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”Bless me father, for I have sinned – or may be about to.”
”Yes, my son?”
”I’m having a conflict, father, between my conscience and my ego.”
”How long has it been since you confessed your sins?”
”It was two years ago – that was also my first confession, by the way, since I’m not Catholic. Maybe you remember me – I’m the atheist film-critic who was troubled about seeing the last movie by the Farrelly Brothers, a hopelessly tasteless thing called There’s Something About Mary, and liking it.”
”No, I just recently came to this parish from a quiet little congregation in Knockemstiff, Ohio.”
”What happened to the other priest?”
”Father Vestibule is taking an extended sabbatical to deal with a personal matter.”
”What happened? Come on, I can keep a secret.”
”He developed an unhealthy obsession with an actress named Cameron Diaz. And with Vidal Sassoon Maxi-Hold Styling Gel. He’s undergoing extensive psychochemical aversion therapy, after which I’m sure he’ll be good as new.”
”But he told me he that, since he didn’t go to movies, he didn’t even know who Cameron Diaz was.”
”Apparently that changed – right about the time you say you made your last confession. This movie -- it was titled There’s Something About Mary?”
”Uhh…nevermind that. I’ve got a new problem: I went to see Me, Myself, & Irene.”
”And now you feel similarly conflicted?”
”Well, not exactly. This time the Farrellys have gone too far, even for me.”
”You’ll have to be more specific if I’m to understand your moral dilemma.”
”It stars Jim Carrey – you know who Jim Carrey is, father?”
”Yes, I saw him in The Truman Show, which was on a Vatican-approved list of films recommended to help the priesthood field questions from parishioners about submitting mindlessly to a monolithic authority.”
”He plays a milquetoast Rhode Island state trooper whose wife runs off with a dwarf African-American MENSA chapter-president, leaving him to explain why his chocolate-hued genius fraternal-triplet sons have such curly hair. One day he just snaps, and an insensitive, macho-moron personality comes out, who gets him in a lot of trouble when he has to rescue an attractive young woman, played by Rene Zellweger. You know who she is?”
”Yes, I saw A Price Above Rubies, which was on a Vatican-approved list of films that make Orthodox Jews look bad.”
”Anyway, this movie is so outlandishly crude I don’t know where to start. It makes There’s Something About Mary look like a sermon. There are dozens of explicitly illustrated jokes about masturbation and intercourse, including a long-running routine about a giant prosthetic, uhh, fleshy member. Plus, it’s awfully cruel to animals. In one scene an injured cow is shot in the head several times, then kicked and strangled, and in another a live chicken is -- father, is there a sin that combines sodomy and bestiality?”
”Yes, but it’s only mentioned in the teacher’s edition of the Old Testament.”
”Oh…”
”What is the conflict then – that you’re once again ashamed you enjoyed such an abomination?”
”Not quite. I did laugh a few times at the sheer outrageousness of it all; Me, Myself, & Irene does prompt a certain terrible fascination. Plus, Jim Carrey is great at physical comedy. Watching the facial transformation that comes over him when his new personality erupts is almost enough to get me to recommend the movie at least to those with a strong stomach and a very high threshold of offense-taking. But I think I’m going to have to say it was just too gross for me.”
”An admirable decision, my son. Such evil influence should be shunned. So?”
”So, this paper I write for is considered kind of, you know, alternative and off-beat, not the usual conservative daily news. I’m afraid everybody there will think I’m not cool if I say I don’t like a movie starring the biggest comedian in Hollywood because it’s tasteless.
”You must always listen to the voice of your conscience, my son, for it is the voice of God.”
”Like when my conscience says I could sure use a shiny new Harley?”
”Perhaps I could help you find more suitable employment. I have a friend who works for the Vatican Film Council. I’d be happy to put in a good word for you.”
”Gee, thanks man. Oh, and I like the jacket. Got that gothique thing happnin’ -- works for you.” C
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