips met only to bind the truth.

And never meant to be. Watching in silent hate. In silent hurt and with silent tears. She knew not why she felt this hatred for Adeline. When had it developed?

Joy quickly acted making sure their happiness was broken. Ignoring what she had seen. She walked straight in ignoring the lovers moment.

"Oh! Ooops! Oh…god…I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to! Er……..I’ll just.." Joy turned back out the door. Smiling to herself as she knew she had caught them off guard as she completed her moment in a bluff of innocence. It was almost like falling on a fresh patch of ice and pretending out of sheer embarrassment that you were seriously injured.

"Oh....Joy!" Adeline flushed in embarrassment pulling quickly away from Woo Hyuk’s arms. " Oh Joy…I’m sorry! Please come in! I was just leaving!" Adeline continued as she quickly left out the door pass Joy and had just enough time to smile goodbye to Woo Hyuk.

"Hyukie….remember to iron the shirt okay? I don’t want you wearing anything else!" Adeline yelled one last time before she ran out of the gate.

"What’s up with her and the shirt?" Joy asked curiously as she pretended not to be affected or to have paid any attention to the event that happened just a few moments ago.

"Haha…..well…" Woo Hyuk smiled as he reached towards the chair where his blue shirt was hanging, slowly folding it in his arms with a semi-smile. As if Adeline’s lifted presence was already missed.

And that Joy wasn’t even in the room.

"Hyuk! I’m talking to you!" Joy yelled with a smile as she slapped his back.

She reassured herself that for a moment his friendship would have a thousand more meanings then his love. After all, his love would mean that there was a boundary to their honestly. Their friendship had always been based on honesty of the most brutal level.

"Ah…what did you ask me again?" Woo Hyuk asked…breaking his concentration from whatever it was that had distracted him in the beginning.

"Nevermind" Joy replied assuring herself that her first assumption was completely wrong. She thought it was bad enough to have known that they were bound by each other through a degree she would never experience with him.

But to see its first act before her very eyes. Sealing themselves before her in a way she would never know. That had killed her. It killed her to think that someone like Adeline, who would never know Woo Hyuk as much as she loved him would have that honour upon her.

How dare you kiss him.

In truth it wasn’t a kiss of death to her. She already had the knowledge. But the sight ruled beyond without any redemption. It was impossible to judge what it had truly sparked within her. It was no decisive moment. But it had made her feel twice the impact.

Study the stars if you may, read a thousand books if you wish. Have the best philosophers come to you and your call, re-ignite the days of Aristotle and charm them with your words.

But ignore me till the day you feast upon the real sight.

As I have today.

I have a thousand photographs of you and him together hand in hand. And it sickens me to have taken them.

"Hey Joy…..you think that after tonight your gonna be free? I’m just thinking of our standard routine? Woo Hyuk inquired as he spied Joy within deep thought.

What is she thinking about? I look at her now, her tiny frame seems so floaty as if she is truly beyond this world. Even now, within some mental state she has probably surprised herself again.

For along time I was alone. But now I am not. I feel fulfilled. Both love and the lesser of it.

She and Adeline. The only two I trust. For they trust each other and they rust me. Trust breaks after a certain degree.

In truth, you must trust no one. Everyone trusts someone therefore everyone actually trusts each other. Never trust a person with too many friends.

I trust you, you trust me and you trust someone else.

Therefore my secrets don’t die with you. They die with another you trust.

I trust Joy, for she had no one to trust. She was just like me when I first met her.

I fell in a deep wondering after meeting her there that night. Her face so different. Her voice so stale and flat. Her motions so direct.

But when I look at her. She reminds me only of one thing. Myself.

It is impossible to like someone who reminds you so much of yourself.

Some may argue, and state in the bowels of their minds that me and Joy suit each other more. But I could never love her. And she is not a fool to fall in love with me either. We aren’t that foolish. We are a level above understanding and it is something that will always be tempered with but never will it be broken.

When I see you, I see myself somewhere there. Our faces so different but the depth’s so alike. The same tapestries and the same windmills that make the patterns and that shape those thoughts.

Scary as it is to me sometimes, I try to see things differently but I end up failing to. Sometimes its hard to converse with you. Even though you need to anticipation. You are what I am. The same diverse creature.

How did this happen? Why did he create the same person over again? If I were a hopeless romantic I would say we were meant to be. But I know better then that.

I have no attraction to you. And I can guarantee you have none for me. I would think about it once and awhile when I am somewhere lost in thought like I am right now. A thousand thoughts have blown and a thousand ideas sprung from a seconds glance.

Intoxicating Blossoms….. ..blowing by my windows………

You see them dont you? Only you see them Joy. That is why you are so precious to me. But I cant love you. And you cant love me. So lets just keep things the way they are.

Plus…..Adeline….you know what she is to me……..what she has done for me….every day she is there…I wake up only from a dream of her to see my dream in reality only to go to sleep and dream of my reality. She is there for me.

She may not have what we have……this truth but I have something else that we dont have and that you can never give me.

I love her Joy. And you know that. So why am I acting so afraid?

You doubt her love?

Maybe………

You doubt you cant love me?

Perhaps…….

You know me?

I’m afraid…….

Of what Woo Hyuk?

I’m afraid I dont know you? I’m afraid that I cannot predict this?

What do you mean?

I dont know……………..

I’m confused…

So am I Joy……..

I’m confused about the way…..

I look at you like I would want you?

Yes….and that…..

Me too.

They stood there. In silent conversation.

Intoxicating blossoms. Dive to blue. Straight into it. Without hesitation..

I’m afraid too Woo Hyuk.

Afraid of what?

The same thing you are?

That you no longer know me?

No…..that you no longer know me.

…………………………………………………………………………………dive………………….

Slowly into the blue and never regret. You cant regret until you have tried.

Then tell me…what it is that I dont know?

You know Woo Hyuk…..you do….

Tell me out loud….with your voice. Tell me I’m not imagining this conversation in my head and that I’m not going crazy! Tell me that this voice is yours and that I’m not talking to myself!

But I am answering you! Listen closer….

I can here you! But…..

I’m not Adeline Hyuk….I dont need a voice for you to hear………

I know…..

And I dont have to remind you everyday…

Joy…….

And I can Woo Hyuk. That’s why you dont know me anymore….

No Joy….your wrong!

I’m not!

Its you who have lost me….

Cause I think……..

You know it Woo Hyuk….

But……

We dont need words. Just say it for me and I’ll know.

I……

And I to.

Joy looked at him finally for the last time she would see him as a friend.

After all. It was too late.

Dive straight in.

Into the blue…..as you have with a thousand things you risked before, but no longer cherish…this feeling….let it live and never let it die. Hold on to it as your grip tightens. Feel it travel slowly to the depths of you mind.

Erase all the photographs I have taken and let me hang on to one that I will always remember without even looking or thinking about it.

You dont know me very well.

Cause if you dont know this. Then you know nothing.

Well, same here Joy.

