1. If staying in a haunted house, women should
investigate any strange noises wearing their
most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually
take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade
- at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that
reach up to armpit level on a woman but only
waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing
there is someone in the control tower to talk
you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -
even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a
perfect hiding place. No one will ever think
of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any part of the building without difficulty
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing someone
a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a
German officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window
of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating but will wince when a woman
tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police always shouts.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your
wallet as you take out a note - just grab one
at random and hand it over. It will always be
the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump
of your arm to grow by 15cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When
entering a kitchen at night, you should open
the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be
necessary to visit a strip club at least
once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and
waffles for their family every morning, even
though the husband and children never have
time to eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost
always burst into flames.
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist
can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light
up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's
easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath
- even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible
to fire weapons at an object out of visual
range, people of the 23rd century will have
lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
A Braves fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are
sitting together in a train. The train enters a
tunnel and the car goes completely dark. There's a
kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud
slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, Pamela
Anderson and the Braves fan are sitting as if
nothing happened, and the Yankee fan is holding his
slapped face. The Yankee fan is thinking, "That
Braves fan must have kissed Pamela and she swung at
him and missed, slapping me instead." Pamela is
thinking, "That Yankee fan must have tried to kiss
me, accidentally kissed the Braves fan, and got
slapped for it." And the Braves fan is thinking,
"This is great. The next time the train goes through
a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap
that Yankees fan again."
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt
upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight
road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance
of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should
always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be
restored by frantically beating the cradle and
saying, "Hello? Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper
cuttings - especially if any of their family
or friends has died in a strange boating
accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily
outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts
- your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one by dancing around in a
threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead
of facing the person you are speaking to, it is
customary to stand behind them and talk to
their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed,
everything in your room will still be clearly
visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally
bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers
personality tests to make sure they are
deliberately assigned a partner who is their
total opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to
speak English to each other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for
manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying
entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its
internal gravity system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this
will coincide with a thunderstorm that has
brought down all the power and phone lines in
the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're
likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs
prefer to kill their arch-enemies using
complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating
sharks that will allow their captives at least
20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers
forget their son's eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind
instruments and accordions can be played
without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readouts so you know
exactly when they're going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside
the building you are visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out
of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can
always buy a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without
smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has
been suspended from duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
A fellow was ordered by his Dr. to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed like hell" he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptious, athletic, beautiful, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself "I like the way this company does business." The same girl shows up for the next 2 days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/20 lb. program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me". He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next 4 days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the 5th day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised!!!! He decides to go for broke & calls the company to order the 7 day/50 lb. program!! "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies "I haven't felt this good in years" The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads "If I catch you, I can have you"
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. " Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H." The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love." So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love." The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
1. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
2. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
3. She tripped over the cordless phone.
4. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted
to make up her mind.
5. She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T
WALK.
6. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
7. At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here",
she put Sagittarius.
8. If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
9. When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she
moved.
10. Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
11. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front
of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
12. Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
Because it said "concentrate".
13. Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.
14. What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
15. Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't
fit the bottle in the typewriter.
16. What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop.
17. What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An airpocket.
18. What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.
19. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front"
20. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!"
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. She hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
An actual ad in the London Times. WANTED A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classic music and tal- king without getting too serious. But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
Blonde and Brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the Brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason." The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The Brunette says, "Oh, sure...but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The Blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
THE HOWL The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started." The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee." The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"
One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swing, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God!" "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve,
Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone
should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll
do it."
2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says,
"Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead
and she gave you the beer."
Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I
said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"
She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"