A Japanese family are all sitting down at the table and having a meal together. There are a few bits of tinsel scattered around the joint. The doorbell goes. One of the children get up and answers the door, but everyone stirs a tad. The door opens and Miranda and James are there.
James: <Hello!>
Kid: Hello!
The mother appears.
Mum: <Hello. Come on in. I'm Mitchia.>
James: <Hello. I'm James and this is Miranda, I'm afraid she hasn't got much Japanese.>
They both shake her hand. The kid picks up on this and spends the rest of the scene trying to shake Miranda's hand. From now Mum and James are having a conversation in Japanese whilst laddie shows off his English to Miranda.
Mum: <That's OK. You're going to be her ears and mouth then?>
James: <Well it looks like she might have her own translator already!>
James and Mum share a titter. Miranda looks up wondering what's going on, but trys not to be rude to the boy wonder.
Mum: <Did you have a nice trip?>
James: <Great. It all went smoothly, not too much hassle.>
Mum: <Good. We've got some food for you here for tonight. You can have it now if you like - we've just finished ours. Or if you'd rather just relax, have a wash and generally veg out after the journey then that's cool.>
Kid (simultaineous with a couple of lines ago like): How did you get here?
Miranda: By plane, we didn't really have enough time to take a cruise over.
Kid: Are you married?
Miranda: No. No we're not.
Kid: Do you like dogs? We've got a dog.
Miranda: Yes, they're alright.
James: Do you want to eat now, or just flop for a bit.
Miranda: I'm knackered.
James: Yeah, me too. <We'll just settle in for a bit I think, if that's alright.>
Mum: <Of course it is. Let me take you're bag. Sartoru, take Miranda's bag next door will you.>
Kid: Yup Kingpin!
They step back into the corridor and walk to the next flat's door. Mum gets the key out and lets them in taking the key out of the door and giving it to James.
Mum: <You can meet everyone else later, they're all dying to see you. Right, here we are, it's the next flat. Everything should be there. Just call us or come round if you need any help. OK?>
James: <Great, thanks alot. See you in about an hour or so I expect. Bye.>
Miranda: <Thank you>
Kid: See ya James. See ya Miranda.
Mum drags Kid out backwards and shuts the door behind her. Our lovebirds have a quick peck and a hug and then recline on a comfy sofa.
Miranda: No worries about the natives not being friendly.
James: I wouldn't bank on it. It's in their blood. All that warm exterior is just to hide their disembowelling instinct.
Miranda: Oh behave and find me my present.
James: Lets have a look.
He has a quick gander around the house. It's basically a fairly large living room with a kitchen and bedroom off it. Odd cards are up too.
James: They've not exactly made it easy for us have they?
Miranda: Dah. Wait til later. Come here and we'll watch their message.
James: And admit defeat? Get real grandma! Here they are. The gits put them in the oven. Oh God, there's loads of them. I'll just bring a couple out. God!
Miranda: Ace, which one's mine?
James: Dunno. There aint any labels.
Miranda: Can I have the big one? Gimmy, gimmy.
They sit next to eachother opening the clips and clasps of the reusable present boxes.
Miranda: Ace, it's a kimono. Can I have it?
James: I suppose so.
Miranda: Oh ace, I'll wear it next door tonight.
James: Yeah, why not. The other one I quite smartly left in the oven's much nicer... Oh biscuits. Get in. I think they're homemade. Want one?
Miranda: That's a bloody stupid question if ever I heard one.
They sit munching for a frame.
James: Come on then Puter, lets see what old Albert's got to say.
The screen springs to life and starts up the vid Albert made to greet them.
Albert: Hello James and Miranda. Welcome to our humble. I hope we've had time to make the place look a tad respectible cos we're a bit rushed at the mo. Can't wait to stay in your little flat. Your Grandma sounds ace, but she was a bit upset that you've chosen to go away on the first week. Older people don't seem to realise that it's nice to have a change every now and then. Mind you I'd stay at home first week next Christmas, she says she usually enjoys the family being together and organizing all the events and everything for us firsties more than going on holiday herself.
