For the past few days, it's been one of those "very rare occasion" things again.. I've been on one of my thinking trips agian. Those things are rough for someone who doesn't do it very much. I've mostly been thinking about school, Jamie, Justin, Mat.. the usual. But there's something there that I'm missing.. it's like it's something I'm not allowing myself to think about it. Since I don't know what it is exactly.. I can't out right think about it. I have an idea of what it is.. but I don't want to bring it up. It's like it's a very bad dream I can't wake up from, only difference is.. I'm wide awake. Maybe my reality is finally hitting me, telling me it's time to grow up. I'm not ready to, no. Or maybe it's just a gut feeling about something.. and I'm not wanting to face it. I don't know.

The people around me do what they can to help out in these kind of times. They never take me seriously and that's all because I can't stand to be taken seriously. When I'm taking seriously, it makes me feel like I'm losing my touch on my sense of humor and I don't like that feeling. And that's usually when I become remotely disgruntled. But lately, I've been quick to tell people to fuck off too. I only do that when I'm in one of these moods. I usually ahve little to no patience anyway.. but with these moods, my patience level is slim to zip.

When I'm in these moods.. I take no shit from no one.. espically my mama. She's one of my best friends.. but she's the last person I take shit form anyway.. espically in the moods I have been in. I'm real quick to show her I'm not taking any of her "Stop rebelling" crap. In her mind, I'm still five years old. She can't go to my sister's house without dragging me along. She won't go up to Birmingham without me.. and although I love seeing Jesse, I don't want to pack up and hightail it up there when she gets ready to. I am always ready to go where ever it is I'm about to go, but when you're asking me to leave my friends on my only free time away from the teenagers real world today, it's not easy and it's a lot to ask from a teenager. And I don't like it. I'm personally tired of it, but I can't tell her that. There's too many things I bite my tongue on out of respect for her.. simply because of the fact that she's the one who has to put up with my shit. I respect her for putting up with it too.. but there's times when you have to leave me alone and let me be.. I promise I will calm down.

When I'm like this, I can't sleep. For all I know, it's stress. I do have a lot of stress on me now with school and all.. but I can't just drop it to keep my body happy. As much as I would like to, I can't. Last night I was laying in my bed at about 1:30. School night, and I couldn't sleep. So I laid there and thought and tossed and turned. I cannot remember for the life of me what I was thinking about. It would probably help to talk about this kind of stuff, but I'm not the type to "open up" on my feelings. It's actually quite hard to get me to open up unless the flood gates have let lose. When the flood gates open, beware. That's when I'm the high class bitch, but I also want to be held and told that everything will be okay.. even if I know in my mind somewhere in my mind that everything is not okay. These kind of moods are the hardest kind for me. Because normally, they hurt me.. as well as the ones I love most..

(Written the week of Sept. 5, 2000)