Feminine:

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Hello,

My name is Chayline , I never knew the reason that pushed my parents to call me this way but I liked my name.

U can say that I am a feminine, this word might make you laugh all the day, but did u ever asked yourself the reason that u are laughing for?

Well, I can tell u why?, cause you need to feel yourself special and more important from others and you try to realise these things on me, but believe me, u are tricking yourself.

I wonder why, I 've never felt that I am a human in my whole life!

I think that the animals lived better than I did,

I was born from 24 years ago, since 1974 which mean that I am 24.

I remember when I was 5 years old, I always wanted to dress like a girl, I' ve put make up on my face, my mother's clothes and my mother's shooes, and when my mother saw me in this way, she beated me and punished me for what I did.

When I was a child, I always liked to watch men on tv, I always wanted to feel myself under their controll, I've never knew the reason.

When I was a child, I couldn't adapt with boys in my age, they are different than me, I like to walk look like a girl, I like to talk like them sometimes, without being them, but that made me as an alien who came from another space.

 My hair was very long and smooth, it shined under the light, but my parents took me by force to a barber and he cut my hair, they said that a man should have a short hair.

 Yes, I look to a mirror, I see someone different , I wanted to kill him before he kills me,

Yes ladies and gentlemen, my parents pushed me to kill myself.

I do remember that my mother beated me everytime I acted different than a man, I was always afraid from her.

When I was a child, I couldn't get any good grades cause I am having all these problems in my head.

I didn't have any good souvenir from my school, I hated everyone there, I've never had a real friend, boys considered me crazy cause I refuse to go with them in the bathroom and to do the dirty things that they did.

My school was so racism, cause I was brunet, most of the students considered me as a nigger and they called me :<< hey, u black feminine slave! >>

Since this moment, I alwas denfend black people and I will never forget these words that maked my heart full of hate and sadness toward everyone.

When I was a child, I first believed in GOD, I thought, he will save me and he will always protect me and I must be patient with whom ever hated me, but now, I think God is fake, I can't believe in him anymore, especielly when I heared nuns at school who adore him saying in front of everyone << God hates gays and transexuals and who ever they are different from the society(nature), and they will go to hell >>

I started then to believe in evil, and I felt so good deep inside me, yes << what is wrong with the devil? >>.

If no one accepted me, even God, why shouldn't I go to him?!

I hated God cause he created me between people who think themselves that I am lesser than them.

When I was 12 years old, I started to get closer to black magic, cause I felt that I will be happy and able to defend myself by using black magic.

My sister hated me cause I loved to play with her doll and my brother hated me cause I can't hit or punch anyone on his face by saying that I act like a girl.

When I reached my 16 birthday, I was tall, and had green eyes, brunet and I was going to finish school.

I had enough of people saying that a boy should be with a girl, that a boy and a girl must marry and have children, I had enough of hearing that a boy must fuck a girl so he could be proud in front of his friends, and a girl must be carefull and try to get a boyfriend who has the best car so she can be proud in front of her friends!

And finally, I had enough of hearing stories about princes and princess, they marry at the end and they live in hapiness forever after!

What about me?

What is hapiness?

I want to know!

When I heared that gays do exist in the world, I felt so happy,

I went to tell my mom about me, I wanted to tell my parents that I was a gay and that I need someone who can support me, but it was the most terrible day in my life, when I told mom and dad that I was a gay + feminine,

My mom began to scream and she said that she prefer that I'll never do a relation in my life and my father screamed by telling me bad words, while my brother and my sister did never respect me this day saying that I am a dirty faggot.

I think they wished that I was never born cause I am a shame on the family, but inside myself I said

:<< hey, I''ll never let them win this time >>

I went from the house, I left my hair getting long as a girl, I've went to a little place and I lived there and I studied alone.

My grade did get better and better this time, that I went to the university, and I began to study and I was thinking all the time about my futur.

My parents just wouldn't leave me alone, they were afraid of what people will say about them, that they left their son alone and that their son is acting like a bitch on the street, after one year living alone without seing them, my mom went to my place and convinced me to go back to the house and she promissed me that I'll have a room of my own.

When I was back at home, I felt that everyone hated me but they are oblige to accept me cause they know what I am able to do.

I hated my neighbours, they had a big mouth and ofcorse liers, I never slept with a man and they called me a bitch-man by saying that I worked better than a hore until I had enough of them.

I used my intelligence and I caused problems to them, that I even used black magic against them and it worked, until one day, they became afraid of me and they called me << the serpent >>

I don't know, but I was very happy to see them afaid of me.

My brother hated me the most in the world, he just can't stand watching me a live cause I am a faggot in front of his eyes and faggots do not have right to live.

But my sister, I loved her so much, one day, she was sitting in her room and her door was opened, I heared her crying,

I came to her and I don't know, I felt that I understood her,

Her boyfriend used her and now he left her for another,

It was the first time that I hugged her in my life, I told her to cry in my arms and I told her to forget about him and to try to feel herself that she is a new person now and that he lost someone who loved him, indeed, she took my advice and she managed to forget him completely!.

I decided to work later, I felt myself like a girl who wants to realise herself and who doesn't want to be under the controll of men!

In my country, most of the females think in a very stupid way, they want to marry and to have children ( that is all they want in their life ), and the girls who want to earn her life by working, they considered her as a stupid bitch.

But women get in troubles, no one is there to help them cause they are consuidered as women and most of them are uneducated and doesn't know that they have a dignity!.

I challanged them all and I worked while I am studying, my neighbours were so jealous, saying that a feminine like me should die.

