Once upon a time, on an ice floe far away, there lived three sand buffaloes, called Agapanthus, Moratorium and Jellicoe.

Agapanthus, whose surname was Rowsmith, was a student at the University of Thule, in Western Greenland. He was Majoring in Lobsterology and Minoring in Limpet Studies. One day, while wandering the hallowed hallways of Thule Uni, he encountered a beautiful female sand buffalo, who we know to be Moratorium, and fell madly and deeply in love. The only problem, was that Moratorium was world renowned for being a bit of alright, in fact she had already been propositioned by Jellicoe, Jellicoe's best mate Surrogacy, and a small annoying sand buffalo called Barbecue. Moratorium thought
"Oh dear, not another one. Never mind lets make the best of a bad job."
And so it came to pass that Agapanthus and Moratorium went out on a date, to a restaurant in the town of Nuuk. Throughout the entire evening, Moratorium was thinking
"God, this is such a pile of Elephant Seals!"
whereas Agapanthus simply couldn't keep his mind off Moratorium's udders.

Jellicoe was, meanwhile, having severe problems of his own. He had just been dumped by his girlfriend, Vaseline, and had his entire lychee collection stolen by another of his acquaintances. Jellicoe had a younger brother by the name of Washer-Dryer. Washer-Dryer knew that Jellicoe wouldn't mind giving Moratorium one, and was forever ridiculing him mercilessly, as little brothers do. To be honest though, Washer-Dryer really wasn't one to talk as he was continually being pursued by a huge mammoth of a sand buffalo, who went by the name of Necrophilia.

Anyway, Moratorium and Agapanthus' date ended, and Moratorium attempted to run away. Agapanthus, quick as a flash, grabbed her, in a supposed romantic gesture, and proceeded to examine the contents of her stomach with his tongue. Moratorium finally got away, and sat at home being sulky. Agapanthus skipped back to his igloo without a care in the world. He was so happy. He hadn't been this happy since he went to the 'Metropolitaine' night-club and spent the entire time making out with that lovely calf called Langoustine. Of course that time it didn't work out as Langoustine was already seeing a different sand buffalo who lived in Hudson Bay.

One day, at the start of the new term at Thule, several of the sand buffaloes were huddled round a bale of deep fried algae. Agapanthus was next to Moratorium, Moratorium was next to Surrogacy, Surrogacy was next to Jellicoe, and on the end was Washer-Dryer who really ought to have been doing something more important but couldn't be arsed. Agapanthus went off to the bog, which gave Moratorium time to flood her feelings all over the floor, making a terrible mess on the lino. Jellicoe and Surrogacy still couldn't understand what the hell was going on, so began going on about Hoofball, and whether or not Seydisfjordur United could beat Thorshavn Wanderers in the Arctic Ocean cup.

Washer-Dryer understood perfectly all Moratorium's problems but decided that, as he had recently become a Taoist, really couldn't care less as it didn't affect him in the slightest.

Agapanthus came back, at which point Moratorium decided she must venture bogward. This gave Agapanthus time to go on about how much he loved Moratorium, but wasn't sure if she felt the same. Surrogacy and Jellicoe had now moved onto discussing Spitzbergen Scandinavian Thistle and whether or not they would be relegated. Washer-Dryer still couldn't care less about anyone else but himself so just completely switched off to the world, and started mentally sing "Here comes the Sun" to himself (which was interesting because it was currently winter so it stayed dark all day).

Suddenly Washer-Dryer was brought out of his trance by a repetitive bleeping. It was his mobile phone (bought from the company named Watermelon). He had just received a text message from that damn Necrophilia! Agapanthus was still going on about his relationships, but thankfully this rather boring episode was brought to a particularly sudden end by the re-entrance of Moratorium.

The next day, Agapanthus went round to Moratorium's igloo with a large bunch of dead twigs and an extra large box of Cadbury's Krill. To his horror, as he rang the bell, he saw, through an incredibly transparent block of ice, Moratorium and Surrogacy getting it on atop a pile of seal-skins. Agapanthus was absolutely devastated, he even considered, for a brief moment, hurling himself to his death off Fjord Bridge. He changed his mind though. Being a devious little sand buffalo, Agapanthus decided he would get his revenge. But how?

Agapanthus was still completely fuming a week later, when he and Washer-Dryer decided to go out for a drink. First they went to a big pub-igloo in the middle of Thule (it had once been a supermarket but had been taken over by the chain Heifer-Cutlery), then they went to a rather bijou little bistro called "Bloody Freezing's". At this point Washer Dryer was getting really rather merry. After that they went to a brand new cocktail bar, called Tianenman Square (which was dedicated to the communist regime in China). Agapanthus sat contemplating over a glass of Coke, while Washer-Dryer tried the various concoctions on offer, including a "Brady Bunch" and a green thing called a "Blue Lambton Worm" (which was such a misnomer! It was Green for God's sake!).

