The Great Hall


And there's a whole 'nother room here. It's really quite large; I'll call it the Great Hall. There's a Great Hall in the building where I lived back in the day, my first two years of college. It's a nice place. Lots of nifty new things -- commissioned artwork, breast-shaped lamps, and everything. But, you know, not a lot of privacy.

This is *my* Great Hall. I'm stashing all sorts of weird stuff here, all the little lists and essays and story-lets and all that business. It might be interesting to snoop around; heck, I don't know. Maybe something here will amuse you? (By the bye, I moved the quotes. They're on their own page now. I think the Great Hall has empty-nest syndrome. Or something.)

That Now-Famous Haiku:

Waterproof Matches

They're all well and good;
but the thing we really need
is waterproof wood.

Essay on Essays About Me

Ah, the essay. What is an essay? Is it "I say," translated into some ancient dialect? Perhaps it was the idea of some twisted English teacher to rearrange and augment the letters of the word "easy," thus gravely misleading poor students who thought the assignment would be just that. But no, I believe that the word "essay" is merely an expression. It symbolizes expression in expression's most boring form. And what could be more boring than an essay about oneself? Thus concludes the best kind of essay: the short one.

First Draft of my "Personal Statement"

for graduate school applications, suggested by my ex-roommate Dorry

I am great. You want me, because I am great. Not only that but I have a sweet tight ass.

The End

By Angie Galik

A Poem About A Eurail Fine, Written on the Torn-Out Back Page of Angela's Ashes, While On the Train, January 2000

(when I forgot to get my ticket validated before boarding)

O Eurail fine incurred
in green pastures of Holland
I couldn't say a word --
the amount not that small, and
the canals gleaming sweet
did mock me in my folly.
A trip to the WC
did cost me well, by golly!
So loathe am I to pay
but 'tis my fate pre-written
to stupid be this day:
my bank account was bitten
to hundred-dollars' word.
Is it worth it, hey now?
A Eurail fine incurred
for trips to toilet down?

Madsong: "On The World’s First Sex-Change Cat"


(inspired by a genuine article in the National Enquirer)

A fussy and feminine tomcat
did preen at the mirror for hours,
painting his nails,
and curling his tail,
nurturing seductive powers.

O Cat of kitch, camp, and velvet
drawn to Diana Ross!
who madly, in
the pursuit of "thin"
never scrupled his cookies to toss!

(O Gus, what pain you gave Nancy
when she divined your unnatural style.
It was plain to be seen
you were, inside, a queen
and what agony you suffered the while!)

When this tom adopted a kitten
and endeavored to get her to nurse
Nancy sought out a doctor
who could change Gus's cock-ter
into something resembling a purse.

Now the first-ever feline transsexual
lives a happy and fulfilling life.
Nancy's conscience is eased,
Gussette's perfectly pleased,
And will make somecat an excellent wife.

A Poem I Wrote on a Lit Analysis Quiz for Which I had Forgotten to Study

O Quiz for which I did not think to look
Into the pages of that daunting book --
Thou art my downfall and my misery
And here I hang my head in woe-is-me
Just as the world is covered all in snow
So do my hopes and aspirations go
Into the pail of tossing trash this morn
(If only my ligament had been torn
And I had stayed in bed!) But great folly
Did drive me here, for which I'm truly sorry.
I'll hope this does not a real pattern make
And the next quiz I'll be prepared to take.

MORALS

These are my "morals." I love it when events have morals; it means I'm actually paying attention to the things going on around me! But stupid me, I forgot to bring the book down here to the computer lab. (What?! Computer lab? When on earth did I write this?!?) So I'll try to remember them all.

  1. The original moral: Trust your math skills; or, Never check your work.
  2. Always go to homeroom, and other required but seemingly pointless events, because you never know when someone might give you a shiny green foil envelope with Velcro, or some other equally valuable item.
  3. It can be very helpful to put a ribbon on your door-frame before you go shower. However, being the first one out is not always worth it.
  4. There is special providence in saving one of the fortune-cookies for later.
  5. Never trust the scenery; and stop apologizing.
  6. Sex should never involve tuna fish. (This is NOT learned from personal experience!)
  7. Always start with the closet; it is part of the plot.
  8. Triple-rinse everything. (This is gleaned from a class called Greenhouse Production. Long live ARP and the Pot-heads.)
  9. Laziness reproduces itself. Nip it in the bud.
  10. Postal jokes / pranks are extremely *not* funny.
  11. Use few words. Be reluctant to claim definitions for yourself; they have a way of coming back to haunt you.
  12. Anyone can afford anything for a brief time. (Even Christmas in Italy.)
  13. Lost is an adventure, but dead is dead.
  14. Anything can be an adventure story if you take up enough space and use enough adjectives when writing about it.
  15. If you have water, be happy. It could be a lot worse.
  16. Sometimes cheek will get you somewhere. Sometimes it won't. But even if the cheek is not enough, and you go back a second time, later, with something more, people may well remember the time you came with only cheek, and respect you for that, and look kindly on you.
  17. It's better to be naked than dead.
  18. Street musicians are a good thing. Pay to keep them around.
  19. Spend the extra five minutes to hear the bagpiper, no matter what your friends say. You won't get a chance to go back.
  20. Sometimes it's better to just shut up.

A Limerick:

There's a man who, I think, has a gun,
and he follows wherever I run.
It's a good thing my stalker
is not a big talker
or I'd never get anything done.

AN INCIDENT REPORT, TURNED IN TO TIM IN HONOR OF APRIL FOOL'S DAY

I heard RA's Larry and Angie being very unprofessional, they were talking about OHRL [Office of Housing and Residence Life] in a very negative way. They were in the office and making statements that I thought were offensive and inappropriate for RA's. They said they wanted to "pop a cap in" the people from OHRL (exact quote) and they were joking about making bomb threats or having a "guerrilla war" against people who made them go to training events like "mandatory fun" (again exact quote). They said they hated OHRL as much as they hate deadly diseases but less than hate groups like the KKK or neonazis.


Go home.