his is going to be
a deep one.
I've been thinking again about my situation. It's pretty much all I
do in my spare time anymore. I just sit around and ponder my existence.
It's not as fun as it sounds, either.
Anyway, I've decided that it all comes down to this "faith" thing again.
I have no choice to believe that it'll all work out, even though everything
keeps looking like one disaster after another.
Case in point: I don't think either of us has slept for more than one
hour consecutively all week. All of a sudden, all of our neighbors seem
to have lost their minds -- or at least their inhibitions. The people upstairs
usually walk so loudly that it sounds like they are bouncing around their
apartment on pogo sticks. A couple of nights ago, they had a nasty fight,
which of course they broadcast all over the complex. At one in the morning.
And somehow, after making noise all night, they still manage to wake up
at 4 AM and take showers and go pogo-sticking again. The neighbors next
to us have been sitting out on their patio talking every night this week,
which would be fine, except their patio is six feet from our bedroom window,
and, possibly from the effect of beer or other such concoction, they can't
seem to talk without shouting. I was livid enough a few nights ago to actually
call the rental office, who assured me that they'd get Security right on
it. Several nights later, Security still isn't on it.
So now that we're going to have a baby in the house, and we need things
to be as calm and quiet as possible, they are turning calamitous.
People think that being a Christian is for sissies, people who are too
weak to do anything for themselves. But let me tell you -- sometimes it's
tough.
It feels like I've written about this before, so it'll suffice for me
to mention in passing all the problems with people mocking you or looking
down on you, not to mention that you're always, even in the midst of those
kind of pressures, supposed to do the right thing. But maybe the hardest
thing of all to do is to believe when you don't think you possibly can.
I mean, I've been looking for a better job and trying to move out of California
for about five years, but it seems like I'm no better off than when I started.
But what do you do when even worse things happen?
There are a couple of people in our church who are dealing with cancer.
They have no idea whether their disease will go into remission, or whether
they are nearing the end of their earthly existence. But they aren't angry
-- or at least they don't show it. Sure, they are confused, and a little
scared, but they still come to church and ask for everyone's prayers --
they haven't given up on God.
I'm not mature enough to look at things that way yet. (Hopefully I will
be someday before I die.) I still expect everything to be handed
to me on a silver platter.
Actually, that brings up my other dilemma. We're supposed to ask for
our desires, "pray without ceasing", "ask and it shall be given you" --
right? Then -- is it wrong if I keep saying "I want a job, I want a house
in the Northeast where we will be safe and calm and happy"? (Of course,
my prayers -- what few of them there usually are -- aren't that presumptuous,
but the basic desires are still there.) And if it isn't wrong, why
does it feel so wrong?
A couple of years ago, the Padres had a slogan, appealing to their fans
to "Keep The Faith". I think, even with the Padres track record,
that's a lot easier to do in baseball than in real life.
