Somewhere in Hollywood, CA, 2 AM...
Gruffi's Horrible Tale of Ghoulish Torture Suffered at the Hands of His Unstable Jailkeeper, Part One: Much is made of Gruffi being stuffed in a sack against his will. Gruffi finds himself threatened by a gang of weevils and unable to communicate in any way save pirate-ese. More hilarity promised.
Gruffi's Horrible Tale of Ghoulish Torture Suffered at the Hands of His Unstable Jailkeeper, Part Two: Yarr, so there I be, stuck in the sack, with the weevils closin' in fer the kill. Me piratey instincts told me that these weevils were not yer ordinary, cotton-eatin', blissfully-ignorant, garden variety weevils. Yo ho ho! No, these were nuclear weevils, grown in the deep, green, glowing belly o' fire that chugs away unerringly outside Gummi Glen. Aye, it provides us with heat and cable television, but it also produces hideous deformations o' nature, it does! So anyway, the lead weevil, a tall strappin' specimen o' weevil, his name was Sartre if'n I remembers right, Sartre muscles forward and says all tough-like, "Chitter speka speka ixka chks chks chks krkc krr chitter!" Well, far be it from old Gruffi to turn down a challenge like that. I reached fer me Gummi soul dagger (made from the souls o' me Gummi forefathers) and leapt at the radioactive aberration! Heavens! What will become of our newly-piratized hero? Only The Shadow knows, and he's vacationing in Petaluma, so he can't help you now. Tune in next time!
Gruffi's Horrible Tale of Ghoulish Torture Suffered at the Hands of His Unstable Jailkeeper, Part Three: Ahoy, minnows! Gruffi here, bringin' ye the excitin' finale o' me harrowing adventure. Now, as I was sayin', I had just leapt at the gargantuan weevil Sartre when-
Er, Gruffi?
Aye?
Gruffi, we've been looking over the numbers for your little pirate gig, and frankly, babe, they are not good.
Yarr, they're not?
No, babe, in fact, they're terrible. The boys in Marketing want you to deep-six the buccaneer thing. Get more contemporary. Maybe something more gangsta, you know, but not "gangsta" gangsta.
Morty, I thought we went over this already.
I know, babe, I know. We worked out a contract and all that, but you gotta understand, babe, you gotta see it from my perspective, if we're not pulling in the top dollars then you're back to reruns of your old stuff making practically nothing a week, and I'd be right there with you. I mean, I'm behind you, babe, I respect you as an artist, but you've got to let me make a living here.
*sigh* Yeah, yeah, I know. Gotta pull in the top dollars. All right. We'll try something new next week. If you need me, I'll be in my cave.
Beautiful, beautiful, babe, I'll ring you up sometime on Tuesday, we'll snag lunch somewhere and whip this thing into shape. Beautiful. Ciao, babe.
It's the Gruffi the Gummibear Show! Starring The Bear Who Loves to Hate You.... Gruffi Gummi!
Brought to you by The Glorious People's Republic of Disneyland, Dow Chemicals, and the letter J.
Hello boys and girls, it's your old pal Gruffi, and boy, have we got a show for you today! It's just crazy what kind of show we've got here! It really blows my mind when I think about it! I get chills! Honestly! That's how exciting this show is! I simply cannot believe the insanely high levels of entertainment that this show is going to-
Gruffi?
What, what, what? I'm doing a thing here, setting up the show, you know, getting them primed for the... uh ... mirth and... so forth. I'm emoting whimsy, I'm-
You're stalling, Gruffi. Now stick with the script and quit jerking around.
Morty, this is really-
I'm not the bad guy here, Gruffi. You owe me. I've been busting my hump for weeks to get you this time slot. Do you think I wanted it to be like this? Do you know what I had to go through to get these sponsors? Dow Chemicals had my children broken down into their component molecules to be used in a new "environmentally-sound" line of diesel fuel, and they took my 80-year-old grandma to New York to be part of some Suicide Ninja Mutant Death Team Assault on the U.N.! Disney made me walk around in a Goofy suit for 67 hours straight passing out leaflets supporting Mickey's run for the Senate, and I've still got to go back tomorrow to paint Michael Eisner's chicken coop AND be a stunt-Goofy in the live-action premiere of "The 1000 Deaths of Goofy Due to Internal Bleeding, Flesh-Eating Parasites, and Flaming Steam Rollers!" And I'm not even going to get into what I had to do for the letter J! My hands are tied, Gruffi. Literally. Now just do it like we agreed, okay?