Washer-Dryer by this time was completely off his head, and went off to vomit in the local sculpture park. Agapanthus felt really embarrassed so phoned for a toboggan back to Washer-Dryer's igloo. On the way back though, Washer-Dryer decided it might be nice for him to vomit all over the toboggan as well. The Husky-driver got well pissed off and chucked them out into the night.

Washer-Dryer sat on a wall and started shouting nonsense while Agapanthus phoned for yet another toboggan. Agapanthus was off in a world of his own for a moment, thinking of Moratorium and Surrogacy being together, when he realised that Washer-Dryer had shut up. This worried him immensely, so he span round in a trice, to see Washer-Dryer lying flat on his muzzle in the middle of the tundra. He gathered all his strength together and managed to get Washer-Dryer (who was considerably bigger than him) back on his feet.
"Oh bollocks"
thought Agapanthus as he saw the blood pouring from Washer-Dryer's face,
"I'm going to have to get this pillock to a hospital"

So off they both went, in an Air ambulance, to Thule General Hospital, where Washer-Dryer took it upon himself to shout at all the nurses.

After a while, Washer-Dryer was discharged and was taken, by Agapanthus, round to Jellicoe's igloo (If you remember Jellicoe was Washer-Dryer's big brother). Jellicoe was, shall we say, more than a little irate, especially as he'd had been attempting to write an essay on "The life and times of Helen off Neighbours".

Agapanthus left Jellicoe's igloo in such a mardy-arsed mood. He decided to do something really stupid…

Moratorium was at this time in the "Metropolitaine" night-club with Surrogacy. They were at it so hard that they almost got thrown out twice. Surrogacy was just about to go and buy another pint when in burst an out of control Agapanthus, who proceeded to proverbially wreck the joint. He smashed glasses, knocked over algae bales, and generally made a mess. Moratorium cowered in the corner, under a sheep-fleece, while Surrogacy made a run for it. He had almost made it out of the door when Agapanthus swung at him with a conveniently placed meat cleaver, causing Surrogacy to fall to the floor in agony. Moratorium couldn't take any more of this and slowly brought herself to her feet. Agapanthus was so shocked that Moratorium had stood up for herself, that he dropped the meat cleaver in amazement. He was rooted to the spot as Moratorium walked slowly and purposefully towards him. She stopped within an inch of his face and spat straight into his eye. She then stepped round him and left the building.

Agapanthus was speechless. He realised how stupid he had been and fell to the floor where he burst into tears.

Surrogacy had by this time managed to make a crude tourniquet from a piece of baleen, and staggered over to the crumpled form of Agapanthus. Agapanthus looked up forlornly.
"You pathetic tosser."
Surrogacy said, and turned around and left. Barbecue, who had seen everything, laughed a pathetic girly laugh and skipped away.

The next day, nobody (except for Washer-Dryer who still wasn't quite with it) would talk to Agapanthus. He sat on his own in the algae-chamber all day, even when the cricket came on the wide screen TV. Eventually the algae-maid, Jamboree came over and asked him what had happened. He explained everything to her, and she just sat and listened. By the end of it Agapanthus was crying all over her flank. Jamboree ruffled Agapanthus' fur playfully and told him to get over it. He looked up into her big brown eyes (under her even bigger brown eyebrows), and decided he might just be falling in love again.

Then, the worst case scenario came into play. Jambalaya Talcum, the University librarian exploded through the swing doors into the algae chamber.
"How dare you let my son get into such a state! I shall kill you!"
she screamed. Now Agapanthus was really confused. What he hadn't realised was that Mrs Jambalaya Talcum also happened to be Jellicoe and Washer-Dryer's mother. She gave him a good kicking and stormed off to have a coffee.

Poor little Agapanthus, it really wasn't his month. At this point Jamboree realised she was being used and poked him (with her hoof) right between his eyes. Then she did it again because she fancied Washer-Dryer.

However all was not lost. Just as Jamboree stampeded out of the algae-chamber, Agapanthus noticed a small sand buffalo with long dark hair over in the corner. This sand buffalo called Ramphorincus, told Agapanthus how they had always noticed him around and that they loved him very much. Agapanthus thought
"Wahey! I've pulled!"
without realising Ramphorincus was actually male…

In the island of Greenland, in the city of Thule, there lived a sand buffalo called Ramphorincus Dambuster. He was a student at the University of Thule, studying Aerosmithisationology and Shakespearialisation. Being a student, this meant he was sometimes away from his parents for yonks. This was a good thing for them as they often would get really, really pissed off with him as he was sooooooooo argumentative. For example, if somebody slagged off his favourite noisemakers, The Far Too Political Public Speakers, he would go off on one for hours on end.

