June 3rd, 1997

HIGHLIGHTS

i wish i could shut my mouth
and stop acting so foolish
around others
im 14 again
if i could express
the true emotions
deep down
perhaps theyre new
i wouldnt act so foolish
around you
i feel a little closer to
understanding and
maybe i can be
your friend when you
can be mine
and i wont have
to pull my hand away
while we lie in circles
of comfort
that took 8 hours
of confusion to find
and this time
when i drive away
i wont suppress the urge
to cry
and try to feel your
warmth that i know
is there waiting to be
discovered, hopefully
i can find it, but
im so impatient
that i cry with frustration
and wait until mourning is gone

June 5, 1997
Spastic Sighs
sometimes
crushes can be rilly cool
sometimes
they can even be fun
sometimes
i just want to be your friend
and sometimes-i dont want over it

but you know what?
everyone knows
except maybe you
and they all think im stupid
yeah, well i agree
but what can i do?

Its a hopeless obsession
and i sometimes forget
that i made you up
but i didnt-wish i did
i wish i understood why
you make me feel like you do

im safe im whole
im scared im soft
im warm im free
im flying i can breathe
i am a girl

i cant capture common ash
through mixed up video screens
and bread with coffee grinds
in your pretty glass house
im frustrated so tired
and what i want -
is to hold your hand
while we sit and talk
together as
friends
__________
June 5th 1997

ENJOIN

while you sang
i felt your voice
rush down my throat
and grab my soul
and lift me up
onto your rain cloud

Sugar,
i felt your pain
in raspy breaths
i closed my eyes
and felt you inside of me
pushing tears against my eyelids
until you stopped

then we were uncomfortable again
for awhile..
i wanted to reach inside of you
and hold you close
i want to be your pillow

i feel so little
and sloppy and gross
maybe im not that put together
you look like you are
but i dont think you are
but dont go yet, i wont go

i just wannabe close
just wannabe close
oh i wannabe closer
and i wannabe him
because you're close to him

i have this clould weeping
on my tongue
while you sleep
i hear you breathe
in tragic sighs
placed upon your perfect
lips

June 10, 1997

EIGHT

across the sky
it seeps through my code
as i sit alone, scared
that i've messed things up
..sing to me

i wave hello and talk to try
and hide my nervous
flutterby's..here inside
i drive that fast
to race my heart
as he sings to me

it was better left unsaid
and i hate that everyone knows your beauty
flirtatious hints begin at that
i am not naturally evil
such things i do just to make myself
somewhat attractive to you
i think ive failed

i think i let this beam
become my glow
to try and harness my sadness
and youre just so pretty
but i cant feel-stop my thinking
so whats the use
my silly friend
sing to me

MY DENIAL
I bleed.
On and on
For some strange call.
im beginning to see it as a sign
To stop this loving.
To stop this liking.
Ive bled as long as ive known you
on and on
weaker and weaker
more and more emotional
coincidence
i have stop
or ill lose my strenght
and lose my mind.
But its lightning up
and so am i
so maybe im okay
and maybe well be fine

June 25th 1997

Throwing Me

In her yellow charm
you reach inside
her outside and feel
nothing.
As i wait confused and
rilly silly, dumb and quiet.
Shy in hours of time
we connect everyday through
lines of fake communication
thats oh so real
long chats in volvos
silence conforms the same
and im waiting for some sign
that i can be beautiful
meanwhile i wear you upon my sleeve
in hopes of nothing
that everything becomes
hopeless, i wait like im five
tugging on the apron strings
looking down
hiding behind my dirty scarf
in your car
i wait, impatient and child like
afraid of turning back
and seeing the past

June 28th, 1997
Come out Come Out

Deep inside your shaky confidence
i think i can see, your inner shell
that doesnt put on an act, but that weeps
for some sad thing i need to find
to try and mend, for some strange reason
i need to save.

i need to be close to you. im not sure why
all i want to do is wrap you in a blanket
and tell you its okay
and then we can go see a movie
If i didnt feel so wrong. I think we're friends
i think you like it too.