Let me simply start by saying this: I am clearly the reason that certain things exist.  You would not be reading this now if I hadn’t already imagined you doing such.  Certain fundamental truths become apparent when reality is viewed from the perspective of my own unconscious expectations, and reinforced by my own overwhelming subtle forms of verbal tomfoolery (shenanigans, to you laymen).  “What a load of shit,” you say?  Well this is exactly what I have willed to occur, my unwitting pawn.  Let me explain…
 About fifteen years ago, I was approached by two gentlemen born with the common names Angor and Thumpus, but they had no effect on my life.  It was not till years later, under an assumed name, that I met Simeon (not pronounced sim-ee-un) and Gus (also not pronounced sim-ee-un).
 It would seem that these two young chaps had an enterprising idea: the well-calculated slow-and-steady decline of personal hygiene (both physical and psychological) among today’s unfocused youth.  They needed advice.  I was their man (not actually at the same time; Gus had me first, but Simeon had me longer).  Anyway, they wanted to know how best to target their…uh…targets.  Television?  Radio?  CD-ROM Multimedia?  Annoying multicolored leaflets under car windshield wipers?
 “No, I said,” I said.(?)  “What you want to do,” I paused, dramatically, “is package your innovative thoughts and creative outbursts in the most limiting format you can; something that will only reach a very small group of people.” (I had woven tapestries in mind.)
 “Shut up!” and “Yeah, you’re stupid!” were their replies.  It was uh…all according to my plans…
 Since our initial meeting, Gus and Simeon have become nothing less than gods.  I was greatly relieved when they had the restraining order lifted and asked me to write the forward for their upcoming book (their third, they’ve told me, and their first with a major publishing company).  “Ah,” I thought, “my long-awaited chance for national exposure!”  All according to my master plan…I still never cease to astound myself: I truly am in complete control of my surroundings.
 Anyway, my point: E cabo hel puerto el guacamole.  Yes, my friends, the time has come for cleansing.  Step forward and be counted!  Read and enjoy this compendium of Psychobabble, as I will it to be so!

T. Benjamin