Ramphorincus was also seriously mentally disturbed. He had a brain disease called Imobsessedwithprovingpeoplewrongitis. This meant that he always had to be right, in his own opinion.

Even though Ramphorincus was such a complete gimp, he had a large circle of friends. One of them, Sanitation Hellhole, was a seasoned alcoholic. This really annoyed Ramphorincus as he never drank anything but pure seawater (the reason being that he was in the process of proving someone wrong).

Anyway, one night he was sitting blandly in the algae chamber at Uni, idly flicking bits of the algae at Jamboree the algae-maid, when he noticed Agapanthus Rowsmith (a short, blond sand buffalo) having the living daylights kicked out of him by Jambalaya Talcum, the librarian. Ramphorincus' mind worked in ways that were simply bizarre, so he decided to go over and ask him out. Agapanthus, not quite realising what was going on, said he would think about it.

When Ramphorincus and Agapanthus went out on their first date together, Agapanthus had the shock of his life. They went to ClubBL, in Thule town centre. When they got through the door and Agapanthus realised what music was playing (The Domesticated Animal Shop Boys) he had a revelation! Ramphorincus was a bloke! (He had wondered why he didn't have much in the way of udders but didn't like to ask). Agapanthus got out his cigarette lighter and set fire to Ramphorincus (who was wearing a shellsuit). Ramphorincus screamed for ages until he realised that nobody was actually paying any attention to him whatsoever. Then he screamed again. After a few minutes, a big fat algae-maid, called Septuagesima, came over and sort of kicked Ramphorincus in a feeble attempt to put out the flames. Thankfully as shellsuits burn quickly, and sand buffalo fur is impregnated with frozen carbon dioxide, the fire burned itself out.

By this time Agapanthus had run away and was on the beach, where he thought it might be a fascinating concept to bury himself. Then he realised that he studied Lobsterology, and not Painterliness, so it wouldn't be considered artistic. He went home and ate a Pot Spaghetti (a type of freeze dried noodle, impregnated with cannabis. Sand buffaloes find their fun in any way they can).

Eventually Agapanthus got over the shame of going out with a male sand buffalo, and went to visit Sanitation Hellhole. When he got there Sanitation was playing Final Fantasy 16 on his Playstation, waiting for some workmen to come round and install a lift in his igloo (This was because he had finally got sick of arriving home pissed and not being able to climb all the stairs). Sanitation's flat also contained Washer-Dryer and Jellicoe, the two sand buffalo brothers. Jellicoe was slumped against the settee in an alcoholic haze and Washer-Dryer was attempting to send Sanitation's electricity bill through the roof by playing far too much clock patience on Sanitation's PC.

Agapanthus was disgusted by the complete filthiness of Sanitation's igloo. After a short moment pondering the coincidence of Sanitation's surname and the state of his carpets, he decided he would get out the "Poncey- Boxer" carpet sweeper and hire a skip and see if he could get the place into some semblance of order.

Eight weeks later, Agapanthus died of exhaustion…

During the eight-week cleanup attempt of Sanitation Hellhole's igloo by Agapanthus Rowsmith, there was only one brief pause. This was Surrogacy Sandwichspread's 21st birthday. It was held at his parent's home in the uncharted territory (vaguely near Kaalalyt Nunaat). Surrogacy's parents had hired a Spazbus (a type of dogsled used normally for the transportation of mongs) and came across to Thule to collect a load of students (including Surrogacy himself). The sand buffaloes who went from Thule were:

Agapanthus R. Rowsmith
Sanitation G. Hellhole
Washer-Dryer C. Arteriole
Jellicoe R. J. Arteriole
Surrogacy Sandwichspread
Moratorium S. Goldfish
Jellybaby Krill
Vanuatu S. Fibrosis
Sanitation T. Ricekrispies
Hatemail Crabapples

On arrival at Surrogacy's igloo the students were greeted at the door by the Sandwichspread family's pet wolf, Fabuloso (also known as Arab). It sniffed everyone in an intrigued manner (apart from Sanitation Hellhole, who it barked at fiercely). Everyone was then led inside to where a miniature algae-chamber had been set up in the corner of the room. The drinking began.

After sitting around for a while, Sanitation Hellhole began to get hungry and started complaining. Surrogacy knew where they could get a load of cheap food from: Goering's Kebab Shop. Surrogacy, Sanitation, Moratorium, Hatemail and Jellybaby went off for a wander.

