People usually have many, many memories from their past, some more then other. Most are of their childhood. Some are from their elementary years. Some from thir junior high days, high school days.. PROM NIGHT! Then some from another life. Or maybe their older years. Most of mine that I choose to remember are from my childhood/elementary days, and some high school days. I chose to block out junior high and some of high school. I have a legit excuse for it too.

My childhood was great. Couldn't have asked for a better one. Well, until age 10.. but hey, that's when I became 'Miss. Role Model of the Year' No, that did not really exist.. but anyway.. I became the 'rebel' of the family. And I was the only girl so I got a majority of the attention. I was also a hopeless tomboy.. still am. I remember Travis thinking I couldn't pin him or tackle him when we would play football.. and I did everytime. He'd deny it at school the next day, of course. But that was Travis for ya. He's still one of my bestest buds. Then I remember the first doll I got. Still have her, she stays in the chair I have in my room. My mama told me her and my "uh oh" went with me everywhere when I was little. She thought she'd done thrown all my little dolls away or something, and maybe the week? before we left for Texas.. she found them. That's the only thing I ever really played with that was 'girly' as a kid.

Junior high days.. that's part of my memory I choose to block. To me it seems like those days are even touchable.. or they didn't exist. That was just a part in time where I felt dead, didn't wanna live.. it was like I didn't exist in that time. I'd given up on everything. I call it "My Era of Depression" when someone asks why I erased it. Because soemone told me one night when we were sitting there talking.. "Your past is what tells your future.." I said "Well hell.. kill me then. That is one point in time that I refuse to live through again.. and I guaren-fuckin-tee you, that I will not do it." And she just looked at me with sympathy and pity, so I told her that I didn't want her sympathy and pity that I didn't need it. And she got pissed and walked off. Then tears let loose when she walked off from me. This was a time when I needed all the attention I could get, from anyone who was willing to give it to me. But nobody was.. nobody but two people.. Brad and Curt. Travis was around, but intrested in other things and I understood.. but when I did have his attention, I could feel him trying to reach out to me.. so I allowed him to, and it made me realize that he has been there for me, too.

At the beginning of high school, I was lifting outta my stage.. or so I thought. tenth grade started.. blah. Eleventh grade came. The roughest year anyone could have. One date sticks out in my mind when that year comes up.. April 24th. That was the day I 'attempted suicide' I did nothing of the sort. My counsoler even told me that. He told me and my mama both that I was hurting so much on the inside, and had to show it on the outside. All I had done, was cut my hand. And it didn't even bleed or anything, just left a little scratch like thing. A week before that year had started, during summer.. I spent a week in a psychologists office because of a piece of paper, that was nothing more then words. Words mean a lot, yeah.. but not the words that were on that piece of paper. People just put too much into nothing.. just like they always do. There were so many people that came and went that year in my life.. but only one stuck with me.. Angie. I've never met her, no.. but she is one of my bestest friends. Twelfth grade.. started off kinda shaky, and bumpy. A friend of mine, and I went into the school year.. pretty good friends. Then something happend. We got into a stupid little fight about something very stupid. She wrote me a note I did not like at all, so I wrote her back.. and we just never talked to each other after that. Then, in October or so.. I got into this thing we call "cutting". For those who don't know, it's this thing where you cut yourself. I met Mat while all this was going on. Something didn't go my way with him, so I put an "M" in my arm. Put line on the top of both wrists, and a "F" on my ankle.. those are the ones you can REALLY see. This went on until maybe, later December, early Janurary. Another date sticks out in my head with this point in time.. December 15th. There were so many things going through my head at this time. If I needed anybody, I went directly to Angie. She kept me calm, online.. away from the darker room. Her, Mike, Chris, Tammie.. and a whole bunch more. One thing she told me, was that I was gonna have to quite the cutting stuff.. for both Mat and Leigh's sake. That they both needed me, and that I need to stay alive and well for them both. She did so much, to help me through that time.. and all she did, was talk to me online. I didn't get to thank her for it, so I'll do it now..
Ang, thanks girl.. for everything you did for all of us. You may not have been able to do it in person, but just talking me through shit was plenty..

Everything went pretty smoothly after that. Until later April. That's when I started getting these wacked out symptoms. It was a pinched tendon the first time. Second time around, inner ear infection.. that one was bullshit. Then on the third stop, it was depression showing in a different way. Bullshit. It's what Angie was telling me it was all along.. stress. So now everytime I get stressed, I'll more then likely have those symptoms. And I think my pinched tendon's here to stay too.. or my shoulder problem is anyway. Then graduation day came, and soon as that was over with.. we headed off down to the beach. Had a pretty fun time there too. My summer has been awesome too.

There is one memory I will always have, and that's the day my grandfather died. The worst day of my life.. Wehn I saw them bury him, all of my heart went with him. There's not a day that doesn't go bye, that I don't think about him. I loved that man with all of my heart.. always have, and I always will.

The 'spark' that made me think of this page to do, was tonight.. we all went riding about, and we spilt after a while. We had Mat, Hunter, and Brad with us.. and the rest went about their own way. We were listening to "Otherside" by RHCP and Lori had to take the stroll down memory lane, so we went on base and rode by her old house. That brought back memories of our childhoods. Both of us about started crying. It made me realize that there was so much we could do as a child, and now it's all gone.. and never coming back. We could stand out in our front yards, and feel as safe as we ever have. We can't do that now. We can't do a lot of stuff that we used to could do back then, and it sucks. And it hurts..