About the Authors

About the Author

Due to impending court appearances, we cannot disclose Mr. Johnson's face until after the guilty parties have been dealt with. For more information, contact the Witness Protection Program office near you.

Simeon Clements Johnson was born in the Congo during the early middle ages. He practiced medicine on all the wild creatures, and they were his friends. Often one could find him swimming with the crocodiles and the piranha, rolling about the jungle floor with a tiger cub or two, or sharing a bottle of wine with an emu. Yes, Simeon loved those animals, but not as you might think. No, it was purely a plutonic sexual interest he held. After all, he's not a freak.
After having worn out his welcome in the Congo (the natives began to grow frightened, for many of the newborn jungle creatures bore too striking a resemblance to our intrepid hero) he set out to make a name for himself in New Zealand. Not much is known about his exploits there, but he was escorted out of the country and politely asked never to return. Thus Mr. Johnson made his way to the good old United States of America. The rest, as they say, is history. Well, not major history. But history is history and trigonometry is a pain in the ass and Simeon just is. Like a force of nature. A hurricane. Hurricane Johnson, bigger than life and in the house.

Profile: Simeon Clements Johnson
Eyes: 2
Hair: Long.
Weight: Probably too heavy
Height: Bigger than a breadbox
Sex: N/A
Marital Status: Indifferent
Favorite Quote: "To memorize something that you could look up is sheer laziness"-Einstein
Favorite Shoe: Left
Lifetime Goals: World peace, a Porsche, meeting a girl that didn't scare me, and hosing Angela Lansbury
Favorite Marine Life: Turtle. Why? Because they're fun to watch when they're on their backs
Favorite Color: Green. 'Cause that's what color turtles are. And frogs are green too.
Favorite Musical Group: Englebert Humperdink. Or Gordon Lightfoot. I don't know. Maybe Dinosaur Jr.
Old Nicknames: Shiner, SchlepRock, Gungha Din, Frog Boy, Weird Guy in the Trenchcoat with the Holes Cut in the Pockets, Gimp, Wado, and Hey You!
Favorite Movies: Mole People, Universal Monster movies of the '50's, Kung Fu Theater, any Jackie Chan films, Henry the V, Heavy Metal, and any movie with Lena Olin (hot, hot, hot)
Favorite Non-Prescription Drug: Caffeine and anything with Ibuprofin

About the Other Author

This is an earlier mezazoic pic of Mr. Belotta, courtesy of Emily Davidson The dark clouds came as the sages of old gathered at their meeting place. They had come to summon He.
Their chants reached their height and the fog gathered in their midst, the lightning struck and the thunder rolled as the vast powers of the universe ripped asunder. Gods trembled and bowed their heads to pay homage to the one who was brought to this world. Mountains crumbled, oceans roared, mothers held their terrorized babies, warriors cringed with fright, and kings with their knights cried, for the awesome power that was brought into their world would surely break the twelve hundred Winters of peace that they had fought so hard to create. Priests prayed to the many Gods, wondering why They would bring this doom upon the faithful. And then the mages cried out at their mistake, for they had opened a door that they couldn't control and brought into this world...Gustavo. (Oh Boy)

Hair: Yes, although I did get a haircut about three months ago and I haven't felt the same since.
Eyes: 36/103.
Weight: With or without my galoshes and inflatable ducky?
Height: More than three apples high (but not by much).
Marital Status: DefCon 2.
Sex: Whenever I can (without getting caught).
Favorite Spam Dish: Spam, Spam, Spam, bacon, Spam, Spam, eggs, Spam, toast and Spam.
Favorite Soap: Lever 2000, for all my parts.
Favorite Land Mammal: The wallaby. Or the three-toed sloth.
Favorite Tripe Novel: Besides Psychobabble? I would have to say Curious George Visits the Proctologist.
Role Models: Ru Paul, that Henry David Thoreau guy (didn't he write Gulliver's Travels?), William Shatner (but only for his hairpiece), and the guy who writes Rush Limbaugh's jokes.
Favorite Cartoons: Reboot, The X-Men, Scooby Doo, Wait Till Your Father Gets Home, Droopy Dog, Two Stupid Dogs, G-Force, etc, ad nauseum...
Favorite MTV Grind Dancer: The Hootie Queen Girl (inside joke. Don't worry, they won't tell me either).

That about sums up the book info. To learn more about Simeon Johnson, check your local listings. To learn more about Gustavo Belotta, visit his webpage.