On arrival at Goering's, Sanitation (Hellhole) was in paradise. A doner kebab a foot wide only cost 2 kronur! What a discovery this place was! After eating their kebabs etc. the flotilla of sand buffaloes returned to Surrogacy's igloo where they resumed drinking.

Eventually it was time to leave to go to the official party at the Kaalalyt Nunaat Conservative Club. Everyone got amazingly plastered and danced to shitey music. On re-arrival at Surrogacy's igloo Washer-Dryer, Sanitation (Hellhole) and Surrogacy's mate Alabama attempted to poison Agapanthus.

It began as a perfectly innocent attempt by Alabama to get rid of a revolting drink he'd made. It had a load of scummy floaters in it and looked disgusting so he offered 5 kronur to anyone brave (stupid) enough to down it in one.
This Agapanthus did.
Next, Sanitation and Washer-Dryer made a new revolting drink and Washer-Dryer offered Agapanthus 1 kronur if he would drink that as well.
This Agapanthus did.
At this point Agapanthus fell over on to a cushion and started singing along to the Backroad Blokes (a really whiny boyband). Sanitation and Washer-Dryer made yet another drink and this time so did Surrogacy.

Agapanthus took one sip from the first drink and burst into tears. He started going on about being in luuurrrve with Moratorium still (even though by this time the fact that she and Surrogacy were knobbing each other was common knowledge). Moratorium hugged him for a bit, then told him to get over it. Moratorium then went upstairs to hang out with Surrogacy's brother, Dispraxia. At this point Jellicoe came downstairs and stood around gormlessly.

In Agapanthus' mind, now seemed like as good a time as any to have a wrestling match. He leapt up from the heap of cushions on which he had been lying and hooked himself onto Jellicoe's shoulders. Sanitation (Hellhole. Ricekrispies had gone to bed with Vanuatu by now) kicked Agapanthus and he fell to the floor. Sanitation began to piss himself with laughter while Jellicoe had some more fermented apples.

Washer-Dryer was the only one that noticed that Agapanthus had vanished. He was discovered in the garden of the Sandwichspread family igloo attempting to mount Fabuloso.

Eventually foolish Agapanthus came back inside and sat down in the space that Sanitation had decided was his bed. Sanitation kept telling Agapanthus to bugger off out of the way but he wouldn't (or more to the point couldn't) move. Hatemail picked him up and hurled him onto a settee, where he slept for the rest of the night.

In the morning Washer-Dryer awoke to the sound of Sanitation (H) shouting. Agapanthus had fallen asleep on him and wouldn't go away.
Washer-Dryer fell back to sleep.
He woke again a few minutes later. Sanitation was shouting at him this time. Evidently Washer-Dryer had moved his arm and twatted Sanitation in the eye.
Washer-Dryer fell back to sleep.
He was woken up again by Agapanthus shuffling about under the coffee table. For some reason he was attempting to climb inside a plastic bag.
Washer-Dryer fell back to sleep again.
He woke up of natural causes later on, only to discover that he couldn't find his jeans. Agapanthus was wearing them. Don't ask.

When the sand buffaloes were all organised (including Sanitation Ricekrispies, who had had an asthma attack and a nosebleed) they all ate a big meal (cooked by Mr Sandwichspread) and got back on the Spazbus ready to return to Thule.

On the way almost everyone fell asleep (apart from the driver obviously). They were awoken when they stopped at McDonkey's. Everyone zoomed off to the bogs, then came back and ate loads of junk food. Sanitation Hellhole had 5 burgers AND a Jolly Meal (He wanted to get a free Smurf). Then he kept complaining that he felt sick.

After a magnificently terrible rendition of Moravian Rhapsody by the back row of the Spazbus, the entire group of students erupted into a crescendo of sheep noises. Then came the mong impressions out of the back window. Then everyone started writing 'Ffo Kcuf' in backwards on the windows to offend people (of course there was also the obligatory Spazbus Willy, drawn by Sanitation Hellhole. You know the sort. The meat and two veg with about 3 pubes per ball).

On arrival Sanitation was disgusted to discover that his parents had driven down to pick him up (being a third year it meant he had to have an interview at Nova Zemlya University so he could go there when his course at Thule finished). This meant he couldn't go out on the piss again.

Agapanthus meanwhile resumed the cleanup operation of Sanitation's igloo. The lift to replace the stairs still hadn't arrived…

Since the return from the Sandwichspread family home and since the eight-week cleanup of Sanitation Hellhole's igloo, something came to light. Agapanthus Rowsmith had been laid out on the mortuary table at Thule and District General Hospital ready for an autopsy. At the moment of the first incision there was a loud scream and Agapanthus pyoinged up from where he lay. It turned out he was actually just asleep.