I presume you've already met the Oi's next door. They're ace. I think they're planning to make some food for you for tonight. Good luck!
If you're anything like me you'll have opened all of my presents to you by now. But if you're wondering where they are then ... Well you'd just better look a tad harder then. Anyway, I'm sure you're dead tired after the journey so I'll leave you be. I'll be at your place ages before you, so give us a bell when you like. You might even get to see Anna unless she's still doing her make up. I shouldn't joke about it. She might be! Er, don't forget the 10 hour difference (as if you could.)
You're still in Progen aren't you James. You're the only person I know still in it, though there's a friend of a sister of a friend of mine who's still in the running. You must be able to sniff it. Good luck with it anyway. I've left Donkey with some suggestions of things you could do during your stay. Well the sort of things we'd like to do if we visited Kyoto anyroad.
Enjoy your stay and our home. See ya.
The screen dies.
Miranda: Ain't Christmas ace. None of that drunk driving, gluttony, wasted money on useless presents, and nothing going on. Just half the world swapping houses with friends and strangers, leaving the other half to organise stuff for everyone on holiday for the week before going on holiday themselves. It's got to be the one thing that establishes ourselves as being civilised.
James: Oh God. She's in one of her enthusiastic moods
again. I'm going to take a shower before you get me playing Beetles.
E 2 Progen Interview
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James is sat in a waiting room in the reception of one of the Progen offices. He's got his worky sort of clothes on: white unironed shirt (current fashion), dark flowery tie, dark trousers with some sort of small repetative pattern, and odd socks. A lady comes through one of the doors.
Interviewer: Hello James. I'm Marg.
James: Hello.
Interviewer: Let's drag you off for the grilling then!
They set off walking through the building.
James: Right-oh. It's not going to be too bad is it?
Interviewer: Oh, I don't know... You made it here in one piece then. What do reckon to 'The George' then?
James: It's quite smart isn't it! Nice to live it up for a change. Most of us staying there had a bit of a drink after the meal last night - quite a laugh.
Interviewer: Oh yeah? One of the unfortunate ones who had earlier interviews looked a tad the worse for it. You look like you've just about worn it off by now!
Both laugh.
They get into the office. It looks fairly simple and clean. The desk is about four foot wide with a long thin screen at the back of it.
Interviewer: OK then, here we are. Take a seat. Right, I'd better start off by telling you what I'm looking for so that you can tailor your response.
James: Oh, thanks very much.
Interviewer: I'm not going to test your technical knowledge and ability, so you don't have to impress me with loads of stuff cos it'll go right over my head. You've passed all the previous interviews and tests which were looking for all that. So you've got further than I have. All I'm trying to establish is how you'd fit in with the rest of the people on Progen. Obviously, all the people who get picked will form the seed for a whole new society, completely isolated from the Earth. So we want to make fairly sure you're not going to blow Progen up in a fit of suicidal rage, or that you're not going to talk to anyone and create a bad atmosphere on Progen. That sort of thing.
You're now down to the last 20,000 worldwide and 4,000 of you will go to Gensim. So that's a 3 month party to look forward to even if you're not one of the lucky 1000. Honestly, Gensim is going to be a serious laugh. The only thing is that it will be used as a quarentine period: if you are picked, then you'll not be able to physically meet anyone outside the Progen project. With this in the back of your mind all the way through Gensim, it may make you think twice about accepting an offer if one was made to you.
Right then I'll just go down this list of topics and we'll discuss what your thoughts are on them. It's a pretty crude way of getting a conversation going, but it's quite effective for comparing candidates. Right, sport.
James: Oh, the hard ones first. I'm not going to shine on this one really cos I don't do very much of it. I know it encourages teamwork and stops you thinking that if you want a job done well, do it yerself, and one should really do lots of sport, but I can never really get too excited about running about and getting hurt. Everyone who plays sport regularly seems to have injuries regularly too. I'm too keen on self preservation really.
Interviewer: What about using sport to keep fit.