End~Of~Chapter

The~Arc~In~The~Sky

Larva

Suspect- be inclined to think; have impression of the existence or presence of (often + or) mentally accuse; doubt innocence, genuineness or truth of

subject to suspicion or distrust

She wakes from the cold morning. Or rather the morning is cold because the air conditioner has made it that way. What was once the still of night and its cold air is now broken by the sunlight that meets the morning sky.

Adeline stirred slowly awake greeted by the unwelcomed sunlight that came true her bay window blinds.

She opens her eyes unsuspectingly. As she expects nothing new of the morning. Nothing to jump out of her closet nor to receive a letter from a place she cant even pronounce. Her feet rest upon the cold floorboards which mark the whole upstairs. She looks out the window from afar enjoying the beauty that is morning. Her view is that of trees which line the horizon as her horizon is blocked by the school opposite her house. Swallows appropriately fly by to make the morning seem even more so like one.

School…..

She made her way to the bathroom playing out the usual routine of preparation. Her morning were not really ones you could seep in. After all it was hardly morning if you were to name the hour by its look. Sure, the sun was up but time would tell you that it was only 7 a.m.

20 minutes was all it took her to shower and change. She had a quick breakfast out the door as she walked to often down the road she knew better then the back of her hand as she rarely glanced the back of her hands.

Down the road she walked unsuspectfully. After all what was there to expect?

(Elsewhere)

guilty-(adjective) having, feeling, or causing feeling of guilt

It was hardly the time. It was already the hour. And overslept they did.

Woo Hyuk woke up feeling unusually accompanied.

"……..what the…."

Woo Hyuk felt someone sleeping very close to him. Too close. He opened his eyes slowly, ready to receive the shock………

Joy.

As a butterfly slowly opens its wings…..

Towards the path of the open sea…..

Joy

I find myself recalling..

Those words you said to me…..

Joy.

As if a thousand nightmares accrued in a dream the colours slowly blended and shattered as quickly as they met. One with all confusions and repeated again and again.

She was still somewhere beyond normal thought. A soft and bare smile painted across her face.

He had never seen her like this. So peaceful looking. So at rest. So utterly filled with……

Peace.

Oh god….what have we done……

Woo Hyuk did not move. He dare not move. Any slight motion would stir her awake. He needed time to think. What was the outcome going to be? How tainted had they become? What really possessed them to commit such?

He recalled slowly what had happened and what had led them here. The feeling of yesterday now dead. Dead but not buried.

What have I done??? What have I done???

He looked again. At her face. He felt her tiny hands holding his tightly as if even in sleep she was angered. As if she…..

Didn’t want to let go. As if she were afraid to let go. As if she knew in the morning they had to let go.

Her face….so timeless in the morning. A face he was unfamiliar with.

As if a she was once a larva now a butterfly I sleep. In the end it was the same creature, the same soul but physically the change was dramatic. He felt the sunlight now hit him slowly as it had risen towards his shoulders and it was now upon her face as she had slept on his chest. He felt her slow breaths moisten his skin.

He did not know what he was supposed to feel. At the moment, he only felt confused. Unsure….

Adeline…..ADELINE!!!!!!!!

He had betrayed Adeline….sweet Adeline. He had done the unthinkable and he had done it with his most precious creature.

Joy…..he had betrayed her as well. He betrayed their trust and the one thing that had always bound them as different.

He had fallen too hard into the blue. How could he have not seen it? It was bound to happen. With the amount of emotion portrayed in that little act of understanding prior to its climax he had known. He had suspected right from the moment she walked through the door that it was done. That it was mapped. That it was a tangle about to form.

It was a larva…….sleeping silently…..

Joy felt the sunlight sting her eyes as she opened them only to have them great Woo Hyuk’s cold eyes staring straight into her.

Please dont hate me.

(Elsewhere)

Adeline looked at her watch. It was strange, the day of course was like any other. She sat there on the bench with her usual bunch of friends with the noticeable exception of Joy.

But Joy was one not to come to school very often. Her on and off behaviour and the fact that she was pretty much a cold receiver made her absentees quite regular.

However it was more puzzling that Woo Hyuk had not shown up either. He had never once not showed up at school without telling her. She hated the fact nay, despised it that he had not informed her.

Sure it sounded silly. She was angry at her boyfriend for not telling her that he was to be absent. But she had expected him too. He had always called her the night before or the morning itself to inform her that he was not to be present.

Had something happened to him on the way to school? Had he met with an accident?? What if she were never to see him again??

No…that was impossible. And stupid of her to even begin to think of such a thing!

It was merely a possibility. But she prayed that it wasn’t an option god had taken.

Adeline’s concentration was truly broken. For the rest of the day it seemed that her mind was elsewhere.

The school bell was a saviour. She grabbed her book bag and ran out almost ignoring the ‘wait ups’ from her friends.

Tsung Hwei however stepped right into her path deliberately to stop her.

"Okay Adeline you’ve been acting really strange the whole day and that’s not like you….you better tell me what’s going on?" Tsung Hwei added, almost exasperated that Adeline had not told her anything of the matter.

"It’s….it’s….nothing really" Adeline said almost trying to calm herself down and make her eagerness to continue her run less obvious.

"Your lying! Look Ad…you better tell me! I’m really worried here!" Tsung Hwei added trying to look her best at being concerned.

Adeline suddenly remembered what Woo Hyuk had told her about Tsung Hwei, that she was a facade…that her beautiful face was truly a despicable mask. Then she remembered prior to the time that she had met Woo Hyuk…Joy had said the exact words.

She knew that her friend…her long time friend Joy and her new found love Woo Hyuk would be tight.

Woo Hyuk and Joy. They seemed so alike in many ways.

That’s it! Joy would know where Hyuk was! She was probably the only other person that Woo Hyuk would tell if he were to be absent from school!

Adeline ignored Tsung Hwei’s words and quickly made her way to Joy’s place hoping that Joy would know where Woo Hyuk was.

After all….she would wouldn’t she? Know exactly where he would be.

Adeline trusted her to know.

After all….you trust your friends dont you?

End~Of~Chapter

Butterflies Sleep

I have slept too long when I realised I should have been awake. Perhaps it was because I didn’t want to wake up. A dream I have only dreamt awake.

Woo Hyuk…..please don’t hate me.

Please…..I could not handle you not looking at me. I could never handle the idea of you hating me….despising me….looking at me as if I were a disgrace, as if I was the guilty one.

For I am guilty?

But Hyuk….I’m not the only one to blame. You came to me first. You only allowed it because you wanted it too.

I cannot deny….you have changed me now. I now know you differently.

I know you……I have felt you. I have now truly been with you.

As a lover

Hyuk…..

Woo Hyuk stare slowly lifted off Joy’s eyes. He now searched for an excuse without reason. His cheeks slowly blushing out of fear and embarrassment. He stuttered as he began to speak slowly abandoning any attempt to pursue any form of speech.

"I’m sorry Hyuk.." Joy began not too sure what to say but taking her chances all the same.