To celebrate the non-death of Agapanthus some of the Thule alumni decided to take a trip to Thorshavn for the day. The ones involved were Necrophilia, Jellicoe, Washer-Dryer, Sanitation Hellhole, Moratorium and Surrogacy, Jellybaby and Dyspraxia, and of course Agapanthus himself. They all had a great laugh and bought loads of stuff they really didn't need at all (including a pair of tartan bondage trousers by Washer-Dryer). On the way back Agapanthus almost missed the sled because he had gone off to the Co-op.

Some of the foolish sand buffaloes, not realising they that they had practically no money left between them, on return to Thule decided to go and visit Sanitation H's sister Leprosy, at her home in Seydisfjordur (which they could combine with a trip to Rock Night at the Constipation nightclub). This time only five sand buffaloes went. They were Necrophilia, Jellicoe, Washer-Dryer (who now had blue fur) Sanitation and Agapanthus.

They all went shopping with Sanitation's sister and Sanitation himself bought a solid silver armoured hoof ornament for 75 kronur (to make Surrogacy jealous when they got back to Thule).

They all pretty much enjoyed themselves at the Constipation apart from one or two relatively minor hitches (one being when Necrophilia fell asleep on a chair and someone chucked beer over her, another when Jellicoe got lost and nobody could find him. Apparently he had been sitting outside for ages attempting to pull one of the locals).

Everyone slept soundly that night apart from Jellicoe who fell asleep across Leprosy's landing (he was a bit pissed really).

In the morning (actually it was the afternoon but never mind) the sand buffaloes went shopping again at Murderhole shopping igloo. Once again they all bought junk that they, to be honest, didn't really need. At about five o' clock Jellicoe was ceremoniously placed on a ferry and sent back to Thule. The remainder of the group returned to Leprosy's igloo and after going to the pub (The Workroom) they all sat around and ate kebabs with Leprosy's mate Dingdong (a student of Brainproddery at Seydisfjordur University).

The next morning (which for a change actually was in the morning) Leprosy had to go to university (Seydisfjordur, studying Healthiness) so the others went off to the town centre and did yet more shopping. They then got on the ferry to go home.

When the ferry arrived at Stavanger (where they had to get off one ferry and get on another) they decided to hang around for a bit (and yes, you've guessed it, do more shopping). They went to Stavanger Cathedral and looked around that for a while, and then found a conveniently placed algae-chamber (The Angry Locks) where they had some dinner. They also (amazingly) imbibed some alcoholic beverages and sat around for ages. In doing so they very nearly missed their ferry back to Thule.

Back home they and some of the sand buffaloes that hadn't been to Seydisfjordur got together and went to the Metropolitaine for the night. Beforehand Necrophilia also went to 'The Shangalanga' (named after the famous playwright Washer Shangalanga) with Sexonlegs and Sexonlegs' boyfriend Sanitation Lamppost, and by the time she arrived at the nightclub was completely off her head. She snogged many people…(including Jellicoe Bananarama, who had somewhat bizarrely, also snogged Washer-Dryer and Agapanthus, and that night added Sanitation Lamppost to his list. Jellicoe Bananarama was a bit weird you see. He was also completely obsessed with the singer Mappamundi).

By the time the night ended everyone was very tired and went home to sleep (although in the case of Moratorium and Surrogacy it is fairly unlikely that any sleeping actually went on…).

The day after the return from Seydisfjordur, Sanitation Hellhole and Washer-Dryer went down to the beach to further Sanitation's knowledge of Lobsterology. He needed to collect examples of transsexual dog whelks and measure their knobs. Apparently there was a valid reason for this.

Anyway, Sanitation kept getting very angry with Washer-Dryer because he kept picking up (which with hooves is no mean feat) dog whelks which were either too small or not even dog whelks anyway (being a student of Painterliness, Washer-Dryer was basically just crap). They got enough eventually and went to an algae chamber (!).

By the end of the week, everyone was very bored (especially Jellicoe and Washer-Dryer, who had both been to a funeral in Tallinn). Sanitation Hellhole was due to go and visit his parents in Nova Zemlya so invited some other sand buffaloes along. The ones who could both afford to go AND weren't busy, were Necrophilia (whose birthday it was on the Sunday), Surrogacy and Moratorium, Washer-Dryer, and of course Sanitation himself.

They went on the ferry, and on arrival at the main port of Nova Zemlya changed onto the Nova Zemlya Metro (a sort of tram thing) to get to Sanitation's parents' house (which was in the middle of a forest). Ecky-ecky-fkang greeted them at the door excitedly.