James: Well I never intend getting fit, let alone keeping fit. You'd have to spend such a disproportionate amount of time on your body. I'd rather be active in other areas more. Also, if you're fit you become so susceptable to colds and anything that's doing the rounds. Nah, I go by the premise that the best way of making your muscles as strong as they need to be is to do the things you need to do.
Interviewer: What about the aerobics you do? Doesn't that conflict with your general philosophy on exercise?
James: Ah, well no. I like dancing so that counts as something I need to do. But aerobics is ace: you just prance around doing whatever teach is doing and it's cool to work up a sweat, which it often isn't when you go out for a quick boogie. I do that quite a bit with me mates, aerobics is just a more rigourous version of that really. You do feel really great after a sesh mind.
Interviewer: Right, what about music then?
James: Ah, you've picked a good one there. I like almost any noise at all. You could have someone scratching their nails down a wall and I'll listen and probably dance to it. There's just so much good music around at the moment: electronic, folk, rock, even classical. As a rule of thumb with classical music, if it doesn't end with 'Da, Da, Dahhhhh' to wake every one up and tell them when to start clapping, and spend most of the rest of the piece being oh so very witty and pretending to have endings before the real end, then I probably like it. But as that excludes almost all of them I don't have to plough my way through much to see if any of them break the rule. I haven't been prooved wrong yet though. I love folk festivals, they're just great, with all the kids running around, and the morrismen and all that. It's great...
Sometime later in the interview.
Interviewer: OK then, that's enough of that rubbish, now we get to the fun part. Well for you anyway. We need some of your body to test the DNA for genetic defects. You'll only fail at this hurdle if you've got loads of bad ones, but we've obviously got to protect the next and following generations of Nalenguans. And of course, we've got to check that you're not firing blanks. If you get onto Progen you'll be encouraged to get into a relationship which, with a bit of luck, will bear fruit. However, if you don't want to settle down and have babies, or maybe if you're homosexual, you might not want to participate in the conception of a child. Obviously Nalengua requires as much variety of genes as it can get, so your sperm will be artificially inceminated if this is the case. Think yourself lucky, the women have to say they are going to have a baby before they're forty. There's not much scope for not giving birth, although the child may be brought up by someone else if they want. We don't want to impose this on people living this free society, people should make their own minds up, but I'm sure I don't need to explain why this condition must be imposed.
Anyway, the long and short of all this is that we need a sperm sample, and although there are other methods of extraction, manually is probably the simplest and most fun. If you've got a problem with that then we can come to some alternative arrangement, lots of people do.
James: No that sounds quite embarressing enough for me!
Interviewer (chorteling): Yes. Well, the room's got a live size screen and some cracking smut in there. Try not to forget to collect the sperm like one bloke did earlier. Ha ha.
James: Tee Hee.
You then see them entering the wank room.
Interviewer: Here you go then. (Handing him the container (use your imagination.)) Take your time. We've got a serious collection of porn, and it's quite a nice room for it really.
James: Cheers.
The door shuts behind him.
James thinks: I wish I hadn't had one this morning now. Well, off to work then!
James: Puter. Got anything for a good pull then?
Puter prints various broad titles.
James: I think we'd best have a colour video. Sod all this arty farty stuff. And nothing with any blokes in it. Uniforms, slow strips, groups, Christmas. Christmas? Is it left over from last year or is it this years? Best give us a group of airhostesses if you've got any.
Now if you're producing a porn version of Lover's Limit,
you can dwell on this for as long as you want. Just remember that you may
require some artistic advise from the author during shooting!
E 3 Graveyard
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James is sat in the graveyard of a bog standard glorious parish church. The gravestones are maintained to a reasonable degree, and there are several benches with a few odd people and maybe a couple populating them. They sit and think or talk, or walk and look at the graves (maybe at the baby ones.)
