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i have all these bruises. falling seemed so pillowlike and slow; the ground was so soft i didn't think it'd hurt me. amaranth's friend from home whose hair is black and spiraled with gemstones clinging sparkling and i in trumpet sleeves and lace lost amaranth and foxglove in the milling throngs of frat boys and sorority girls. rush weekend. i must have had more than 16 shots of absolute. i will never drink it again it will make me gag and swoon. amaranth said "more! more! we have to get you drunk; you've never been drunk. this is the night we will get you wasted." and she did. it went so slowly. when we left for the parties i was fine, a little tipsy, still functioning. i was glad when i felt my inhibitions fly. i wanted to know if i was still a good person with no inhibitions. i wanted to know if i would be mean to people. as far as i know i wasn't. but i still remember lying on the bathroom floor mumbling "i'm a bad person. i'm a bad person." it took my roommate so long to disagree. ha. amaranth's friend and i found ourselves lost and abandoned in the middle of town and i had to navigate us back to the dorms. she kept saying "are you sure this is the way? are you sure this is the way?" but i was. we held each other's hands tightly to keep together. i kept falling and we kept falling and it's a miracle we made it back at all. ended up naked in the shower with the water falling down on us, lukewarm rain, saying "i love you i love you" and we were so glad not to be alone. foxglove and amaranth found us finally and amaranth joined us in the shower, laughing. someone got us towels. i don't recall getting back to my room. people today are so sweet to me. they want to make sure i'm ok. (they also want me to go to their christian praise gatherings, but that's alright.) it's so nice to live with so many other artists who know me and care about me. this almost feels like home now. amaranth's friend left early today. she wanted to go home. i guess we didn't show her a very good time. she never wants to drink again. she hasn't learned to find joy in the pain, in the delusion and heartbreak and subsequent rebirth. i had fun. i've had a lot of practice. |