It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advise that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble. The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on. The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!"
A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor and their
wives went on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped
the ship; and they all drowned, and the next thing you know,
they're standing before St. Peter.
First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook
his head sadly. I can't let you in. You loved money too much.
You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in, either.
You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even
married a woman named Candy!"
The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It
doesn't look good, Fanny.
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?" The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBT!," right in the face and runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun." "Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer. An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a spit bath again ...... SPLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts. "You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks." "How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman. "They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBT."
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the Counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security Application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."---
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He
can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is
Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to
get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how
much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The
teller asks his name and the frog says that his name
is Kermit Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the
bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a
substantial amount of money and that he will need to
secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if
he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog
says, "Sure. I have this," and he produces a tiny
pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall.
It's bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to
consult with the manager, and disappears into a back
office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a
frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to
know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he
wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the
tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's
a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His
old man's a Rolling Stone."
Three guys, were using the urinals in a public restroom at the
Legislative Building. The first man finished relieving himself,
zipped up,strolledto the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands,
using plenty of soap andwater and doing a splendidly thorough
job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he
loftily announced to no one in particular "In pre med at University,
I learnedto be clean and sanitary." The man then left the
bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction The second gent zipped
up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbedhis hands with
much less soap and water than the first man, doing asplendidly
thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only
onepaper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular,
"In ManagementatU of S, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I
ALSO learned to bethrifty and environmentally conscious." He
then strode from the bathroomwitha purposeful air. The third guy
finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled pastthe, sinks to
the door, muttering to himself, "In Engineering I learned not to
piss on my hands."
There's this bloke, Frank, who runs a cafe in the town centre. One day
a health and saftey inspector visits his outlet, in disguise. Anyway Frank
is rinsing the glasses with really dirty dishwater, and spitting on the
glasses to polish in a shine. The inspector is a little taken aback but
goes up to the bar nonetheless. Frank is obviously alergic to the
inspectors hairspray or something because hr sneezes an almighty
amount of goo into his hands, and then proceeds to wipe it down his
apron.
"I'll have a cupcake please, and four fudge brownies," says the
inspector.
"Right," snuffled Frank, and promptly grabs the brownies in his filthy
ands and pops them on the dirty counter.
"What else was it, sir?" asks Frank, but the inspector can take it no
more and bursts out: "I'm a health inspector, and may I say Mister, that
this is the filthiest establishment I have ever seen. Your walls are filthy,
the counter's filthy, you're filthy, and I can smell your toilets from here!
You display no knowledge of hygiene, and blatently use your hands to
serve. Where are the cake tongs? Those marvelous things you pick
cakes up in! Where are your gloves? I'm giving you two weeks to clean
this place up sir, and if you fail, I will take great pleasure in closing you
down!" Well the inspector leaves, and Frank sits down, shocked. He
starts to think about the task ahead.Two weeks pass, and the inspector
returns. The place looks totally different it's clean, and it smells clean,
Frank is standing there with gloves and cake tongs, and he's even
bought a dishwasher, had a new paint job, and fixed the toilets.
"Well, I never thought you'd do it, but you've proved me wrong," says
the inspector. "I'll have a fudge brownie please."
Sure enough, Frank uses the cake tongs, puts the brownie in a little
bag, wraps it, and places it on the clean counter.
"I am impressed sir!" exclaimed the inspector. "You've made many extra
improvements, and you are the finest place I have visited all week. I bid
you a good day!"
"Wait on," said Frank. "I've made lots more improvements than you've
seen yet. Take my lavatory system for example, which is unique. You
see I've got this bit of string tied round my willy, and when I need to go, I
just pull the string, out it flops, and I don't even need to touch it!"
"Marvelous," says the inspector, tucking wholeheartedly into his
brownie. He turns to leave but then has a thought. How do you put it
away again?" he inquires, "without touching it, I mean."
"Simple," laughs Frank. "I use the cake tongs."
A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top
of her. "Can I turn the light off" he says. "Why?" she asks, "Are you
feeling a bit shy?" "No," he replies, "it's burning my arse!"
My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions. Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off." "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" "Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?" "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook..."
Recently at a rather large wedding the young ring bearer was noticed to be wandering down the aisle behaving strangely. First he would switch the pillow to his left hand, paw at the air with his right hand, and growl loudly. As he approached the front of the church the switched the pillow to his right hand and pawed at the air with his left hand, again growling loudly. As he stopped before the minister the reverend bent down and quietly asked him what he was doing. Surprised he loudly informed everybody, "I am the ring bear."
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the county," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us ... me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
The Mexican firefighter became the proud father of twin boys. He named the first one Jose and the other one Hose B.
There was a blonde who was sick and tired of being ridiculed for being blonde, so she decided to fix it by dying her hair brunette. Well, she was driving along a country road one day when she saw a shepherd with his flock. She decided to see if she could pass as a brunette and if she did indeed get any smarter. She pulled over to the side of the road and asked the shepherd if she could guess how many sheep he had she could have one. The shepherd thought this was an unusual request, but he agreed. The blonde thought about it for a minute and said, "one hundred and fifty." The shepherd said she was right and that she could pick a sheep to take home. She did and as she was putting it into the trunk of the car, the shepherd stopped her and said, "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause. Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match?'
One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had
a terrible accident. They were all sent to heaven. At the
gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven.
There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't
bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in
any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven
for all eternity."
The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her
laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!" She had
stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person
in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly
torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second
teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second
ugliest person in Heaven.
The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to
these people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen,
she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen.
She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said,
"He stepped on a duck."
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"