James thinks: What a lovely place. All those people buried here. They all thought that after death they'd go to live at a better place than this, or did they really? Anyway, they all knew that their bones would remain here for eternity. Strange. Everything that has happened since then, we still respect that. I don't know why, we seem to have no respect for most of our ancestors' thoughts and beliefs. Sometimes I think I'd quite like to be buried, cremation seems so final. When you're layed out to rest as part of the Earth it seems like you're still part of life, society. Still, mustn't let my ego get the better of me, wanting to live on after death is for boneheads. And think of everyone who's died since burials stopped. Probably the whole world would be one large graveyard by now. Why have you come here James? You've never come to this, or any other graveyard before to just sit and think like everyone else does. Bringing Nanny's snuff box along just gives me an excuse. What are you going to do if you do get onto Progen? What a question. How could anyone turn down the oportunity, not only of a human lifetime, but of the Earth's lifetime? I know the odds of going to Nalengua are still stacked up against me, but... The orders of magnitude are so much smaller now. I'm starting to really think I'm going. Just thinking back to when almost everyone was applying and the whole world dreamed for a couple of months up until the rejection certificates started to come though. Now it feels like reality to me. Some people have rejected offers for Progen. Maybe I should consider declining an offer. I wouldn't though, it just seems like the right thing to do. As if my life up until now has almost been tailor made for Progen.
Miranda appears on the frame and walks towards James slowly.
James thinks: Does she mind James? We both remember the agreement we made on our first date down Crusts, but will she be alright without me? Don't be too concered will you now James? You git.
James thinks: She'll be fine. She's perfectly capable of coping without you ya arogant git. It's an exciting time James. If you're not chosen then your options are hardly limited on Earth, in fact you'll probably get a much better job cos all the really decent personnel are on Progen! If you're good enough you'll get picked. Don't worry about it.
Miranda: Do you mind me sitting here? I'll go away if you want to be alone. I just wanted to give you the option of being with someone if you wanted. Shall I go?
James: No. No. I'm just thinking.
Miranda (taking a pue): Yeah, you've not really moved much stuff in yet have you.
James thinks: What? Oh!
James: Well I think it's been a sort of mix of accepting it as being the right thing at the right time, and not really thinking much about it. It's nice to spend a couple of moments reflecting on it now. Just so I don't rush into anything I'm going to regret.
Miranda: It takes time. You bring something of Nanny's?
James: Yeah. The snuff box.
He hands it to her.
Miranda: It's a nice tradition that. Sort of connects you with your ancestors and the people buried here bringing something given to you by someone who's now passed away.
James: Yeah. I think I've completely accepted the situation now. Now I've spent a bit of time thinking about it. Come on lets go.
You could do a comic cliche/ here by watching them walk
into the distance and leave the graveyard.
F/G-1 Gensim
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View from Gensim's main entrance. A small car for only
two people in it pulls up outside. Spend a couple of frames watching the
two hugging and all that. One of them gets out and walks down the path
towards Gensim. As he gets closer it becomes apparent that it is James.
Follow him all the way along the path. On the doorstep he turns and waves
then enters. Wait a frame as the car stays outside even though James has
entered Gensim and is out of sight. The car then leaves.
New scene. A classroom with eight seats placed randomly around the room in random directions. There is also a stack of seats in the centre of the room. There is someone sitting in all of the seats (except the ones in the centre, natch.) Everyone is wearing a boilersuit - just like in all the movies. James looks through the slit of glass to the side of the door, and then knocks in the assertive manner that you attempt to do when you're nervous.
Everyone in the room loudly: GO AWAY!
James pauses for a second, looks around him and checks the room number on the door, looks through the glass again to see everyone looking at him. He opens the door.
James: Is this B1-11?
Someone in the far corner with her seat facing the corner stands up on her seat and turns to face him.
Jane: Hello, I'm Jane and I feel more than a tad silly actually! What's your name soldier?
James: James.
Jane: Right then, before I start, I need a number between 1 and 7.
James: Err, err three?
Someone close to the centre but facing somewhere stupid titters to himself and everyone looks at him temporarily.
Jane: Right then, listen carefully cos I was the last person to come in and you'll be introducing everyone to the next person who comes in in a couple of minutes. Right, starting with our leader Andrew, (she points at him as she does to all of them,) Barbara, Clive, Darron, Liz, Fred, that's Girtrude, and of course you'll have to add Jane to that list, and yourself. You chose three so that's Clive.