On the first night (Thursday night) they sat around on Leprosy Hellhole's floor and played The Naughty Forfeit Game (don't ask). On the Friday they went to a secluded logging port with a really crappy beach. Sanitation spent 60 kronur on comics. Sad. While there they all went to an algae chamber. Surrogacy ate sausages. Afterwards they went to some more algae chambers. Shock Horror!

On the Saturday they all went to a ginormous shopping centre (not dissimilar to Murderhole in Seydisfjordur). Sanitation and Washer-Dryer were both in really bizarre moods and kept running away and losing the other three. They were eventually found in Big Lambtonworm's, an all-you-can-eat Spam restaurant (which is bizarre considering sand buffaloes are officially herbivorous).

On Necrophilia's birthday, Mr and Mrs Hellhole cooked 18 tons of jellyfish for the Thulers, as a special treat. Then they went back to Thule (and went to PizzaIgloo and ate shitloads more). They were all very tired and nearly skint. Washer-Dryer and Necrophilia went back to Necrophilia's igloo (to discover that Sanitation Lamppost had smashed Sexonlegs' bedroom door). Amazingkins (actually just called Amazing but what the hell) came round and they drank alcohol, painted their hooves, and watched dire films until 3 o clock in the morning. This was a silly idea especially as Necrophilia had a lecture at 9 the next morning.

Monday night comprised a trip to the Metropolitaine. The less said about that the better.

Sanitation was at this point still in Nova Zemlya……

Agapanthus Ramphorincus Rowsmith:
A small blond sand buffalo. He lived in the town of Nuuk. A student of Lobsterology with Limpet Studies at the University of Thule, Agapanthus would repeatedly get the shit kicked out of him for various reasons, and eventually died of exhaustion after attempting to tidy his best mate Sanitation Hellhole's igloo.

Sanitation Gastronomy Hellhole:
An alcoholic sand buffalo, also a student of Lobsterology. He lives in absolute squalor at the top of an incredibly long flight of stairs and is obsessed with playing the Playstation game Final Fantasy 16. His best mate Agapanthus died while attempting to clean up some of the filth. At his parent's home on the island of Nova Zemlya he has a pet wolf called Ecky-ecky-fkang.

Washer-Dryer Camel Arteriole:
The brother of Jellicoe, this sand buffalo currently studies Painterliness at Thule Uni. He, like almost all the students at Thule, drinks far too much for his own good. His parents live in Muckle Flugga and have a pet mountain lion called Wildebeest.

Jellicoe Rubicund Jaarjaarbinks Arteriole:
The older of the Arteriole brothers, this sand buffalo studies Shakespearialisation. He drinks shitloads of fermented apples. He used to have an extensive collection of lychees, but they were all stolen by a large musk ox called Sorority Gibbon.

Jambalaya Extraterrestrial Talcum:
The mother of the Arteriole brothers (she remarried), Jambalaya works in the University library. During her youth Jambalaya worked in a diamond mine in the South Pacific. She has been married three times: Firstly to Pineapple Hampsterdance Worrybead Beegee, secondly to Jaarjaarbinks Asymmetrical Arteriole (the father of Washer-Dryer and Jellicoe) and most recently to Jellicoe Potato Talcum.

Ramphorincus Jellicoe Dambuster:
He is in his first year at Thule Uni, also studying Shakespearialisation. He can be a particularly difficult sod and always has to prove people wrong (it's a genuine brain affliction). He has very long fur and during term time lives in the igloos of residence.

Surrogacy Sandwichspread:
A student of Shakespearialisation, Surrogacy is famous in Thule for putting it about a bit. Agapanthus Rowsmith in the "Metropolitaine" Nightclub once attacked him with a meat cleaver. Washer-Dryer thinks he talks like Gazumping Madagascar off the TV programme "Royal Occasion Road". His parents, who live on a glacier in uncharted territory, own a big horse.

Moratorium Solstice Goldfish:
Yet another student of Shakespearialisation, only this time female, Moratorium is fancied by, among others, Surrogacy, Jellicoe, and, before he died Agapanthus. She is from the town of Stavanger in Norway, although she currently resides in an igloo with even more stairs than Sanitation's in Thule.

Barbecue Hysterectomy:
Small and with a strangely disturbing voice, Barbecue is on the same Painterliness course as Washer-Dryer. He is incredibly wealthy and owns a sixteen thousand-acre estate in the Yukon Territory. He also fancies Moratorium.

Langoustine Patacake-Patacake:
Out of term time this female sand buffalo lives in Hudson Bay where she Hudson Bay. During term time however, she lives in the igloos of residence at Thule. She has in the past, got off with Jellicoe, Washer-Dryer and the late Agapanthus. She was also propositioned by Barbecue but she turned him down. She works in the hotel adjoining Tianenman Square cocktail bar, called Bastardisation's.