Woo Hyuk refused to look her in the eye. He couldn’t. She saw his eyes…slowly filling with what things may be.

"Hyuk….I’m sorry…I shouldn’t be…" Joy continued..

"Forget it okay Joy" Woo Hyuk replied flatly as if nothing had happened.

He brushed the hair out of his face with the back of his hand. Slowly attempting to regain himself and whatever he had lost.

Without hesitation he got up. He pulled himself to the side of his bed slowly pulling his pants back on.

Joy did nothing but stare at him.

It had meant nothing to you. You….just….

"Joy…...please leave.."

"So….that’s it huh? You’ve got me here and now….I don’t get you you know! I really dont get it!!" Joy yelled as he walked past her to his closet, swiftly opening it as if to deafen her words.

"Don’t Ignore me Hyuk! Don’t just stand there and ignore me! Don’t you dare!" Joy yelled again.

"God dammit Joy! Just get out now! We’ll talk about this later okay? I just really cant handle this right now!" Woo Hyuk yelled back as he turned to face her. His face now fully irritated and angered.

But strangely…they were both crying.

I’m so sorry Hyuk. I’m so sorry I ever met you.

"Joy, just leave…I cant bare it" Woo Hyuk continued as he softened his tone trying to calm himself down.

"Hyuk…please…just look at me…"

Woo Hyuk closed his eyes. Afraid of what he might see. Afraid to look at what he had done. But even through his blindness he saw her face. He could not run, even within his mind she was there. Her small face looked so weak…not like the usual unflappable expression she had so easily painted once upon a time.

Please…not now…not ever…

"Woo Hyuk…..look…..please….just look at me….just look at me so I’ll know…"

What is it you want to know?? What is it you want of me?

"Please just look at me…." Joy pleaded again. Tears that formed slowly fell,

Please look at me so I know that you don’t love me.

Because I know you dont.

Woo Hyuk refused to open his eyes, slowly letting his tears race across his white cheeks. What had he done??

What have I done….?

I dont know what I have done……..what have I created? Have we finally tested ourselves to a point of no return?

Have I tarnished you…stained you with my own filth?

"Woo Hyuk! Please!!" Joy said as she slowly reached for his hand.

And all of a sudden he did. He looked straight into her eyes. Straight.

You dont love me. And I know it.

"There, you happy Joy….now please…don’t make things any harder for the two of us…." Woo Hyuk replied. Once again a figure of ice. His words cut like the cold that forms on semi formed particles of ice on a hot day.

Joy remained as she was. Still upon his bed. Silently looking at him. Truly with heartbroken eyes and a heart that wasn’t.

"I’ll go now" Joy answered equally emotionless.

She lifted herself of his bed. Never thinking once of what they had experienced last night. Over and over she would remember what happened. But that was what it was.

A memory not worth having.

I am….. a lover not worth having?

Joy got up and gathered her clothes quickly as she changed into them without any form of thought. She picked her shirt from off the floor as she pulled it on to her bare back as she slowly began buttoning it. Her thoughts shattered and regained only to repeat.

Last night…..we…..

What made me think that…

Did I lead you?

I think I lead you?

No…it was my fault..

No….

It was ours.

Once she finished dressing, Joy quickly stood up and headed straight for the door. Not even glancing behind.

She closed the door. Never once thinking of slamming it. Never once thinking of being bitter about the whole thing. She couldn’t. As alike as they were, she had always been the weaker one. Once in awhile he would have said something that hurt her but she would often shrug it off as she knew he did not mean it.

She hadn’t been fully honest to herself in doing such.

If only I were stronger…if only I was sure of myself…..

I have been sleeping to long as a larva. And in your arms I led a butterflies sleep. In your arms last night I felt truly beautiful.

But now I awake, a dreaming girl.

Still in a butterflies empty shell….with my wings….tattered and torn, as you ripped them with your bare hands.

Hatred….I know but dont feel at this moment. I only feel this desperate need….

To see you again.

(Upstairs)

I have fooled myself. I have fooled myself. I only love Adeline…

I’m sorry Adeline…what did I do to deserve you? I know now, that I have failed you too soon.

Joy…..god.

Woo Hyuk looked at the sheets that they laid in, they seemed filthy to him. He reached quickly only to pull them off violently so that the sounds of cotton were noise to the ears, he clutched them as he dumped them on the floor. He stared at them, in full rage and tears. Not understanding his own actions.

What am I doing?

He looked at the bed. Where they laid.

He threw the pillows off, slowly catching the scent of Joy in them….not it wasn’t her smell…it was his as well.

It sickened him. It sickened him so badly.

How could I….with Joy….with her of all people. She wasn’t meant for this!

He ripped the cotton which once donned the pillows. He brushed the sweat from of his face.

He couldn’t stand to look at his bed. Where they had slept. In each others arms.

He turned away from it. Slowly falling to the floor as he gripped his hair. He placed his head softly on his knees. Letting his cries be known to the room furniture. He mellowed softly in his sorrow.

He turned in all his sadness to look at the room around him. He was afraid to move. Once his private central now the scene of his crime.

He faced the door, looking at it pathetically as well.

Let my sorrow be. I just want to be alone. I just want to sit here and cry. I have heard all I want to and seen all I want to….just let me be. Just go away and leave me alone.

He spoke in no particular direction.

Something caught his attention as his sight shifted. Something all too haunting.

He moved slowly to pick the sheets which he had ripped so carelessly a few moments ago.

There he saw. A blood stain. It could only mean one thing.

What have I done??

(Downstairs)

Joy sat down on a chair. She could not bare to step out the door. Not quite yet. She wasn’t ready to face the world and all its open door closets which revealed its skeletons all to well. It was too bright and too demonic to face right now.

Let me stay here. Just for awhile longer.

They feel no pity for me. They cannot relate to me. They will feel as if it is my fault. Is it? Is it truly my fault for loving?

Have I done wrong? Am I not to love?

It is ridiculous to think so. How am I capable of this denial?

Its just him I cant have. He’s Adeline’s and I have to face that.

Joy got up. Slowly walking towards the direction of the door without a doubt that she was not ready. But she had to be. It was a no win situation. And it was just a matter of time.

The complications were too many and the odds too high. She had to face the world. Cant stay in here forever. She would have to face him again later. Worse, she would have to face Adeline and at the same time keep a straight face. Sure she had imagined or rather wished or fantasised to herself that Adeline would be out of the picture by some way of miracle. But to even begin to think of such would do no justice to the words wishful thinking.

Joy would need a miracle. An impossible miracle.

……..as a butterfly opens its wings….

…………….to the path of the open sea…..

…………I find myself recalling…..

…….those words you said to me…..

…..as a butterfly sleeps in peace….

…………..from which its light came…

…..I find my dim light flicker…

…………………my shattered wings in flames….

Adeline came through the door without warning.

End~Of~Chapter

Perfect Blue.

Her eyes. A silent thought would slip from her. Her doubt would envelope her. Her suspicion would devour her.

Adeline looked at Joy. She had not thought once of what was real.