Clive: Smashing. Well in the absence of any way to suspend a chair from the ceiling somehow, you can sit, or lie rather, along the skirting board of the wall directly behind the door. Best get a chair then eh?
James: Clive right? Cheers mate. What now: do you want me to take this cliche/d boiler off? One for the ladies maybe?
Chuckles all round.
James (trying to arrange himself): I don't blame you Clive, it's not really your fault. I mean all those problems your mother had trying to bring you up singlehandedly with no money or emotional support whilst you're wetting the bed every night. Endless trouble with the police. I personnally think you've done 'really quite well considering.' It's a tribute to the efficient running of the whole Progen project that they've found some space for underpriveledged children on Gensim. They can mix freely and are treated just as if they were a normal candidate.
All of them have a good little chuckle. Well as large as you like really given that they're all trying to fit in but stand out.
Clive: Settle down now and behave.
There's a knock on the door.
Everyone: GO AWAY.
James: Aggghh.
The door opens as if the knockee hadn't listened to everyone telling him where to go.
James slides back along the floor 'standing up' on his chair until his head is crammed underneath someone elses chair.
James: Don't ask. You must be Beaky?
NB Give this bloke a big nose unless you've got a big nose yourself and are thus a member of the anti-nasal-abuse-lobby.
James: No? Don't tell me... Clumsy!
Titters abound.
James: Anyroad, I'm James,and I'm glad we've become so intimate so early on in our relationship. Don't take any notice of what I'm going to say cos it's complete bollocks, and so muffled you'll never get it anyhow. First of all, give us a number between eight and ten.
Clumsy: Pi squared.
James: Very good. Your name Cocky? No? I'll get it soon. Nine, that's me. Smashing! James looks at Clive as best he can through the chair legs and gives him an evil smile.
James: A quick introduction is in order: Andrew, Barbara, Zeus, err Greg? That's Beaky (I remember now), Mick and Titch natch, and the lovely Jane, bless 'er. Right, now the fun part. Get a chair from the centre and sit on top of Zeus. Serious. Oh, and you've got to introduce everyone to the next person through the door, in the style of a Dashaund.
Clumsey: Is this B1-11?
Everyone pisses themselves.
Andrew: Yes, it's OK your in the right room. Thankfully you're the last member of the group. That was just some stupid ice breaking session. I always find that the more ridiculous they are, the more ice is broken. Now as you may or may not (looks at James) have gathered, I'm in charge of your stay on Gensim. If you have any problems or find anything that you feel needs to be said then I'm your man.
Andrew: Right, lets start with these ridiculous clothes. As you know, you'll have your own clothes on Progen to provide both a fashion element to the community, and to link you with your past on Earth. As you'll find if you get onto Progen, and statistically two of you will, maybe none of you will be suitable, and there's even a chance that all of you'll get some of the various miscellaineous vacancies invented really to allow certain couples to be accepted. As you'll find, there's quite a lot of steps been taken to avoid you loosing your identity. This is probably the most traumatic move Man will ever make, everyone onboard will have to loose all their friends and family, and move to a place they've never been to before, with people they don't know, without even a chance of visiting or even calling, or even writing after the first year to anyone. So you've all selected your favourite clothes and a few light odds and ends to take with you if you get picked. All these are currently in quarentine, and so are you I suppose, until either you get moved up or you finish Gensim after probably the best holiday you'll ever get. All these bits and bobs will be THE artifacts on Nalengua if they get there. The general human emphasis on Progen is its links with the Earth in an attempt to try and stop you going crazy.
Gensim on the other hand is trying to emphasize the main problems with Progen: the overall lack of space; almost complete lack of contact with Earth and only very limited one way contact after lover's limit is passed. It'll be a real occasion when anyone on the ship gets a letter then. Good old t=c/g, bless it. So on Gensim the amount of general living space has been reduced by 25%. If you start feeling that this is starting to make you feel claustrophobic, don't try and persuade yourself that the extra 25% will make all the difference, it won't. By six months you'll probably be a cringing mass curled up in a ball on the doctor's couch. Under that circumstance Euthenasia may be the only option because get this straight now, the colonisation will not be terminated for your individual well being.