Necrophilia Mystic Onanism:
A big lass, Necrophilia, pursues Washer-Dryer endlessly. In fact, it is rumored that they "did things" one night in Banana's nightclub. Washer-Dryer was so plastered he can't even remember going there, and nobody has asked Necrophilia yet. The rumors may be a slanderous lie started by Sanitation Hellhole as a joke. Necrophilia is best friends with an algae-maid called Sexonlegs, and studies Aerosmithery at Thule.

Jamboree Jimjams:
A Shakespearialisation student and the algae-maid at the University algae-chamber. Jamboree fancies Washer-Dryer a bit. She is also completely obsessed with the musical "Ghosty bloke of the Theatre" written by Ampersand Leaf-Weirdo. She has particularly bushy eyebrows.

Colostomy Jaarjaarbinks Myopia:
Now this one is just scary! Colostomy has a completely pointless obsession with a science fiction programme created in the sixties. He actually thinks it is completely real and is all going to happen. He sometimes (only sometimes) can be seen near Sanitation Hellhole.

Moronic Rosebush (usually known as Arse):
This sand buffalo is really egotistical. He is a big fan of the genre of music known as Black Plastic and loves the band Wclub5. He is immensely unpopular with the rest of the Thule Uni students.

Jellybaby Krill:
A small, religious, ginger-haired sand buffalo. She may or may not fancy Surrogacy Sandwichspread (and his brother). It depends what day you ask her on. She has a fixation with attempting to choke on coins.

Leprosy Hungerfordmassacre:
A weedy sand buffalo; Leprosy goes into Internet chatrooms and pretends to be a lesbian. He studies Spare-Time-Pursuits at Thule.

Vanuatu Stromeferry Fibrosis:
A female sand-buffalo, Vanuatu is studying Lyingonthefloor at Thule uni. She is going out with Sanitation Ricekrispies and lives in an igloo opposite Jellicoe Arteriole.

Sanitation Toenail Ricekrispies:
This tall and emaciated-looking sand buffalo is going out with Vanuatu. He is a student of Shakespearialisation, also at Thule.

Dispraxia Sandwichspread:
Dispraxia is Surrogacy's little brother. It is suspected that he fancies Jellybaby and possibly that they did 'things' on the night of Surrogacy's 21st birthday.

Hatemail Crabapples:
A female sand buffalo who isn't ginger she's strawberry blond; Hatemail is a Shakespearialisation student and went to Surrogacy's party.

Septuagesima MalinBridge:
An algae-maid at ClubBL, Septuagesima was at Muckle Flugga School with Washer-Dryer. She is a fat bitch.

Banana's:
A nightclub in Thule named after Ruler Haggis VIII's second wife, Anal Banana. The students of Thule Uni only go here as a last resort, if everywhere else is shut.

Bastardisation's (formerly The Middle Hotel):
A hotel on the end of a terrace of early 19th century igloos, Langoustine Patacake-Patacake works here as a waitress.

Tianenman Square:
A cocktail bar dedicated to the communist regime in China; it adjoins Bastardisation's.

ClubBL (formerly Tintin's):
ClubBL is a seedy nightclub that used to be very popular with the students of Thule. Then the prices went up.

The Metropolitaine:
This nightclub is themed as a Parisian tube station. Student Night on Monday's is perennially popular. It was once joined to Ruler's nightclub by a set of stairs (now removed) when Ruler's was still called The Conduit.

Ruler's (formerly The Big Mess, formerly The Conduit):
Much crapper than it used to be; Ruler's is never frequented by anyone under the age of eighty and even has a dress code. It was much better when it was The Conduit (Its incarnation as The Big Mess was just dire).

The God-King Rambunctious (formerly a supermarket):
This enormous algae-chamber was once a supermarket until the chain of Heifer-Cutlery bought it and transformed it. Sexonlegs Reality (a student of Boringness) is an algae-maid here.

Contemplation's:
This is Thule University's own private algae-chamber. Jamboree Jimjams works here. It is named after the famous writer Irritation Contemplation and is usually very busy. It sells pizza at lunchtime.

The Pagoda Catacombs:
Very dodgy indeed! This is one of Thule's surprisingly high number of really crap algae-chambers. It sometimes has live bands.

The Gare du Montparnasse:
This tiny algae-chamber is built into a retaining wall near the Fjord that goes under Fjord Bridge. The people who named it thought it would be amusing to name it after a rail disaster in Paris where a train shot through a retaining wall at a major terminus. Their logic was that, as the train made a hole in the wall, and the premises are little more than a hole in a wall, people would look at the sign and say "Ooh! Hilarious!". However, they don't.