"Oh, Joy your here!" Adeline said without hesitation. She sensed nothing.

Joy looked briefly at Adeline. Her unsuspecting eyes.

I have betrayed you in the worst way. My light now flickers and shall soon fade from your view if you read me well enough. If you see through me. If you look within me.

Which I pray…..you dont.

"Oh…..Hi Adeline" Joy replied looking away from her quickly. Blame it on the bad actress.

You have come truly at the worst moment. Any second sooner would have been easier and any second later would have been an answer to my prayers.

God is truly against me in all ways possible. What am I to do? After all…perhaps I shall just play along and let things be. I am not the juror here and this is not my court.

Adeline….if there ever was a reason to hate me prior to this moment lets just call it invalid for you have a real reason now.

As is to fit the moment. Outside the window the leaves rustled pass the tiled floor in a swift dance with one another slowly enveloping the distances between them.

I find no relation to this act. It is merely another distraction as I so often witness.

Adeline…I sense puzzlement from her. She it not quite to sure of my distance. She comes closer to me.

"Joy…are you alright? You don’t look too good…." Adeline said not too sure what to expect. Joy after all was quite emotionally unpredictable. Everyone else would be enjoying the moment but silently you could see it in her eyes that she was in tears. And if the moment was one to grieve for quite scarily, you could almost hear her laughter. She was strange in that way. Adeline could think of no one that would act that way.

Except Woo Hyuk of corse. But he did it in a more executable form. Whereas Joy was just plain eccentric.

"Joy….are you sick?" Adeline question quite worried. Joy looked almost on the verge of rage yet she was unnaturally still.

Dont make the wounds any bigger. Dont worry for me. I’m not worth your sympathy.

"Joy?!? What’s wrong?? Are you alright?? Talk to me!! Tell me! Don’t just sit there! What’s wrong?? Where is Woo Hyuk?? Is he alright?!" Adeline asked again quite hysterically.

Joy turned. Her streaked face now once again damp from her tears.

"A…A..Adeline…" she did not know what to say.

"Joy…where is Woo Hyuk?? What happened?? Are you guys alright?? Did anything bad happen??" Adeline fired once again a thousand questions impossible to answer.

For the answers…are always the things you least or rather last expect. The world is like a treasure box. Its full of dumb surprises that should have made you laugh instead they only tire you out from the repetitions. But it is the pattern of it that you shall never guess. What u think u least expect will never surface. But what you never thought of.

Will knock right at your door to greet you face to face.

Woo Hyuk. Of all the moments. He chose the perfect one.

I laugh again at this tragic painting. Intimate as it is. It is truly comedic. The main characters all in one painting. Harmoniously there she stands, the heroin, the pure girl who has never done wrong, who is eternally beautiful, timeless, innocent, every little girls dream.

And there he is. The not quite tragic hero. He wins your sympathy however.

And then there is me. The bad guy. The one who made the story possible however.

"Hyuk! There you are! You know how worried you’ve got me!" Adeline said smiling in relief at the same time.

"What happened?" she asked as if to justify her curiosity.

I have often wondered about these questions that the common human asks. Is it really out of worry…care….or is it just a thirst quencher?

Woo Hyuk…you cant answer her can you?

I look away. I cannot face him. I leave it in his hands now. I could have walked away at that moment I could have made it a perfect blue once again.

Instead…I set the whole thing into grey. Letting it stay that way. Three always made an unjust colour after all.

He stood silently. Not even once looking at Joy. Not even once being able to be so close to her. To think…..

"Hyukie…please…tell me what’s wrong?" Adeline said once again…..not even beginning to have the rough idea.

Or so I thought.

Her innocent eyes looked back at me. Puzzled. Playing games with themselves as they guessed the answer the questioned. I saw them debate amongst themselves, not excepting what really is the hard truth except rethinking…re-mapping…

Finding a means to the madness.

She looked at him. The same eyes. The same questions.

And all she could find back and forth…back and forth.

Was the truth.

After all….it always reveals itself. Sooner or later.

Better sooner to the innocent and better later for the guilty. In this case.

I dont know where I stand?

She backed away a little. Slowly sitting down. Trying to gather herself and her thoughts. Trying to play her hand at denial.

Why am I still here? Why am I creating imperfections in the blue?

"I can’t….my god…I cant....how could…." Her words tailed into sobs. Her cries where heartbreaking to the average heart. However mine was already too full of bullshit for anything.

Woo Hyuk held her or rather he reached for her.

"DONT TOUCH ME!" she yelled. Quite sure of herself now.

"I CANT BELIVE THIS!! I CANT BELIVE YOU BOTH DID THIS!! HOW COULD YOU!!! HOW COULD YOU EVER!!!!" Adeline yelled once again…..this time out of anger.

"Oh god….oh….god…" she slowly stopped her yelling. She stayed still as her tears fell quickly.

"Adeline…I’m…sorry….I cant" Woo Hyuk tried..

"Leave me alone Jang Woo Hyuk" she said quite flatly. How ironic to think that that was the exact tone he had once used against me.

"Adeline…please…just listen to me…its not what you think!" Woo Hyuk replied. Strangely that was truly uncalled for. Because what else was there to brand it?

I looked and yet I didn’t at the same time. I was too much a coward to face it straightly so I spied. I saw her face. A common one of frustration and hurt. Planning her revenge already. She was all fired up with every reason.

I feel nothing. I want to feel nothing so I don’t. Or maybe there is an ounce within me that would wish to feel guilty, that wants to cry for her, that would have already said a thousand words if I really meant them.

But what did I really feel at the moment. I felt a certain degree of sadness. But….

No Regrets??

Heartless…..that was what the common tale would be. The word of the day.

My words are getting stale. I shall no longer continue. Words are useless.

I am only making myself the victim with them.

Her screaming continued and the tears flowed even more freely now. Her words……I caught all of them but I chose none to leave with.

Day by day I shall move on. And I shall forever be in doubt of what I am in her eyes now. I no longer know my stance or status.

Traitor?

Bitch?

Heaven knows……….only an imperfection in the blue.

That was how I looked at myself.

Was it only then that the animal within was truly at its wildest? At its truest form??? Perhaps it was.

I often crminalize myself so I suit my thoughts. Perhaps it is the common tale that one would not truly admit.

Another outstanding imperfection in the blue.

I will look at you. One last time. And I will forget this thought.

As I look at you know. Staring icily at the screen which this tale is being told.

Your thoughts. Are imperfection in the blue. Just another taint in it that was flawed. And what you truly think?? Does it matter? Do your opinions count? Are your thoughts worth their every penny? Does anyone really care?

Of corse they do. And of corse your thoughts have their own legacy and value to them.

But to who their own? And to whom it shall. That is another question all together that would eventually lead to the blue.

The perfect blue.

Where I stand, uninvited now.

A stranger at the party, and unwelcome host.

And her thoughts, his thoughts.

Were always cherished.

As they were truly.

A perfect blue.

