September 17th 1997

Uninspired
all on my own
Feeling that for the first time
i dont need anyone.
But somehow
i do.

Fog up crystal memories
of black scrawl
and loopy cursive
the only time i felt with my mind
and my body
i had truth
you had lies

i think you're blocking me.
i think she's blocking me.
I can stand on my own.
I have to show you that i can defeat it.
and until then?
i can carry on alone.

Perhaps clinging to a possible
near future
friendship
was the wrong thing to ask for
perhaps, asking you to share
memories of him with british flavor
will be akward.

We'll see.
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Okay so um, this next poem..i don't know when i wrote it (it was august or september..hmm) and i DONT rilly remember writing it..i mean i sorta do..but i dont at the same time. If it seems like i didnt write it let me know..i just randomly found it in my stack of papers..

Lose myself
destroy the hope
smash my mirror
fuck the fear

hurt me
hate me
screw me
never leave me.

i wish i didnt care
i wish you did
i wish i could stop wishing
tame him dear.

He wants to travel far
he wants to be a star
he wants to sniff cocaine
he wants everything (But me)

Who cares~
whos life is it
to run around inside and
smash up all my mirrors
^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
September 22 1997
Santa baby.
its hot and i can feel my skin burning
bring me christmas,
bring me snow
bring me warmth thats somehow cold
i'm watching them flirt and watching
them flame
fruity boys in love everyday
my skin still burns
its still so warm
oh christ another sleepless friday night
my body is sending the message
stop
drop
sleep some more
always exhausted
always need more
open up my eyes screaming
send me back to a different reality
i dont want to face another day alone