All your friends and family have been asked to send you letters today, tomorrow, and on Thursday and Friday too. You'll get today's today, tomorrows will be released after four days, you'll not get Thursday's until after two weeks, and Friday's letter you'll get a week before the end of the quarentine period. This should really mess you up, and it's designed to. But again, although we've exagerated the effect, believe me, it's nothing compared to what you'll feel on Progen.
Now we're all trying to make out that Gensim is the fun bit, and Progen will be harsh. In my opinion that's true. I didn't apply, I honestly feel Gensim is the real achievement. But I'm sure that you don't feel that way. My job is to really make you think about what you're doing. If, after three months some of my enthusiasm for the Gensim party has worn off on you then I've done my job properly. But if you still feel that you want to sacrafice your life for Man in general, then you're the person Progen wants.
Everyone thinks: That'll be me.
So when you decide you don't want to go onto Progen, just tell me. About 30% of the people who've come to Gensim so far have 'had a word' before they've got to the stage of offering jobs. And as you know you're some of the last, so that's quite a reasonable figure, so you'll certainly not be alone. If you do want to drop out then you can leave straight away and go back to your friends. Now not too many have done that. Gensim is designed to be a novelty holiday resort after Progen's departure, and the whole idea is to have a laugh, so if you don't want to go onto Progen, stay here. When else in life can you take a three month paid laugh and go back to your job at the end of it, and still have a month's holiday to spend in the other nine months? If you look out for the people who are real animals at the bar, they've all dropped out and are now really going for it all in a big way. Any questions?
Clumsy: Can we reject an offer to go to Progen if we want to?
James and Clive look at eachother, tut and smile.
Andrew: No, I'm afraid if we want you to go, you'll have to go.
Stunned silence. James and Clive turn and pay attention.
Andrew: Dah, get a grip. It's your decision all the way. Any more? Right, now you all know that the only way teachers can tell which part of an explaination actually gave the students their realization is for the students to tell them as soon as they understand it. Well you've guessed it, your group has been chosen as one of the test groups. You'll have to complete a short realization form after each session. The form will ask you a couple of quick questions just to establish that you really have understood what's just been taught to you. Then there's a couple of questions about what tipped the balance for you, and a space for any comments. Don't feel you have to fill out the comments part to stand a better chance of getting onto Progen as almost everyone does. It just leaves me with a pile of useless text.
Well, start as you mean to go on, that's what I say. Just
really to give you a feel for the format of the form, go to the screens
around the edge of the room and follow the instructions.
F/G 2 Gensim Night Out
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Dance studio aeorobics group scene with everyone all lined up and Teach up front. Everyone's doing the joggy wakeup bit beside their mats after they've all been doing the streaches right at the end. Make sure they all look as ridiculous as you can bear to make them. Euro house? Clive's dead out of time. The studio's shaped in a sort of semicircular manner like it would have to be on Progen.
Teach: Right then, lets slap it all out. Ankles first. Knee's. Groin.
James and Clive look at eachother after both turning away from Teach and/or some other beaver slapping their groin, in the hope that they can control themselves.
Teach: Belly. Chest.
Darron turns to James who's staring at the wall directly opposite so hard that his eyes are turning red.
Teach: Arms. Hands.
Now everyone's clapping and it transforms into a general applause of the session.
Teach: Thanks everyone, see you all on Monday.
They all take their mats up (some take other people's too.) Then they all head out. The boys are quick to get in the queue for the lift.
James: It's getting easier now isn't it?
Darren: Yeah, I'm getting much more used to her routines. It'll be a piece of winkle in a couple of weeks. Mind you, even sneezy looked more impressive than bloody Clive. What, in under a thousand words, do you see as the point of aerobics then eh? Do you not understand what you're supposed to do?
Acknowleding the abuse, Clive is first into the lift, the boys and 4 beavers pile in behind.