End~Of~Chapter

Shinjitsu to Gensou (Illusion Of Truth)

In truth, there would be a thousand empty thoughts I have not mentioned. As if I have not already spent all this time portraying the sheer uselessness of it all.

For once, I will be frank.

Adeline had guessed quite incorrectly. Her simple train of thought had not allowed her to guess what had truly happened between us. She merely knew that we had expressed our emotions in an unprecedented way which was truly against all form of moral she could ever comprehend. She merely knew what of the meagre introduction which lead to the true act.

How could I have not known? It was impossible to think of more then what I had already expected of her. I never expected anything of her or from her.

Right now as I speak. My car has come to a halt. I have taken half an hour of description and fitted it into five chapters of the portrayal. The message has come across not very clearly.

But it does not matter. The past does not matter now. I know the past. I have no knowledge of the future. Therefore I have no idea what will happen now.

Refresh your minds. It was clear and apparent that after that day I did speak to Woo Hyuk again. I did see him. We were as one again and after.

Their break up was quite official and it truly was a shock to everyone. It was uncalled for. No one really knew why they weren’t together anymore. I thank her truly for keeping silence. As if it wasn’t difficult enough to hate me already. She had somehow made me feel worse by giving me that respect.

Or perhaps I am blind? It was quite obvious that she had done it out of her own pride.

After all…..would you go around telling everyone that you were cheated on by someone close to you?

I beg to differ.

It was whatever it maybe…..a saviour to my hide.

Her silence was a blessing in disguise.

The common guess was that at the end of the day. She just grew bored with him. They both made it seem that way. It would be a lie to say that this was their first spat. They had these on and off but it never led to a true separation.

To summarise.

After I walked out of the house, the quarrelling continued. It did not last long however and it did not end well. He called me shortly after that. I had not expected him to speak to me on such free grounds.

He knew…….and that was what made all the difference in the world. And I knew. He loved her. As he could never love another.

Much to my own hatred. I know I am unsure of my own feelings for him. I hate being in this situation. I hate not having control over my own emotions. If I cant control even that I dare not speak of other things.

And on top of things. I knew why he called. He was truly alone. Unequalled once more. I had known that previously he was a true loner. Then after Adeline and after our friendship was formed only then did he learn to trust.

Such a melodramatic soul isn’t he?

Even now. I cant put him to words. They do him no justice.

If only you could see as I do. All it ever takes is one look and you could be truly mesmerised.

I speak to him. I see him…..his long thin eyes that never welcome anything…..the thin lips that seem so impulsive.

Had I not taken a photograph of you and looked at it a thousand times in my mind Jang Woo Hyuk?

I am at lost to you.

But some things have to wait.

For your love for her will always be there.

He talked to me. He told me of how he had not known……he was equally confused.

All he knew was he wanted her back.

I shall look to the stars as my forbidden lover for they are all lies in truth.

There is no reality in an illusion.

There is only the confusion that there is truth.

We met shortly after that. On the reservoir that night.

Your eyes are like illusions that tell me lies. If I had never looked that I would have never have lied to myself about you.

But what is one to do but continue lying.

Its hard to stop lies once you start. The same goes for lying to oneself.

I’ve made a fairy tale for myself and all its aspects revolve around you.

Illusions that carry truth.

Enough of this.

After we met on the reservoir. I had not expected what he would do. I could not anticipate him.

And he did the last thing I imagined he would.

A man out of love is a man to be reckoned with.

To feel you….to want you.

To need you.

As I will fall again.

An again.

Into the arms that hurt me the most.

A confused heart with a weak mind that was once strong.

Jang Woo Hyuk.

Your name….so simple in its form. But the impact you have made in my life. The lover you have become. The friend that you almost could have been at one time.

You have walked into my life. And I only have one.

And you’ve taken it away from me. It may be my fault as well.

But you are just as well.

And all the blame.

And I will shed no more tears over you. I wont waste my life chasing you.

But its too late.

Do what you will. You have my luck as a wish. You have my thoughts with you.

Where I will go. It does not matter.

Resolve what you will with Adeline.

She doesn’t deserve you.

The fact remains. As confused as I maybe by the illusion that I have created.

Tis still the illusion that I wish to believe.

I dont want to lie to myself as I have already lied to myself too often too much.

Let me live. And let me be.

And let me be the end

Of my misery.

Goodbye Hyuk.

From a love unknown.

End~Of~Chapter.

What Is Love

"What is it like to fall in love?"

"Well….. say the object of affection walks by……"

"Yeah?"

"First….your heart falls into your stomach and splashes inwards….all the moisture makes you sweat profusely….then this condensation shorts the circuits to your brain and you get all woozy…….when your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until the person leaves!"

"THAT’S LOVE!?!?!?!?"

"Er…yes…medically speaking!"

……………….Taken from "Thereby Hangs A Tail"

……………….By Bill Watterson.

(Six Years Later)

Woo Hyuk remained silent as he awaited the moment. Although there were times when more was at stake and other things were in dire condition. Nothing equalled this moment.

He walked out of the gates. A different person. A smiled appeared on his mouth but only to his own knowledge.

"Hehe….my last day" he thought silently as he turned around to look at the place one last time. How he would remember this place only as it was for his last day being a student here. Tomorrow he would graduate and be out in the real world.

It felt nice. Having that command. Having that knowledge that tomorrow he would wake up and never have to get up and go to a system.

Looking back at the fountain which had greeted him every morning for the past four years when he first entered college. It seemed just yesterday he had come here without knowing much of what life would bring.

He smiled again. Watching the trees which laced the sidewalks. His walking companions whom he had come to know quite perfectly.

He reached into his pocket. Making sure that it was there.

He looked at his watch. Spot on time.

(Oh well punctuality is a die hard trait)

He smiled again. If one had not known better you would believe him to be insane.

He looked at the few cars that passed by. The sound caught his attention. The cyclists that would pass by I their greatest of ease to occasionally look at him as if he were slightly off with that permanent smile on that illustrious face.

The winds were not that cold. The weather was truly fine. It was not too cold and not too warm. Enough for a cardigan but not a scarf.

He pushed both his hands into his pockets as he leaned against the terraces of the gate.

She would soon be out. As he had a silent countdown to the bell.

An sure enough to his prediction it rang.

Noise quietly erupted from all corners of the block as the students were dismissed.

Today was the last day before graduation. To some it would bring great joy. To others it would be quite a depressing time.

For all this period in their lives, had they not spent every year as a student?

As for Woo Hyuk. He was happy to leave. And at the same time, he realised that to a certain degree, he would lose what he thought for a long time that which was his daily routine.

But in many ways all the same. It would be a memorable day.

For more then one reason.

He looked up. They sky. The ever present sky. Hardly a bird in the air except the occasional minor.

The clouds….almost peach as the sky had turned a radiant evening pink. He looked back at the earth where faces of so

many he had passed by everyday and took for granted…he realised, he would never see again.

There was one face in the crowd. Undeniably inviting. Her soft brown hair. The smile that could welcome a thousand war hero’s home.

And the eyes he had long loved.