*sigh*......all right, boys and girls, now Gruffi's... Gruffi's going to do a little bouncing, just like he used to on Gummi Bears (TM, All Rights Reserved, "Gummi Bears" is licensed exclusively to The Holy and Righteous People's Animatronic Compound/Themepark of Disneyland). Now, let me just climb up this ladder here... heh heh... gosh, this sure is a tall ladder, heh heh... and now, for a sip of my trusty Gummiberry Juice (TM, Not to be Taken Internally, Void in WY)... *gulp, gulp, gulp* ... ahh. Now, uh, of course, this isn't, uh, exactly the kind of Gummiberry juice I, uh, used to drink, so... ah... there may be... a little difficulty... getting started MORTY, I REFUSE TO DO THIS! I REFUSE! IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME JUMP OFF LADDERS, THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS GIVE ME *REAL* GUMMIBERRY JUICE!!
Uh, well, ah, Gruffi, you know, I wouldn't... oh dear God, no, please, don't, not my lips, no... AAAAAA!!!......
Attention Mr. Bear, you will now complete the humorous television comedy situation as planned. If you do not comply immediately, there will be bees.
What happened to Morty?
There is no Morty. You have five seconds. 5, 4, 3, 2-
Ah, okay then... well... I guess I'll just, ah... start bouncing then... I'll just... ah, jump.. off this ladder here... here we go... *jump*... *crunch* Aarrrrrrrggggg! My knees! Sweet merciful rocket-powered nuns in a kayak! Oooo, aaaa, garrgggg! Medic!
Ha ha ha! Tune in next time for another installment of The Gruffi the Gummibear show! Ha ha ha Vote Mickey!
Somewhere in Hollywood, CA, 2 AM...
*Sigh*... Okay, Morty, how many we got left?
Mmpphh mrfff.
Huh?
MMPP-hh mRRfff.
Jeez, for crying out loud, Morty, just use your notebook! This is taking all night! I swear, I don't know what's stopping me from hiring a new agent. One with lips!
[Elaborate scribblings]
What?!? 78 more? How did we get so many?
[Elaborated scribblings]
What's that say... "Some of them... are... repeats from... yesterday..." see! I told you that was a stupid policy, Morty!
[Oh, such scribblings]
Whaddya mean, "That's how we do things around here?" Don't tell me how we do things around here! I've been working this business a lot longer than you have, Morty, and if there's anything I've learned in all my years, it's that when you're holding auditions YOU DON'T ALLOW DO-OVERS!!!
[Scribblings, etc.]
Fine, fine. Whatever. We'll do it your way. They can't have gotten any worse since last night. Send in the next one.
MRPH MR-MRRRPH!
Audition for Sidekick on "The Gruffi Gummi Show" #285. Whenever you're ready.
....... Er... urm...
Yes? Let's go, kid, we're getting old and gray over here
Ar, uh.... how to say... erm....
Yes? What? WHAT? Spit it out!
SHOUTY LIKE THE SMALL SQUEEZY BEAR! HE IS SUPER! SQUEEZY BEAR HAS GREEN HAT! SHOUTY ENJOYS GREEN HAT! SHOUTY IS HONORED! SHOUTY WOULD LIKE... WOULD LIKE...
Oh for the love of... Morty, you told me you screened all the wackos. This guy is worse than Tummi.
[Apologetic (and elaborate) scribblings, followed by enthusiastic and encouraging scribblings]
He is NOT "a fresh new face on the independent circuit!" No, and he does not have "moxie" either! Stop using that word! Ooooo, I'm sick of this! I'm going to bed!
SHOUTY WOULD LIKE TO EAT SQUEEZY BEAR! MAARRRRRRRRR!
Oh dear Lord, no! He's aiming to feed! And me with twin knee casts! Rrrrgg... hrrrggg... no good! I can't get up! Morty! Call security! Help! I'm too marketable to die! Wuaaaaaaaah!
[Various scribblings, munchings, Gummi Bear swear words, and additional scribblings, ad infinitum]
[Applause, hootings, bruhaha, hurlyburly]
Hello everyone!
[Increased applause, hootings, etc.]
Ha ha ha! That's great! I love you all! But shut up for a moment. My guest tonight is one of the most respected faces in the world of entertainment today. His visage graces the covers of countless video game cartridges, he's received an astronomical number of awards for his performances, and no one in all of show business has been blown apart and reassembled more times than he has... except maybe the late George Burns. Let's "give it up" for the Blue Bomber himself, Megaman!
[Thunderous applause, hootings, elephants tootling, sleigh-bells ring-a-ling-ing]
Hi Gruffi! Hiya folks! [Shoots a salvo of Mega Blasts into the crowd] Whoop! Heads up there! Ha ha ha! Whoo!
Always a pleasure, Mega. Can I call you that? Can I call you "Mega?"
Sure! Booya! [Fires intense Heat Beam at nearby potted plant, igniting it]
Now, Mega, if I can cut right to the heart of the matter here... As a famous video game celebrity, I'm sure you're deeply involved in the current controversy over video game violence. People are saying that the games today are causing violent behavior in children, and I'm interested in learning what your personal stance is on this volatile issue.