Now, on Progen the lifts zoom up and down as you'd expect. Gensim, of course, is trying to simulate Progen as closely as possible. However, Gensim is a long, narrow, short building as opposed to Progen which is tall and thin. So the lifts on Gensim go sideways! Just bear that in mind while you're drawing it all.
Anyway, the boys are on the outside of the inside of the lift with James on the side of the lift that everyone is forced to as the lift gets going. Everyone sways towards him a tad. Take a couple of frames to observe the lads catching the odd glimpse of tanned, firm, sweaty leg/breast etc. and then reporting back to the boys facially. Examples of expression you could try are: not bad, whooorah, oh dear (one of the beavers is bound to look a bit off), I wonder if she's been to La Alhambra? (That last one's one for the more advanced artists, you could maybe get an adult to help you with this one if your stuck.) Just as James is streaching his neck over this bird's shoulders to see the goods, the horizontal lift stops suddenly and everyone leans slightly away from James. But James is already lent that far that way that he seriously overbalances and falls right onto this girl. Both of them end up on the floor with James ontop.
James breaks the short stunned silence that follows with: Sometimes takes you by surprise dunnit?
They all giggle uncontrollably as the girls eventually get out of the lift.
Darren: West 7.
James: Do you think she noticed?
Titters.
Clive seriously: Hold it.
Laughter stops.
Clive: Oh no. We're going to have to go into an emergency landing.
James and Darren look at Clive in a puzzled way (expression for beginners that one.) The lift stops and the door opens. Nice place for a page break if poss. Clive runs to the far edge of the area outside the lift next to a sign declaring 'Emergency Congregation Area'
Darren: Oh God! (Walks out onto the landing.) Don't give up the day job eh Clive?
James: I don't get it. Clive. Darren? I don't get it.
Darren calculating: Shower, dry, quick pull over the fourth newest bird they've managed to get up the alps with her rocks off, dressed. Synchronize watches. In Clive's room in fourty five minutes.
James: Fourty.
Clive: Fifty.
Darren: Fourty. Go.
New scene Clive, Darren and James are all sat in Clive's room with some sounds on. Clive's sat on the back two legs of a chair with his feet up on the desk. James is lying down 'dead'. Well I used to think it was dead looking, but to be quite frank, it's a tad like a star. Darren is cleaning his teeth in Clive's sink. There's an empty bottle of sherry on the desk, and all of them have a mug of sherry on the go.
Darren: Burr burr blurr blur blurr bur bur bur?
James convulsing with chuckles: You chuffing what?
Darren repeats it, but this time holding his toothbrush in his teeth, and further augmenting it by shaking his arms 'n that around.
James and Clive look at eachother and laugh.
Darren spits out the discoloured toothpaste.
Darren: You boys ready then?
Clive: That poof's hardly started his QC.
Darren: Get it down yer hairy throat, so as we can hit the bar.
James: I suppose I have started weaving. Come on, power through it.
Darren puts some more toothpaste on his brush, dips it in his mug of sherry, then continues brushing his teeth. Meanwhile.
Clive: I'll tell you what makes me laugh: vegetables that grow in funny shapes. No, no. I'll tell you what makes me laugh: writing complete bollocks on those realization forms.
Darren sprays his toothpaste all over James.
Clive: I reckon next time we all get together and make out that Smellie's areoma was the thing that really tipped the balance and made us understand why all the comms stuff's wired back to front! Or even less likely, all pick on one of Andy's implausible analogies involving a cloud and a feather.
Titters all round. Darren finishes his teeth with a rinse of sherry.
Darren: Come on boys, lets D.O. it.
All three of them glug away and end up with empty mugs upside down on their heads.
They all troop onto the landing, Clive closing and locking his door.
Clive: Where's Gammy tonight? Not that I'm missing him like, it's just that most nights he's sniffing around us well before now. I'm worried that he might be up to something. Or trying to befriend some poor git.
James: I told him we'd be celebrating in the bar as soon as we could so he'll have been there since just after the end of robes.
Raucous laughter.
Clive: Corker. Who'd have thought they'd choose him?