"Hyuk!" Adeline waved as she saw him standing quietly and the gates edge.

He smiled. Directly to her and to no one else. She hurried her pace quickly saying something to her friends short of and everyday goodbye and see you later for dinner and turned to him again.

She almost ran to him smiling as he opened his arms to greet her. She hugged him in return and kissed him quickly on the lips.

"Hyuk were done! Its finally over! We never have to read another damn textbook again!" she said out of happiness.

"Hehe…..you said that when we left high school!" he replied taking her hand as they began to walk.

"Yeah….but I cant wait for tomorrow when I wake up and I realise I’m not a student anymore!" she said once again with the happiest of expressions ever described.

"You sound happy to leave!" he said teasingly.

"Well….of course I’m kinda sad too….I mean…..aish…its scary you know? Were finally on our own. Venturing into the world as adults….we’ll have jobs…houses….salaries….we’ll pay taxes and do what not! And whatever it is that we never thought we would do!"

"That’s true" he smiled as he tightened his grip on her hand. She turned to him for once with nothing to say. Merely a smile.

And a smile was all he needed.

He stopped walking. Smiling to himself almost shyly.

"Hyuk….what’s wrong? Is something the matter?" Adeline questioned almost teasingly. She knew that he had some silly idea or the other.

"You know……its funny you should mention all that" he replied.

"Oh? And why may I ask?" she said again….peering at him almost jokingly.

"Adeline…"

But he needed no words. He didn’t even finish his sentence when he took her into her arms under that pathway laced with the falling leaves from autumn trees under the pink evening sky where the occasional minor flew by.

He kissed her. Ever so sweetly. It was a long kiss that would tear even the stubbornnest of hearts. It was almost never ending

Adeline pulled away slowly. She was breathless.

"Hyuk…" she said as she saw before her something she had never imagined. It twinkled even in this starless sunless time of evening.

She looked at him. Without a doubt.

"Say you will?" he said smiling calmly as no one could ever ruin this moment.

She looked again at him. Beyond him. Straight into him.

Within him as she saw the shape of things to come.

In all its brilliance. In all the beauty that life could posses. In all the tears of joy and the laughter that would echo down your memory and shape what you would leave as an imprint in your soul.

She saw all that. In a moments glance.

We are only humans. Carried away by the feelings of the moment in our own minds view.

We are only capable to do so much. Mistakes we make in life….the countless regrets.

All part of a human being being human.

All these things, are the things I cherish so dearly.

She looks at him now. With different eyes.

What is love?

She looks at him with the truth.

In a glance in silent moments

The truth in a perfect blue

I find the only truth I ever knew

Was the truth I see in me and you.

"Yes…..I will" she replied. Sealing her life in his hands. Letting the moment sweep her away as she steps into his arms once again. Embracing him and showering him with kisses as her life is complete.

As is his.

As things should be.

What is love?

End~Of~Chapter

The~Arc~In~The~Sky

~Pieces~

(a year later)

I would chose to fill this moment with stars. Endless amounts of them so I can present to them my only gift.

What will you ask of me if this is all I can give? All I feel worthy of giving.

I carry each of my silver stars in my hands, in a glass bottle. One that can be seen right through but never for all.

Twinkle as they do in their magnificence.

I shall present these stars to the lovers. For only they are worthy of such radiance.

I made each of these stars with a wish to each and every one…..in my hands I look at my own misdemeanours. Each life I touched and each that touched mine.

I walk holding them in one hand and in the other another.

I look down and smile.

Her eyes are so familiar I think often then I remember, tis the same eyes I once knew in my own gaze.

Her laugh, her voice….even the way she walks.

Tis the pieces that make her such.

"Where’s the bride?"

(Elsewhere)

"You ready dear?" Chien Li asked looking at her childhood friend.

Adeline. Decked in a thousand forms of white. Her pristine dress was tasteful and almost uncannily her.

From the long flowing skirt and the chiffon underneaths right down to the white lilies that were tied with crepe eggshell cotton. She looked beautiful.

Her eyes, never looked more wondrous, her skin never more delicate.

Maybe we are fooled at weddings. Maybe tis our own romantic ideals that carry us away.

After all……at the end of the day, we are all human.

She smiles now at Adeline. Their close bond never frail. They remained down the years good friends. Dependable ones.

"Chien Li…." Adeline said almost with a hidden thanks.

"Yes Adeline?" Chien Li replied as she looked up from her brocade edged hat.

"Thanks….just for always being there….for being my friend" Adeline said with the smile that made her what she was.

"Hey Adeline….don’t mention it! Look enough with all this nonsense! We better get going or your gonna be late for your own wedding!" Chien Li replied shuttering Adeline’s almost dramatic speech to her. It was that which made the human that she was special in my eyes.

I saw her. I have always seen her as this human being unequalled. Chien Li had such remarkable qualities within her that made her such an unsung hero.

I looked at the bottle of stars in my hands. How each of the little stars represented something that I could never be. Every trait I wish to have but stumble in wishing so.

I have counted the flaws and I know my truths. I also know my faults and within each imperfection I have planted within these stars.

I pass them on to you. In hoping that these will bring beauty in your life and that you do not make the same mistakes I do.

After all, it is important that the tale was told so others do not bring the same mistakes we did upon our selves.

Laughter is cheap, anger is costly. I was always making the wrong choices.

"That’s the bride?"

"Yes…she’s beautiful isn’t she?"

We spied her. I could see her slim tall figure waiting behind the doors that were being begged to be open by every eye in the house.

I turned to face the front. I look at the huge cathedral around me. The stain glass windows featuring the face of the Madonna herself.

A the scent of flowers everywhere. The colours that burst within the dark room.

The faces of so many, unknown to me.

A few in the crowd, none worth mention.

All these pieces that I once knew all in front of me.

I have returned to watch them fall into place as the pieces find their own way to their respectful places.

I look forward beyond the scene that is this cathedral. This huge place fit for a kings wedding.

And I see him. The face of all the photographs I call my memories.

The one who held me before and never again.

Woo Hyuk.

Your eyes….they have changed. I sense change within you. I see you.

The every detail of your face I have often envisioned in the time that I had taken away from this place.

Tis all the pieces that will make the picture.

The portrait itself is beautiful. The colours make it what it is…the tones…..the strokes….the hues

And you and Adeline…still make a wonderful masterpiece.

But you forgot.

I saved the best piece for last.

(A little further up ahead)

"You know Woo Hyuk…..I think your one lucky man" Hee Jun whispered

to Woo Hyuk as he glanced behind as a sign of conformation.

"I know" Woo Hyuk replied quite jokingly.

"You’ve got the girl you always wanted….hell! what more do you want!" Hee Jun said again.

After all,

Tis only very appropriate to say such things to the almost weds.

"Well, I know that too" Woo Hyuk replied again

"And you know what else I know?"

"What?" Hee Jun said opening his already huge eyes even bigger.

"I’m glad I picked you as my best man!" Woo Hyuk replied on a more serious note.