[Encases a cameraman in a solid block of ice with Freeze Beam] Hoo-pah! Whew! Well, Gruffi, I've always been of the mind that if the good Lord hadn't meant for us to kill people, he wouldn't have mounted blasters on our arms. [Fires holes in the ceiling, walls] Oo, that was a nice one!
So you're against gun control, I take it?
And how! [Throws Giant Bombs through skylight. Earth-shaking explosions] Think about it, Gruffi: if we let the government take away our right to own laser cannons, what are we gonna do the next time Dr. Wily tries to take over the world? We'd have a Mega Mess on our hands! Ha, sorry. Little robot humor, there. [Slices Gruffi's chair in half with Metal Blade]
I see. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance, then. A sobering reminder.
Heck, Dr. Wily's just the beginning, Gruffi. There's a whole slew of evil geniuses and evil robots just waiting to cause trouble. Now let me set up a hypothetical situation for you: it's a quiet Sunday afternoon; you're relaxing in your backyard, reading the paper, playing with the kids, oiling your joints, whatever.
I think we've all been there, right folks?
[Cheers and woofs, shouts of "Oiling rocks!"]
Little slice of heaven, isn't it? Well, you're sitting there, enjoying your afternoon, when all of a sudden... ICEMAN JUMPS OUT FROM BEHIND THE BUSHES!
[Gasps, faintings, cardiac arrests]
It's the old ice monkey himself! And no sooner does he show up, then he starts freezing things left and right! The lawn, the dog, the birdfeeder, the car, the refridgerator, the kids, the mailman... even that bottle of mouthwash in your medicine cabinet that says, "Store at Room Temperature."
[Shock and dismay]
Every homeowner's nightmare, in other words.
Boy howdy! [Causes time to stop briefly with Flash Stopper] And he doesn't stop until everything you love and care about is frozen solid. Now, maybe you're thinking to yourself, "Hey, no problem, I can take care of this guy! Why, I beat Heatman just this morning and stole his weapon! Piece of cake!" But if the federal government has its way, YOU'D BE WRONG! DEAD WRONG! You might have *thought* you were all set when you beat Heatman, but federal regulations would require a waiting period of at least five days before you could get your hands on his Heat Beam. By the time five days rolled around, Iceman would've frozen your whole neighborhood! And he'd be on the next plane to wherever your grandparents live to finish them off too, you can bet on it. [Short, valedictory burst of Elec Beam into the cheap seats]
Fascinating. Truly astonishing. So without the proper Power-Ups and Weapons, we're virtually helpless before the might of Dr. Wily and his fiendish ilk.
That's right, Gruffi. And let me tell you: nine out of ten Evil Robot Ambushes occur in the home or at your place of business. Something to think about next time you're tucking little Timmy and Tammy in at night, or going over org charts and spreadsheets at your next board meeting.
I think he's right, folks.
[Applause, shouts of "Org charts rock!"]
I really want to thank you for coming, Megaman. This little chat has been a real eye-opener. Before you go, any helpful hints for our audience and our viewers at home about how *they* can stay safe in this oft cruel and Berserk Mining Robot-infested world?
Well, let's see here... Number one is the Iceman/Heatman thing; I already touched on that, I believe. [Heaves blocks of granite at random] Heat beats Ice, Wind beats Electricity, Strength beats Scissors, Stopwatch beats Boomerang ... Balloon Dog beats Xylophone... Shoot, there were some more, but I can't recall them at the moment. Just keep throwing whatever you've got at anyone you don't like, and you'll do fine. Number two is a bit more complicated, but it could just save your life. If you *do* happen to get into a fight with some robot menace, you might try letting Mr. Clankypants get in the first shot. It'll hurt, sure, but you'll be invincible and flashing for a few seconds afterwards. *That's* the time to let him have it. And finally, a good rule of thumb when gathering Energy Capsules is to always go for the big yellow ones. Those wimpy little "economy size" ones may seem like a good deal at the time, but when the chips are down and you're on your last life, you'll be glad you went with the deluxe.
[Cheering, accolades, shouts of "Balloon dogs rule!"]
Thanks again, Megaman. You are a prince, a saint, and a robot. Look for him in his newest game, Megaman and the Mysterious Dr. Badscience.That's all the time we have today, folks, so until next time, I've got 20,000 copies of my autobiography in a warehouse next door, and I'm not going to smile until someone buys every last one! And Morty, if you're watching, stop leaving those messages on my answering machine! Go find some other animated bear to prey on, you no-lipped, cannibal-auditioning parasite! I hear Winnie the Pooh needs someone to alphabetize his fan mail! Goodnight folks!
[All of the above, plus Camptown ladies sing "Doo dah!". Gruffi and Megaman move their mouths without speaking as credits roll. Megaman succeeds in wounding or destroying most of the studio audience. Fadeout]
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