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Liberated couple in 2000

 

My husband makes most of the money in our family, pays the bills, handles car and house maintenance, and whacks at the pricklies outside.

Inside, my life partner helps with clutter control, and might clean too, except he's too busy with all of the above, and nothing would happen anyway since he rather likes a quiet coating of dust. He reads to our six-year-old, plays with her on weekends, and would do more if he wasn't in New York or California, or late at the office.

I mostly battle with the housework, cook, run errands, work until school's out, and then take care of our daughter.

And that's how it is around here. He and I lean toward doing what we know best, so he does mostly male stuff and I do women's work. The '60s liberated us, and this is what we choose.

My husband's different from his father and most men before the Great Feminist Revolution. My enlightened man knows how to listen, how to talk about feelings, and how to argue without insult. To me, those things are more important than who brings home the dough and who bakes it.

The feminist movement seems to be in a funk these days because there are fewer bad guys, and because so many of its original goals have been (partially) met. Today's empowered women aren't hurting enough to fight for the remainder, such as equal pay and equal treatment, though we're continually forced to defend our reproductive rights.

As for men, the pressure to do it all has hit their gender as it did ours. My husband seems as overburdened as those early feminist supermoms, with his crammed days at the office, chores at home, kid care, exercise, time for me, and not enough sleep. I watch him unravel around the edges and make the case for cutting back -- at work, of course, not at home. He would, but he loves his job. And that's critical for liberated people.

I love my job too, in a home office, with flextime. But I make less money, so more chores and childcare slide onto my desk and bury the book I'm writing. That's fair, I chose home over workplace.

As the century turns, I suppose my husband and I are pretty normal. Most men are doing more housework and childcare than in the past. Most women are doing more wage-earning, and somewhat less on the homefront.

So ... are wives (and husbands) really Liberated as we enter the 21st century? Feminists would say no, not until women are truly equal to men -- same power, same pay and professional status. But I think liberation is a state of mind, and perhaps different from complete equality. If I'm free to choose and pursue my choices without overwhelming obstacles, then I'm liberated. Equal treatment along the way is another matter, and the next logical goal.

An important goal. Indeed, I want my daughters to get a better deal. Today's working women still earn only 74 cents for every man's dollar. (Women of color earn even less.) We are still mistreated on the job, devalued when we take time for kids, and continually threatened by those who want to control our bodies. Time for that to change, too.

In my husband's profession, men and women are practically interchangeable. As an education researcher and professor, many of his colleagues and bosses have been women. In his field, genders are essentially equal and so are salaries -- both men and women bring home smaller paychecks. The same is true in my profession; male and female writers are typically without major investment problems. Again, my husband and I chose.

We chose our professions and our domestic roles. He'd like to cook more dinners, but is rarely home in time. I'd like to work more hours, but that means mandatory after-school care for our youngest. We could use more income, but can manage with less. It's about choices, and we're lucky to have them.

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