"Hell….Hyuk….even I knew that!" Hee Jun laughed a little as they shared their little joke amongst themselves.

Tis the laughter that makes the pieces in your life possible. It is the good times that are the major pieces.

Tis these pieces that make you what you are.

"Hey….Hyuk…you did see her right?" Hee Jun interrupted.

"Who?" Woo Hyuk asked not exactly paying attention to Hee Jun’s words. He was more preoccupied looking back and forth from the door which his bride was supposed to emerge from any second now.

The bells that sound the hall shall mark the day.

The pieces that make you what you are shall never fade away.

Not a single….

"Joy…she’s here! I cant believe you didn’t know!" Hee Jun said a little louder as if to finally grab his attention

…piece shall.

Woo Hyuk stopped for a second. Closed his eyes.

And looked strait into the sea of faces.

As if I could read his words…..I knew……he looked for me.

Even he in his own curiosity cannot deny that he would not want to see my face for he does.

He scanned quickly with an almost panicked look on his face.

Where are you……where are you hiding Joy.

I’m right here.

Where are you now….are you really here….today……to watch me and Adeline unite?

I’m here.

If you are here………where have you been? Why did you leave….there was no meaning to your motions…..no method to your madness.

I’m right here.

Where are you….am I blinded from your face? I can never forget your face. As many years have gone by…….I would want to see that face again…..

Woo Hyuk stopped looking.

Why am I looking for her…….she is out of my life! She brought upon me all that pain.! Why am I looking for her now…..tis her face I cannot bare the sight of!

But why am I still looking.

His eyelids scanned the crowd just as Adeline came through the massive doors as the organ echoed off the walls. And still he looked. His head cautiously moving back and forth each row and aisle not looking once at the main aisle where Adeline slowly succeeded from.

And then he looked at Adeline. His bride.

He smiled. He could not see her smile under her veil, but she did. The flowers were only second in beauty to her.

The tiny whispers swept through as she passed down the faces…the pieces in her life. Of how beautiful she looked. Like a blossoming flower amongst the decay. Of how she would make an excellent wife.

Of how they were the perfect couple.

Where are you Joy…..

I’m here Woo Hyuk

Tell me where….so I can see………so I know….if I am doing the right thing…..I’m waiting for you to show yourself…..

I’m right here Woo Hyuk.

Where?? Where are you??

Here……

I cannot see!

But you can!

I can’t!

I’m right here waiting…..

Waiting for……..?

I’m right here waiting for you.

……and is the pieces that make your life every sorrow…….

Woo Hyuk suddenly paused. As if not quite sure that what was going on was really going on.

When he saw Joy’s face.

She looked the same. No change.

She was still Joy.

His Joy.

Adeline up walked next to him equally curious as to what he was looking back at.

"Hyuk….what’s wrong?" she whispered.

"Huh?" as he snapped back quickly into reality.

"Hyuk….were getting married!" she reminded him with an impatient smile.

"Yeah…sorry…I’m sorry…I got distracted…." Woo Hyuk confirmed as he turned to face the priest.

Tis the pieces that make my life possible.

Tis each that I love and that gives me love.

And every piece in its own a treasure.

As every piece can only hold one area

Can only fill one moment.

And only when all the pieces fit…..

"In the name of the father….the son….and the holy ghost"

Tis the words that are the pieces that allow us no know.

Tis the words that join the pieces.

I hold these stars in my hands. I shall pass them on to you. I will look to the stars as my forbidden lovers. I will have the desire within me to want them as my own. I will devour them as if we were one. I will sit here and I will watch the stars.

After all, humans tend to do these things when they are alone with their romantic ideals.

How I remember….every piece that made my life the thing it is today.

And how my lifetime was spent searching for the pieces.

"Amen"

"Let us pray….you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery, a symbol of Christ’s love for his church. Hear our prayers for Adeline and Woo Hyuk, through your son Jesus Christ, our lord, who loves and reigns with you and the holy Ghost…..

And how I always wanted the pieces to fit right into the place I wanted them to be. But instead I always ended up shoving them too hard.

"……one god……"

And how the missing piece that so long I have searched for will always be lost to her…

"…forever and ever…"

……forever and ever……

Amen.

"Amen"

I shall give you these stars….these little pieces of me.

"…..I shall now ask the freely to undertake the obligations of marriage. Woo Hyuk, repeat after me…….I do solemnly declare.."

"That I know not of any lawful impediment"

"Why I Jang Woo Hyuk"

"May not be joined in holy matrimony to Adeline Hong"

"May not be joined in holy matrimony to Adeline Hong"

Tis the pieces that bind you in your mind.

Tis the minds eye that hunts the pieces.

You are a piece in my life.

I watched you pass through my life and once out and back again.

I wont lose this piece again.

The procession continued and soon I watched the biggest piece in his life join up and become one.

And I know now.

That the biggest piece in my life in missing.

The hour soon passed into another. The reception was held just a little while from the cathedral.

I tool my seat. She sat next to me.

"You know…the bride’s skirt resembles a meringue!" she naughtily joked.

"Hehe…yeah…I know it does" I replied.

Chien Li came in my direction. I could already hear the talk amongst the faces I knew of how I had mysteriously reappeared back in town without warning or invitation.

"Joy……is that you?" Chien Li asked bending her head a little welcoming me with a smile. I held nothing against her. She was always welcomed in my mind.

"Hi Chien Li" I replied with a not quite there smile.

"Goodness! I mean….WOW! I haven’t seen you in a long time! Where have you been?? Have you spoken to everyone?? They are dying to talk to you!" Chien Li exploded into a series of questions.

"No no! Haha……no…I’m not staying here for long….I just want to give the couple a present then I’m off" I reply cautiously.

A tap behind my shoulder and I nod at her.

"Go get us some cake" I whisper at her.

"So Chien Li…..how long have they been engaged?" I asked referring to the newly weds.

"Goodness! You dont know?" she replied enthusiastically.

"Well…I have been away I really haven’t been in touch with anyone…I just got back in town yesterday and I heard that pretty much everyone never left town and that they were getting married" I replied once again. It was the truth, I had known that they would reconcile but I had not expected such so soon and so early.

"Well…..they have been engaged for about a year…and….oh, he proposed on the day the left college!…..You really know none of this do you?" she replied confirming my surprise.

"Well….yeah….even they don’t know I’m here!" I laughed a little. It was true. The only two people who had recognised me so far was Chien Li herself and Hee Jun.

"Well….then you have to go and talk to them! God Adeline misses you so much and Woo Hyuk…..well….Woo Hyuk grew a lot quieter after you left!"

It had surprised me. Was Chien Li lying? Adeline?? Now why would she miss me after what I had done to her? But…..she never lied.

"She didn’t tell you?" I asked. Seriously this time

"Tell me what?" Chien Li asked confusedly.

Good lord. It had remained a secret. I stalled in amazement. Nobody had ever guessed.

After all…..was it that hard to imagine?

"Nevermind….just forget it.."

"Oh…I have so much to ask you and tell you…..why don’t we sit and talk!" Chien Li offered.

