Read along as your humble narrator searches the mistakes of his own life to bring insight to others. Finding none, he instead makes a bunch of shit up and generally acts like a smartass.

Boy,

Thanks again for your help with this project. Here are the questions for your section. I know you won’t know the answers to most, maybe all of these questions, and most of the questions don’t make sense, but there are no real answers. Just be humorous and do that thang that I know you do so well.

ASHLEY

Although I’m a sucker for doing favors for friends, I’m going to have to insist upon some sort of payment. This is America, after all. We get paid. That’s what makes us different from those stinking French. I’m sure we can work something out. Are you familiar with the novella collection entitled Arkansas?

Let’s talk for a minute, Ashley, about answers. You assert that "there are no answers." Although my postmodernist leanings make me tend to agree, it would be improper for an advice writer to freely admit that, indeed, no answers exist. So, in keeping with a long tradition of intellectual whoredom for which our great country is renown, I’m willing to ignore my own thoughts on the matter and instead reject the accepted: There are answers. But most of them are full of shit. That will be a recurring theme of my advice to your readers.

Dear Pope,

I was at the Underground last weekend, and just as I was getting my groove on with this particularly hairy chick, the Feds came in and busted it all up. They arrested me for "mingling with a hairy chick." What I’m asking is, how do you feel about the role hairy chicks play in our society? Being a hairy nippled chick myself, would you ever consider going out sometime?

ANGUS (275-0086)

It might surprise you to know that the word "nippled" does not appear in Microsoft’s dictionary for Word 97. Obviously, this is a sign of repression. Who else would use the wayward modifier except hairy-nippled chicks like yourself.

Just hearing the word "hairy" turns me off. Most of my fantasies involve bald flesh. Have you considered the benefits of shaving? You know, I think there’s some sort of laser surgery you could opt for.

As far as the role that hairy chicks play in our society … I’ve always been a big fan of personal freedom. A quick glance at the index of the New York Times Almanac reveals no reference to "hairy chick world leaders" or "hairy chick sex symbols." Therefore, I’ll decline to comment further.

In reference to your charming invitation, I have a policy on socially deviant acts of intimacy (like hanging out with hairy chicks). It’s this: get me drunk enough and I won’t care.

Dear Popester,

Let me just begin by expressing to you the joy that your advice column brings into my life. Your words inspire me to go out and eat Popeye’s spicy chicken wings underneath a pale harvest moon (in my briefs) yelping the words to "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean." Thanks, man. You saved my life.

Here comes the question. It’s time for me to start looking for a new mixer. My crossfader broke, and you know that without a crossfader, the magic just doesn’t work out. I’ve narrowed my choice down to the Gemini K300 and the Numark D2002x, with beat sync LEDs and 35db killswitches. Which one would you go with and why?

B.J. ATKINSON

Have you noticed that the Popeye’s logo looks surprisingly like "Pope Yes?" Next time you’re on Tennessee Street, look at it and think of me. Say to yourself: Pope, yes. Pope … yes. Pope! Yes! Pope!!! Yes!!!!!!

Why my writing causes you to eat rotting flesh is a mystery. To boot, fried foods should generally be avoided. Have you thought about eating some vegetables instead? What kind of briefs do you wear?

I was also confused by this bit about my advice bringing joy into your life. This is the first advice column I’ve ever written. Actually I rarely give advice. You’ll notice that I’m into my third bit of "advice" now and I’ve done little more than blab on about arcane grammar rules and use the rest of the space as "filler."

But to your question. I’d have to say go with the Gemini. The word Gemini is the plural to the Latin word geminus, meaning "twin." A constellation in the Northern Hemisphere was named for it, as was the astrological symbol and a series of manned space flights in the mid-1960s.

Numark, on the other hand, means nothing. Not only that, but the designers of the name saw fit to engage in phonetic rather than actual diction. This "nu" shit has got to go. You seem to have more specifics on this model, however. But sometimes function must take a back seat to more important variables. Just make sure that the magic is still there. (Pope! Yes!)

Dear Pope,

My lover and I are having a heck of a time trying to find out who sings a certain freestyle song that we heard in Brothers the other night. We don’t know the title of the track, but it makes us want to meld our pelvises together for extended periods of time. The lyrics are as follows: "Take me, take me in your arms, and never let me go, I need you more and more, I need you more and more." Please help!!!

TODD H.

Yes, you’re right. Those lyrics are quite insightful and moving. The repeating motif of "take me" and "more and more" work well within the freestyle context. I would even venture to say that the permanence involved in the "never let me go" part illustrates a profound human truth: when you’ve found a good thing, don’t let it go.

What exactly is involved in this melding process? Have you already engaged in this process during the song? You may want to consult a doctor about this.

Dear Pope,

I am totally into Vanilla Ice after "Ice Ice Baby." I was hooked. I can’t get enough. Do you know where I could find any V.I. on vinyl here in Tallahassee? Also, what do you think about V.I.’s new sound?

JOHN

I think what you meant to say was that you became "totally into Vanilla Ice" after hearing "Ice Ice Baby." Historians have yet to designate the song as a memorable epoch by which to judge the actions of man. Therefore, some more clarification is in order.

Although his new album’s title, "Hard to Swallow," has a certain ironic charm, the first single "Fuck me" looses points for blatant sensationalism. As far as the sound goes, I think Rage Against the Machine has pretty much exhausted the genre.

I might be showing my age here, but when I was in high school, Vanilla Ice was all the rage. There were four or five of my classmates who looked, acted and dressed similarly to the artist who infused new life to the "wigger." I could never quite see the attraction. Not to mention that I’ve always been a big David Bowie fan and I think "Under Pressure" is too much of a kick-ass song to be ridiculed in such a well-the-CEO-of-Polygram-thinks-this-will-make-money kind of way.

Dear Pope,

I’ve been spinning for about a year now, and I’ve come to a halting point. I’ve invested a lot of money and time into this hobby, but I just do not feel the inspiration that I once felt in the beginning of this journey. Where can I find that inspiration again?

MAHATMA HIRSHU

(my friends just call me Mister)

Look, if you have some sort of lack of inspiration, don’t come to me, Mister. I can’t even find enough inspiration to offer advice to readers without evoking bizarre historical references and forgotten grammatical rules.

I would start by telling you not to look at spinning as a "hobby." Quilting and collecting butterflies are hobbies. Spinning is an art and deserves to be treated as such. As far as a source of inspiration, all I can do is offer you my own formula: heavy drinking. (This also works for emotional distress, academic problems and tolerating annoying family members.)

 

 

 

 

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