Darren: If they're all like that I'd soon as stay here.
James (smiling in anticipation): He's not definately there yet is he?
Darren: Good as!
They all break into tears of laughter as they fall over eachother, and into the lift.
Bar scene. Some of the girlies are already sat around a table, and Zombie is also sat there with them, but he's obviously not the kingpin of the conversation. It's fairly empty. The boys pile out of the lift laughing.
James: Stop laughing boys.
Puzzled looks arife and they stop in their tracks.
James: Boys, this is really important. I think we should approach the bar.
Boys laugh.
Darren: Oh sod off James.
Clive crouches on all fours behind James. Darren pushes James over (natch.) James struggling grasps one of Darren's arms and all three end up wetting themselves on the floor of the bar.
Beryl: Evening lads.
Clive: Three pints of Nasty Beryl, and make it snappy.
Darren: And I'll have three pints of nasty too, make it snappy.
James: I'll have a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy.
I needn't point out where they break into chuckles.
Beryl thinks whilst smiling: Bless them.
Zeus comes up.
Zeus: Where the bloody hell have you been? We've had to put up with him for half an hour.
James: You should be thankful, maybe some off his immortality'll rub off on you.
Zeus: Yeah. Anyway, we've managed to get into the brewery tonight, but he's not bloody coming.
James: Ace. We'll stay down here for a sniffta, then naff off.
James and Zeus sit down on the table with the rest of them.
G 1: Dyou fall asleep then?
James: No, we got in from robes, quick shower, pull and change. Sink une bootile de Q.C. and came straight here.
G 2: I don't think we really need to know about your sex life.
James: Oh we had a great one. Clive'll tell ya.
Girlies: What?
James: Clive. Clive. CLIVE.
Clive: Alright I'm here.
James: Good Sherman?
Clive: Corker. Julie really had some moves didn't she? What about the...
James: ...the bit with the jumper.
Clive: Yeah, and the bit in the squash court.
James: I don't think Darren enjoyed it quite as much.
Quizical look from Clive toward James.
James: I rung him up soon as I'd finished. Aparently he hadn't.
Darren (arriving avec drinks): Yeah you did you bastard.
There's no more space around the table when Darren gets there.
Darren: Pint of nasty, Nasty?
Nasty: Yes please. You buying?
Darren (passing James's pint over): I got you one, that one at the bar.
Nasty: Next to that bloke. (Darren nods.) Oh cheers!
Nasty niks off with a big beam on his face, and Daz jumps straight into his grave.
Clive: You did what?
Darren: Well I think he deserves it. And I can tell all my friends that his almightyness and I were like that. That's me.
In the background there's this Bloke: Get off my pint ya geet.
Nasty: N-n-n-no, my good man. You must be mistaken. My mate just got me this one in.
Bloke: I don't care what he says, just keep your thieving mits of me beer.
Much low quality merriment suppression on our table as you see Nasty confuring with the barman, then leaving in a rage.
Zeus: I can't believe they're taking him onto Progen. He's so bloody wet.
Clive: If they're all like that, I'm glad I'm not going.
Darren: Er yeah, me too?
James: It's not sure he's going yet. No one's actually told us yet. He must be thinking it over.
Darren: He's hardly going to say 'Ooh, no thanks. I'm enjoying it so much here on Earth I couldn't bear to give it all up just to nik off round other planets.'
Titters.
James: and there's another thing, you could well still get in Clive. I'm sure the selectors have got a sense of humour: come on lads, lets pick him, give them someone to laugh at.
Clive: If they've picked all gits like Smelly, then I'd rather stay on Earth and have a week's reunion here every year for the rest of me natural.
Darren: Yeah. You really can be quite deep sometimes Clive you know that. You don't want to listen to what everyone says.
Clive: I don't know where I get it all from.
James: Written it off already then?
Clive: I only really applied for a laugh.
Zeus (looking at James): Hey, are they going to consider you now your cousin's in?
James: Shhh. Well, makes you wonder why they asked me to Gensim. But they're not going to let me on though are they...