What I really wanted was t get out of this place. To leave this piece unfinished. I didn’t want to be here.

I could no longer regain my piece in the life I wished.

"Okay….."

"Great!"

(Elsewhere)

Where the hell is that damn cake?"

(Elsewhere elsewhere)

"Well congratulation Mrs Jang…your now married!"

"So how many kids do you plan to have?"

Adeline laughed as she had the time of her life. All the pieces in her life fit finally to form a picture second to none. How many could say the same.

(Elsewhere)

Okay I see the damn cake. Now where are the damn plates?

Woo Hyuk saw this stranger…he had not seen her before….was she a relative?

"Hello" he said as he looked at her.

"Oh, hi Mr Jang!" the girl replied.

"Er…..can I help you in any way?" he asked.

"Yes…I’m looking for a plate…I cant find a single damn plate in this whole place!" she answered.

Woo Hyuk held his laughter. For a young girl she certainly didn’t talk like one.

"Hehe…how old are you?"

"I’m seven this year" she replied

"Wow…..that’s pretty old" he teased.

"I’m not old!! I’m new!!" she replied.

"Okay, okay! You win!" he laughed again.

"I’m hungry…."

"Okay let me get you something…you go sit with your mommy and I’ll be right there okay? I wanna see who you belong to!" he smiled.

"Okay but I better warn you then!" the girl replied

"What?" he asked smiling yet again.

"My mommy says she doesn’t want you to know were here" she whispered.

"Who is your mommy?"

"That woman in the blue dress over there"

……………….intoxicating blossoms……..

…..that drift by……

Tis the pieces that have explained why I am here.

Woo Hyuk looked straight at the woman. The mother of the child.

His Joy…..

…………………………..

…………………………………..

…………………………………………

………………………………………………………………. ………………………….

….dear god……

He looked down at the girl. Her eyes familiar, he knew them from long ago.

They were….

…………………….the intoxicating blossoms that grow by my window….

…

..his eyes.

He stared. Unquestionably in her eyes. The eyes that once belonged to him. The same spark.

"Tell me…your name…." he asked slowly waiting for the confirmation.

"Shih Ling…..Yoo Shih Ling…"

The name without a different surname.

Yoo….was Joy’s surname.

A child without a father.

Woo Hyuk looked at the girl again…her skin…her thin pale lips…the icy expression……

All his.

He looked up he saw her. Her hair a lot longer her face unchanged.

As she looked straight at him.

I’m sorry you had to find out this way Woo Hyuk. But she will never belong to you.

Shih Ling ran to me as I pulled her and held her. Little had she known that the groom was her father.

I will not tell her. I will not make the day any worse for him. As if seeing me will not anger him enough.

Tis the pieces that sort will not themselves for they have to be sorted…and I was never good at finding them their places.

"Shih Ling…sit down here for awhile okay? I’ll be right back" I whispered in her ear quietly. I was not a very good mother I will never be one. How can I be one? I am a child myself in many ways……

I walk to him now. Without a doubt.

"You know…….at the end of the day I am the one who was at fault" I began as I spoke. I knew it was uncalled for and not expected but I am sorry Woo Hyuk.

I’m sorry to have done this to you on today of all days. But I messed up again I guess.

He remained silent only greeting me with the eyes that were their usual cold self.

"Cause I loved you too much"

I handed him the bottle of stars. I remember him this way. On the reservoir.

I lie to myself. It is a constant craving.

I lied to myself that I never loved him.

Cause I always did.

"For everyday that I was away……" I ended as I turned around ready to go.

I look at the path before me. I never know which road to take. Somewhere or the other I would have had a reason. But in truth I was truly lost.

I see her again….the splitting image of that which is him. She will lead me.

I smile at her a reach for her little hand that fits just into mine.

I held you hand a long time ago when you slept….I had often wished that hand would hold mine back.

I realise now……that my hands are not empty.

I look at my daughters eyes.

She is you Woo Hyuk……but she will be better.

"Come on mommy……lets go.." As if knowing exactly what I feel. At times she is my teacher. I feel disappointment in myself through my own ignorance she has matured beyond expectation.

I see my daughter holding my hand….guiding me out.

I will not look back. I will not leave if I look back.

Woo Hyuk remained at his spot….looking into the bottle…..each silver star had a little message in them.

Adeline emerged slowly from behind the curtain. She wanted to test herself. And Woo Hyuk.

She had seen it all. And all she wanted was to know if he had felt the same.

He never once flinched from his stare. He looked at each tiny star reading the messages one by one till he found the star which had said it all.

~To know that you are alive is a stone in my heart and a diamond in my hands. For every thought of you is like poison that I am addicted to~

"Same here Joy" he whispered to himself.

A tear rolled down his cheek.

"Woo Hyuk…….let her go" Adeline said as she knelt down next to him rubbing the tears out of his eyes.

"I’m sorry Adeline……I’m so sorry" he said as he cried on her shoulder…

Adeline cried too…not that Woo Hyuk would realise.

I can never equal her. She was always before me in your heart.

But I have won you in the end.

At that is my only Joy.

To have you with me always.

"Woo Hyuk……..what a pretty bottle of stars……lets take it with us it will make a lovely centre piece" Adeline said trying to cheer him up.

He looked at the stars…then at Adeline. He thought of his daughter, what was she exactly to him…his flesh and blood…..he thought of Joy…..he didn’t want to think of what he really felt for her.

And he thought of Adeline….who was right here in front of him…..who had forgiven him….who truly loved him and he knew……

She was his missing piece

"It’s a beautiful wedding gift from a very beautiful person isn’t it Hyuk?" Adeline said again……reassuring him that it was. Because it was

"Yes….it is beautiful isn’t it?"

~End~Of~Chapter~

Short~Epliogue

I wonder about her from time to time. I cannot deny it. I was afraid of her so many a time but I could not love her the way she wanted me too. It would be impossible. Only when she wasn’t there did I truly know what she meant to me.

I know she will forever be a question in my mind…………..

She is the piece in my life I will forever hold on to but will never know where to fit for I love it too much.

And my daughter……I dream of her from time to time….I watch her from afar. I laugh at how we are so alike. Even in my dreams.

I have looked at the stars carefully. I have devoured them whole and I know I have made the safer choice in the end.

But I cannot deny.

She was the arc in the sky.

The one thing in my life forever questionable.

And I cannot deny it.

That at any day.

Or at anytime.

I look up at the stars………………..

And I am afraid I will forget her face.

For she was.

My only Joy.

The~End~

Special thanks to = Ng Khai Lee whom I so shamelessly quote from over and over again. Sheryl Chong for being honest and for Rina for being an oreo.

Also I would like to say again that all the chapter names are taken from L’Arc~en~Ciel’s Ark album(which comes so highly recommended)

And……even more thanks to Leslie, Kara(u know the REAL truth), Adel and Victoria for always reading!!

And cant forget this….

Apologies to those involved.

And almost forgot!

Dedicated To = Jang Woo Hyuk