Funny, Stupid, Insulting and just playing Moronic things to say

This is just a bunch of funny things to say in different situations. Most of them don't sound funny out of context. I made up some of these lines but I have also listed a few I have heard from other people.

Crap Pick up line come backs

Some comebacks to those awful pick up lines guys like me use(j/k).


'Wanna fuck babe, I'm a sex machine?"
"Yeah, you look like vibrator, you dick.'

'Hey baby why don't you come sit on my face?'
'I may as well your nose has got to be bigger than your dick!'

'How do your like your eggs in the morning?'
'Unfertilised PISS OFF.'

'Your father must of been a thief because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.'
'Your father must of been your mothers brother.'

'Why don't we re-arrange the alphabet and put U and I together?'
'Why don't I re-arrange your anatomy and put my knee and your balls together.'(followed by swift knee to the nuts)

'Show us your tits.'
'You first fat arse.'

'Whats a girl like you doing in a dump like this?'
'Getting chatted up by a complete loser.'

'Can I buy you a drink?'
'Yes.' take the drink and walk off.

Or to any pickup line answer in a very manly deep voice and say something like 'So you like chicks with dicks do ya HAHAHAHAHA.' of course this won't turn off all men.

Quotes and Tag lines

"You can fool all of the people some of the time, and you
fool all of the stupid people all of the time."

"Don't leave it to beaver, he's a cunt."

"Leave it in you pants, don't jump and let it dance."

"If it waddles like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, smells like a duck and tastes like duck, then you just ate a perfectly happy duck."

Ways to calls someone stupid or crazy

'She couldn't pour piss out of a boot if it had instructions on the heel'

'he's so stupid he failed his urine test'

'The car's moving but the drivers asleep at the wheel.'

'he has the full six pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.'

Miscellaneous Situations

When the lights suddenly go out in blackout or what ever shout out 'get your damn hand of my thigh' works best in crowded rooms

When you answer a wrong number or a friend calls late at night and the
person on the end apologises
just say "Its okay I had to get up to answer the phone anyway." When some critises you for being drunk just say "I may be drunk but you're ugly
at least I'll be sober in the morning."

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