While I am working, I met a person, a very handsome one, his name was john, he was blond, with blue eyes, but I wasn't easy at all, we spoke about 5 months before I fell in love with him and before a special relation with him too.

I've maked oral sex with him and I never lost my virginity.

I always loved him until one day, when he told me that he'll marry soon, cause his father told him so and that he must have children who will have his name in the world.

I didn't hate him, I remember that I looked at him straight in his eyes, I smiled, I knew since then that he was so weak.

I just told him that everything between us is finished.

What can I do?

I can't make a relation with him cause if I was a girl, I'll never let my husbund do a relation with another person.

He left me while he was angry and furious, but my heart fell a part when I saw him leaving me.

I wish that he'll be happy forever!

The days passed, and people hated me more and more, especially priests and nuns, they even came once to my parents' house saying that I act in an immoral way in my country and that I must socilised with the environment, I really showed them the way to hell that they 've never dared to talk to me again.

I told them that I prefer to be with the devil instead of them and I will delete my nationality from my ID.

My parents went crazy but I never cared, I am a feminine and they must accept me like I accept them and they must respect me like I respected them.

When I will ever be happy?

I've heared that john married a beautiful woman and he had two children from her.

I was so happy for him until one day, he phoned me saying that he wanted to see me badly that day in his house, cause his wife traveled and he doesn't know how to take care of his babies.

I was his friend, I went to help him, when I reached his house, I saw his handsome son and his pretty daughter, when I was going to clean them, they were not dirty at all!

But he touched me suddently and he said << I want to fuck you! >>,

I felt a big headache and I told him << you are married! >>

Then he told me:

<< look, my wife doesn't let me to fuck her in an anal way, cause she thinks it is a sin and that make her angry, why don't you try to let me do it to you?,>>

I just slapped him on his face and I told him that he was dirty and I went out of his house crying!

After severel days, I noticed that men are trying to follow me, especielly married ones, when their girlfriends or their wives are near them, they pretend that I maked them sick but when they are along, they try their best to get closer to me, even they try to invite me to their house, just to have some fun.

I don't care about them!

Who do they think they are ?!

I don't want sex!, I don't want love!, I want to work, I want to be alone, I want to realise myself that is all what I am asking!

I decided to go to a shrink, maybe he can help me, but he was worst than the others, he told me that I belong to a world different than the gay's one and it is called (feminine),

I though that he will help me to convince my parents that gays or feminines is something naturel but it seamed he was an asshole, he never heared about the new psychologie that try to make the person accept himself for who he is, reather he was bisexual, gay, feminine, straight..!

But this doctor tried to switch me to a straight, I hated him cause he doesn't disearve to be a doctor!

How about if I was a doctor and I tried to switch straight to gays?

Is that normal?

This was wxactly what he did, the Jerk!, but I teached him a big lesson, he took in 15 minutes of conversation (70$) and he was trying all the time to switch me from a feminine to a straight!

Why did I have such a bad luck?!

Doctors like him push people to suicide not to love life!

I found myself in the usuall world, were everyone hates me even my parents beside my lovely sister whm I'll always love her from my heart!

One day, I was working as usuall, and they told me in the work that the boss wanted to talk with me.

I went to his office, he was so hypocryte, he invited me to a special meeting in his house saying that it is extremely important for my work and his friends will be there.

First, I tried to refuse the invitation but he insisted and after all it is a meeting for a work!

So I accepted.

Later, this night, I went to his appartment were the meeting was, but I was surprised that we were only three people.

He offered me a cup of coffee and he told me to wait a minute until he'll bring the papers of the work.

After 15 minutes, he came to me naked with his friend, they were smiling, I felt so weak, I barely moved and I tried to open the door but it was locked.

He laugh and he told me that he put a drog in my cup of coffe that will make me so weak that I wont move or talk for several hours!

Where is God?

He never helped me.

Do u want to know what happened to me?

I'll tell you what!

They took me to a bed, they undressed me, and they told me:

<< hey, feminine, we will show you what is a man!>>

they beated me while they were kissing me, my whole body was trembeling, I couldn't do anything, the animals spent hours in fucking me and beating me, they even forced me to have their dick and semen in my mouth, and they never used condoms, they fucked me without any mercy and at the end, he took an empty bottle of pepsi and he slide it all in my ass!

I've never stop of crying, then they dressed, after they were tired.

When I waked up the next day, they told me that I can't do nothing and I am just a faggot who likes to be fucked and whenever I want, I can ask them more.

I went to the police!

Did u know what they told me?

<< if you will insist in suing these important people, you will be in the jail cause you are a gay and after all, who will believe you? Girls are only raped! So you better forget the whole thing and go to your home and act like a man and you will never face dirty situation like these anymore! >>

I told then my parents!

My parents was so rich, I though they can help me, they were sad, but they told me to forget the whole thing and to leave my work cause they can't say that I am a gay to the whole world cause that will bring them bad reputation.

I wouldn't tell my sister, cause she was able to go and to kill that bastard, destroying her life for me!

Here I am now! Yes, I will die soon, I just bought some pills.

My parents can really be happy now, I will be gone soon, especielly my brother.

I think, he will be the happiest man in the world after I die.

What will they do anyway?

They will spend some dollars on my funeral, they'll pretend that they are sad for a couple of day, and I will diseappear from their life forever.

They will be so happy for sure.

I will leave all what I earned as a money for my sister.

As for the society, it can be happy now!

They got rid of a dirty feminine

I am so afraid of death but it is better than being alive.

I think hell is better than were I am!

After I die

All that I wish is that I go to a world were I'll be alone and were no one can hurt me anymore.

Bye

Chayline

"A map is not the territory". Alfred Korzybski