Side Effects: This website may cause joint pain, nausea, headaches, rapid heartbeat, or ringing in the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while viewing this page; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. Okay foods: flounder. Under no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in 30 percent of users - sorry: 50 percent. If you under go disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine with audible raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are expected; up to one knee-buckler per day is allowable. Bowel movements may become frequent, in fact every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than 12 per hour, consult your doctor, or in fact any doctor, or anyone who will speak to you. You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are in the 10 percent of viewers who experience "spontaneous test pilot knowledge." If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be considered a "countdown." May cause stigmata in Mexicans. Do not sit on pointy conical objects. If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of Records. Do not operate heavy machinery, especially if you feel qualified for a desk job; that's good advice anytime. May cause famine and pustules. There may be a tendency to compulsively repeat the phrase "no can do." This website may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear to you in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during a Catholic mass, "I'm gonna wop you wid da ugly stick!" You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom; this is because you are about to die. Men may experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection will accompany your daily "walking around time." Do not view this website if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near a ringing telephone that works at 900 MHz, or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming that you have already had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life, along with a deep sense of melancholy - join the club! Do not be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter. You might want to get a one-month trial subscription to Extreme Fidgeting. WARNING: This page may shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the viewer retroactively. Passing in front of a TV may cause the screen to moire. While viewing this page, you might want to wear something lucky. Women often feel a loss of libido, including a two-octave lowering of the voice, an increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle. If this happens, women should write a detailed description of their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me, Bob, trailer 6, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or e-mail me at "hotguy.com." Discontinue use immediately if you feel your teeth are recieving radio broadcasts. You may experience "lumpy back" syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. Be sure to allow plenty of "quiet time" in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary objects. Flotation objects at sea will become pointless as the viewer of this page will develop a stonelike body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor. Sensations of levitation are illusory, as the feeling of a "phantom third arm." Viewer may experience certain inversions of language: Acceptable: "Hi are how you?" Unacceptable: "The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the phsssst." Twenty minutes after viewing this page, you will experience an insatiable craving to view it again. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE COMPUTER IS. You should be also be out of reach of any weaponlike utensil with which you could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed to keep you away from the computer, no matter how much you sweet-talk them. Notice: This website is legal in the United States only when the viewer is straddling a state line.