’ve been thinking
how great it is to be a guy.
This thought came to my mind in honor of my wife, whom I think must
be one of the most courageous people on earth for being willing to have
a child – who may turn out to be just like me.
Amazingly, though, approximately half the people on earth make the same
decision – to make their bodies distort and become possessed with a small
creature (though, thankfully, they won’t all look like me).
Anyway, I started coming up with a list as to why it’s great to be a
guy. (I apologize in advance; this is a little less "rated-G" than most
of my entries are.)
1. Birth. Holding her hand and saying, "You’re doing
great, honey," is about it. Us guys ought to be embarrassed for getting
away with just doing that. The doctor should make us drop to the floor
and give ‘em 50 or something like that.
2. No eyeliner, eye shadow, lipstick, lip gloss, blush,
makeup, nail polish, manicures, pedicures or perms. The way I move in the
morning, I’d have to wake up at about 2:30 AM if I had to go through all
that to get ready for work.
3. There aren’t many female professional baseball
players. A total of one, I think.
4. Somehow, even in the 00’s, it’s still expected
that the women do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, and raising kids.
And, amazingly, my wife not only accepts that, but actually enjoys it!
(Well, except for the cooking. And some of the cleaning. But either way,
all too often I stroll in the door at 7:30 or 8:00 and expect to be catered
to, which I usually am -- something I don’t say often enough that I appreciate.)
5. Feminine hygiene products – yecch!!!
6. I cannot imagine how uncomfortable it is to wear
a bra. I cringe at the thought of straps and hooks and wires prodding and
shaping sensitive parts of my anatomy.
7. Hormones. They make girls cry, fly into fits of
rage, and eat pounds of chocolate at a time. All they do to guys is make
us horny.
8. Admit it, guys – we get the easy part of the making
love thing too.
9. Nobody cares how fat you are if you’re a guy. But
on girls, everyone seems to analyze every ounce of cellulite. (There is
an exception to this, but it involves #1 on this list – getting pregnant.
I never thought I’d see my wife overjoyed at gaining a pound.)
10. I don’t need no stinkin’ number 10 because I’M A GUY!!!
Ironically, there’s a song on the Counting Crows CD I’m listening to
that’s called "I Wish I Was A Girl." Maybe I should send him this list.
