Just an apocalypse about nuthin’

Forgive me for sneezing in the salad, but I've never understood what the big deal is about GenX film hero Kevin Smith, writer/director of the “New Jersey Trilogy”: Clerks, Mallrats (which I thought was one of the worst movies of 1995), and Chasing Amy. But his latest, Dogman, deals with a subject dear to my heart (or where my heart would be) -- theology -- and stirred up a tempest in a wine-cup long before it was even released, so I was hoping for more.

Following an irreverently cheery opening disclaimer chastising humorless critics from both religious and cinematic camps, Dogma takes up the cause of two renegade angels (Matt Damon and Ben Affleck) who were banished to Wisconsin for their sins. When a media-savvy, jingoistic Catholic cardinal (George Carlin) announces that, in addition to unveiling the new Buddy Christ icon, his “Catholicism WOW!” campaign to revitalize the faithful will offer total absolution of sin to anyone who enters the 100-year-old cathedral in Red Bank, New Jersey. Since The Church undeniably speaks for Him, this backslidden pair could regain entrance through the pearly gates. But it would also mean He would be taking back in eternal judgement, proving Him fallible, thereby ending the universe in a Douglas Adams collision of reality -- but not before they can go on one last bloody, righteously judgmental killing spree.

So God’s private messenger angel (Alan Rickman, in a rare, welcome comic role) contacts the unknowing last earthly descendant of Jesus, an Illinois abortion clinic worker named Bethany (Linda Fiorentino), and charges her to stop them. But there’s also an errant dark angel at work (Jason Lee), who dispatches a trio of undead inline skaters -- among other things -- to stop her, which means she has to depend on a couple unwitting prophets (Jason Mewes and Smith, reprising Jay and Silent Bob from the trilogy), the unknown black 13th Apostle (Chris Rock), and a Muse-turned-stripper (Salma Hayek) for help before running into Him Himself -- rather, Herself (Allanis Morrisette).

Which, like the phrases “chicken cacciatore” and “Wankel rotary engine,” sounds a lot funnier than it actually is. Smith is undoubtedly verbally clever, but he likes to hear himself talk a lot through his characters, so like his previous films Dogma slows down and gets wordy for lonnnggg stretches of time. Scattered throughout are his trenchant jabs at established religion (and the established movie industry), which are often funny if not always original. But these observations, though perhaps intellectually provocative, are usually delivered with bland, emotionless detachment, like “Seinfeld” banter. And his direction features so many reaction shots of characters exchanging amateurishly surprised looks that this could almost have been a silent film.

Devout Catholics will likely not be happy, nor will devout anything else except devout Kevin Smith fans. C+


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