Bloody Freezing's:
An algae-chamber. So called because they can't afford radiators, anyway they'd melt the walls. It is in an igloo after all.

Oracle Leisure:
This place is a particularly massive entertainment palace, where sand buffalo students go to spend their hard-earned grant cheques. It is right by the beach at the bottom of the McPod Steps. It has lots of electronic gaming machines in it (but, unfortunately for Sanitation Hellhole, no Final Fantasy 16).

Permanently's:
This is a small trading post built on the edge of the glacier that reaches into the Fjord. Lambada Mixamatosis (a female Shakespearialisation student) works on the counter here. It sells everything you could possibly imagine and does a particularly exquisite line in pies.

Thule University (formerly the Western Greenland college of Education):
Promoted to university status in the 1990s, Thule offers a varied range of courses, all of them very easy to get a place on (which goes some way towards explaining the freakiness of the students).

Yadayada's Wine Igloo:
This algae-chamber is one of a nationwide chain originating from Tunguska, where, incidentally, Jambalaya Talcum went to university. Apparently the chain used to be very seedy but has now gone quite up-market. They do a wide range of food as well as alcohol.

The Trawler Park:
This algae-chamber once employed Washer-Dryer when he was only 13 years old. It is on the seafront in Muckle Flugga. The Trawler Park was for a while owned by the travelling entertainer Jellicoe Increment Fastidious (some of his stage names include Ffestiniog "Sparkle" Dangermouse and Professor Filonian-Freak).

Hideous Fashion Statement's (formerly The Northwest Territory):
In its former role as The Northwest Territory, this algae-chamber used to be frequented by Jellicoe Arteriole, when he was still at Love Lane College of Painterliness, Anal-Retention and Shakespearialisation. He doesn't go there any more. It is now a theme pub based on a 1920s opera house (the 1920s currently being considered fashionable). The algae-maids dress up as Flapper Calves.

The Cost That Belongs To Us:
One of a national chain of music shops; the students of Thule go here a lot. It sells many things by many different bands, including Los Escarabajos, Germolene and the Artificial Valves, The Dryer Moronics Band, and even Wclub5.

The Kaalalyt Nunaat Conservative Club:
This was the location for Surrogacy Sandwichspread's 21st birthday. It is near the uncharted territory where he lives.

Goering's Kebab Shop:
On the very edge of the uncharted territory, Goering's sells kebabs so cheap that, when he went there, Sanitation Hellhole could not believe his eyes.

Los Escarabajos:
This is Washer-Dryer's favourite band ever. They split up in 1970 and their former lead singer Jellicoe Lobotomy was shot in the back in 1980 outside his igloo on Kodiak Island.

Germolene and the Artificial Valves:
Another band who were popular in the sixties. They often come to Thule during the summer and play gigs at the Phantasmagoria Theatre on the seafront.

The Dryer Moronics Band:
Actually they really shouldn't be on this list as nobody in Thule other than Barbecue ever listens to them (although Washer Dryer received a CD of them as a birthday present from his Dad. His dad currently lives in Buenos Aires and has no taste whatsoever).

Wclub5:
This band is the favourite of Arse. They play Black Plastic music. According to the Daily Arab, Wclub5 were responsible for some shootings in a school in Ulan Bator.

Mambala:
This band is Jellicoe Arteriole and Sanitation Hellhole's favourite band. They play Heavy Plastic music. Jellicoe, Sanitation and Agapanthus went to The Grand Day Out (a concert) in Kristiansand and Agapanthus got completely covered with filth in a moshpit.

The Far Too Political Public Speakers:
This band is so boring. They read the Guardian. They are Ramphorincus Dambuster's favourite. They used to be relatively good until their lead singer fell into a fjord and the rest of the band opened their own private lard factory.

Wispasmith:
The lead singer of this band is called Sustenance Turnip and has a mouth wider than the Yukon Estuary.

Broken Lift:
This cheesy band sings crap songs with crap dancing inspired by the 1970s band, Mining Disaster. They are subjected to much ridicule in Thule. One of the females from this band was refused access to the bar in Oracle Leisure when they played a gig there. The bouncers didn't believe she was actually 25 years old and very famous.

Gazumping Glitterati:
Until recently Gazumping Glitterati was quite popular among the older generations in Thule. Then the police discovered his vast collection of under-age Porn…

Tagliatelle Journeying:
An old sand buffalo; he was considered to be sexy by many female sand buffaloes during the sixties. They would throw items of their underwear at him. Presumably he had a display cabinet at his house that needed filling up.

The Backroad Blokes:
A boyband. Nuff Said.