Romeo Must Die

Speaking of tragedy --

Back in 1991, outcry from Catholic faithful moved producers of a cheesy Robbie Coltrane comedy (the humor was moldy, not the comic) titled The Pope Must Die to rename it The Pope Must Diet. Apparently a lot of people who never even saw the movie felt it was an affront to the dignity of the office, blah blah. Now we get a similarly labeled film, invoking perhaps the best-known male character in all of Westerndom, which has been spared such protest. The moral: between The Vatican and Shakespeare fans, the latter have less influence, the former greater insecurities. Although something called Romeo Must Diet would probably have made for a better movie -- Shakespeare in Lunch -- because the finished product is tragic, all right: "What light through yonder window breaks; it is the back door to the theater opening as I doth rush to yon box office to ask for my shillings back."

Hong Kong martial-arts action staple Jet Li, who scored internationally as the villain in Lethal Weapon 4, prompting the dubbing and wide re-release last year of his Bruce Lee homage Black Mask, stars as the title character. Well, sort of, because there's nobody named Romeo, or Juliet, in the picture. Li's character is actually called Han, so don't go expecting Bard fu (that might have been fun, too -- a chopsocky retelling of R & J from someone like John Woo has potential). Instead, it's all about how Chinese and African-American crime lords in Oakland find their uneasy truce crumbling when somebody starts killing their friends and family members. Han breaks out of prison to avenge his brother's death, and in the process falls into forbidden cross-cultural love with Trish O'Day (who, played by Teen honoree as one of the "Hottest Stars Under 21," pop singer Aaliyah, is no more Irish than I am the MGM lion), daughter of his father's chief criminal rival (Delroy Lindo). We are treated to much hose fu, football fu, zip-tie fu, barbecue fu (that's fun to say), and not one but three separate instances of x-ray fu, wherein the camera looks beneath the skin of Han's unworthy opponent so we can see bone shatter. And the whole mess happens because the Oakland Raiders left town (no lie).

Most profitable martial arts movies succeed because, as happens when Harleys are compared to other motorcycles on strictly practical terms, people grant a lot of functional leeway for the sake of image. I mean, just because asking Jet Li to emote is like asking Al Roker to limbo doesn't mean Romeo Must Die couldn't have been an entertaining flick. But its fight scenes are often even more contrived than usual for this sort of thing, many obviously being staged with the benefit of fly-by-wire. The most entertaining bit is where Han almost gets his mu shu kicked because he refuses to hit a woman, and has to recruit Trish for some neatly choreographed dance fu to compensate for his misplaced chivalry. Plus there are some nice bass lines in Stanley Clarke's soundtrack.

Maybe they'll do a better job with the sequel: Hamlet Fried Rice. D+

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