Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

Is there another word for synonym?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?