COMPUTER RELATED HUMOR
MOST IMPORTANT
One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New
Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan,
Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hitch-hiking hippie. Suddenly, an
oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment and the
passenger cabin was boiling with smoke.
The cockpit door opened and the pilot burst into the cabin.
'Gentlemen,' he began, 'I have good news and bad news. The bad news is
that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there
are four parachutes, and I have one of them!' With that, the pilot
threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. 'Gentlemen,' he said, 'I am
the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think
the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!' With these
words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes and hurtled through
the door out into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, 'Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man.
The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have
a parachute too.' He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai
Lama spoke. 'My son,' he said, 'I have lived a satisfying life and have
known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you;
you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.'
The hippie smiled slowly and said, 'Hey, don't worry Pop. The world's
smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack!'
MORE COMPUTER HUMOR
42. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
43. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
44. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
45. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
46. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
47. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
48. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
49. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL50. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
51. uh...
52. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
53. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
54. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
55. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
56. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
57. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
58. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
59. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
60. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
61. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
62. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
63. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
64. E Pluribus Modem
65. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
66. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
67. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
68. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
69. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
70. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
71. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
72. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium
73. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
74. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
75. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
76. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
77. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
78. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
79. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
80. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
81. All computers wait at the same speed.
82. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
83. Press -- to continue ...
84. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue....
.85. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
86. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
87. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
88. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
89. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
90. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
91. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
92. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
93. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
94. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
95. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
96. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
NETDUMMY HUMOR
- Tech Support: "Ok Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type
the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't
have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do
you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm
not going to do that!"
- Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech
Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the
Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
- Customer: How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
- A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his is working fine."
- Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and
she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
- Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
COMPUTER HUMOR
MEMO: TO ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: INCREASED PRODUCTIVITY
Management has determined that there is no longer any need for
network or software applications support.(See below)
The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31,
1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS FOR ETCH-A-SKETCH TECH SUPPORT:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over
the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
SENT TO ROOTSWEB from Jack Pepper
This guy calls in to complain that he gets "access denied"
message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his
user name and password in capital letters.
TECHSUPPORT: "O.K., let's try once more, but use lower case."
CUSTOMER: "Oh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
CUSTOMER: "My computer crashed!"
TECH SUPPORT: "It crashed?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, and it won't let me play my game."
TECH SUPPORT: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
CUSTOMER: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
TECH SUPPORT: "Huh?"
CUSTOMER: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I
crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
TECH SUPPORT: "Click on 'file', then 'New Game.'"
CUSTOMER: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Thanks to John Fairlie
Error! No keyboard detected. Press F1 to continue.
Error! No mouse detected. Click here to continue.
Error! Virus requires a different operating system.
Horrible Bug Encountered. No idea what has happened.
Running low on disk space. Free at least 2GB.
Keyboard Locked. Try anything you can think of.
LOOK INTELLIGENT ON MESSAGE BOARDS
Add these brief codes to the subject line of a reply.
(CAAHI) Cheap Attempt At Humor Included.
(RITAI) Real intelligent, thoughtful answer included.
(GIUITH) Give it up, it's too hard.
(WWHBYMHY) We won't help because you might hurt yourself.
(OTBIFCTST) Off topic, but I feel compelled to say this.
(SCI) Spelling corrections included.
(TIACATAL) This is a cheap attempt to appear literate.
(AIBNTYQ) Answer included, but not to your question.
(WDDHST) We don't do homework, so there.
(IDRKBIAA) I don't really know, but I'll answer anyway.
(WDYWTDTA) Why do you want to do that, anyway.
(ASTLMIR) Answer space too large, more information required.
(JPTGMNITT) Just posting to get my name in this thread.
(CAOFMOB) Contains an apology for my offensive behavior.
(MPAWABLOS) My previous answer was affected by lack of sleep.
(ICIULRI) "I'm cool, I use Linux" remarks included.
(THIAFSF) This is a request for something free.
(IRTCMA) I refuse to code my answers.
COMPUTER TERMS
BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's
computer cost quite a bit."
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much
time bragging about your computer skills.
BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green
computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what
computer magazine companies do to you after they get your
name on their mailing list.
CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users
eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you
spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to
perform, as in "You $#% computer!"
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer
keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you
install your computer.
ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer
showroom to "just look."
EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to
house your computer and all its peripherals.
ALL TOO COMMON CALLS FOR HELP. TECHNICIANS REPORT:
An exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new
computer to turn on. A technician, made sure the computer was
plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she
pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens,"
the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes,"
the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch."
The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a
hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's
operations.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Computer
would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something
to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
she asked, 'What power switch?'"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many
people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any
Key" flashes on the screen that some companies are considering
changing the command to "Press Return Key."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Some people can't figure out the mouse. One customer complained
that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The
cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
The technician says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed
it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got
no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disk drives are another bugaboo. A Technician says a customer was
having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes.
After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
problem, the technician asked what else was being done with the
diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the
diskette,
roll it into the typewriter..."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request
that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter
from
the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy
of
the floppy. A technician advised his customer to put his troubled
floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician
to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking
over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door
to his floppy drive.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A
customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding
it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end
up damaging parts beyond repair. A customer called to complain
that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said,
filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard
for a day, and then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Computers make some people paranoid. A technician says he once
calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told
him he was bad and an invalid." The tech patiently explained
that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics 1949.
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and
talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data
processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
- Editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
"But what ... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
FROM DAILY COMIX
MURHPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING ...
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's
obsolete.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual
where you least expect to find it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what
you want it to do.
TRUE STORIES ...
-Compaq is considering changing the instruction "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key"
because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
An AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few
days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies
of the floppies.
A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the
technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find the printer." The
user had turned the computer screen to face the printer but his computer still
couldn't see the printer.
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