The face that you keep in a jar by the door..

We all have traits that we "would" be "happier" without. They make us feel ugly. That is wrong.

However, many people are lead to think that they are not attractive, and they feel bad about themselves; they may be sucked under malodorous, unholy layers of...

cosmetic products*

...which is very disturbing. Cosmetics smell weird. They are bad for you. And, they do not even make you look better.

Let us have a demonstration. Take me, for example. Would wearing make-up make me an attractive girl?

Look away! Hideous!

Here’s an idea, though—I will wash my face and go to school anyway. Yes, facing society is difficult, being an ogre such as myself, but I think I'll manage.

Or…I guess I could try these things called “cosmetics."

I have merely applied them as directed by a girly magazine.

MMMMMMMmmmmmmmHOT!

I'm aroused, are you?

After only 10 minutes of scrubbing, you can see that the cosmetics have begun to come off. Is this not worth my time and money?

Look, I just want you to know that you are beautiful and that cosmetics are crap. I know that sometimes cosmetics are used to emphasize one’s gender-specific traits, kind of like when male camels make a froth of spit around their mouths or flick urine on their backs to seem more masculine and to attract females. Still, your time and health are precious—do not spoil them by applying cosmetic products.

* I did not mention one of the worst things about cosmetics: animal testing. It is cruel, disturbing, and unnecessary. Geez.