When most people go to college they get degrees in things like History and English and Engineering. I went to college, took a bunch of classes, and wound up with a degree in Wooing. This was not my choice; I just fell into it. I would have preferred Computer Science.

Anyway, now I have considerable theoretical knowledge in the Art of Wooing and really have no inclination to put any of it to use. One might say that it's like working in a candy store: when it's so easy you don't want it anymore. That person would be wrong. It's more my growing disdain for the opposite gender that makes me not want to use my skills.

The nice thing about having them is that by doing the opposite of what I know I should do, I can keep them at arm's length at least. After all, would you date me? No. See, plan worked.

How to Seduce Women

• poetry I know it makes no sense, but women love getting poems. I'm not talking about "roses are red" poems, but nineteenth century romantic poems. Some women prefer you select a good one, thinking that this shows how well read you are and how much thought you put into finding the right one just for her. Others prefer you write one, no matter how bad, because of its devotion to them. The safest thing is to find some literary person you trust and, with help, find something obscure. When she asks whether or not you wrote it, refuse to say. This, oddly enough, will make you "mysterious," and more desirable. Later on you can admit to either writing it or finding it, depending on what she wants to hear. This makes a good segue into the next point.
• lie Women don't want the truth; they want you to tell them fairy tales. Use the lie to your advantage, for it is your greatest tool.
• flowers and candy Women love crap like flowers and candy. The only snag is that not all women like both. For example, if she's allergic to chocolate, the chocolate would
  1. have the potential to irritate her.
  2. show how little you know her.
  (neither of which are good). Even flowers don't work all the time: once I met a woman who was part Native American and hated when people gave her flowers because, as she stated, she could hear them screaming. I could say you should do some research and find out which she likes, but that would suggest you're interested in her personality and finding out more about her --which is, of course, untrue. The best course of action is to hold off on the candy/flowers; don't use them for early encounters.
• shut up Don't talk much. This serves two purposes:
  1. You are pretending to be interested in whatever it is they're saying (as long as you don't yawn and look away).
  2. You are allowing them to make you in their image. Women, as mentioned earlier, don't want the truth; they want a fairy tale. Being silent and "brooding" or "contemplative" makes you emotionally deep, which lets them write their fairy tale around you.
• compliments Tell them they're beautiful. Tell them they're thin. As I heard a television character say once "pick a feature and add water." ("Your eyes are the color of the mountain sky reflected off a quiet pond," "When you move your head like that your hair cascades over your shoulders like a stream over the still-unmelted snow in springtime") Women today also like to hear that they're intelligent and independent, but remember to keep these traits subordinate to beauty. If you walk up to a woman and say "You look intelligent today" you will never find out what color underwear she has on.

How to Seduce Men

• be naked Rip off all your clothes. Men are pigs and love nudity, which is why Hugh Heffner lives in a mansion in Bel Air. Being naked will give you sex appeal, which is all that's important to men. You must do this with care, however. Some fool women's magazine decided to tell women to greet men naked at the door, which led to women treating paperboys and postmen to a little extra tip. Never listen to womens' magazines: their goal is to make you dependent on them and the products that they advertize
• not slutty This may sound like it contradicts the last item, but you must make it clear that you do not do this all the time, that it is only his awesome masculinity that affects you this way. You must make it clear that you simply lose control in his presence, which will excuse your behavior and make him feel good about himself at the same time (which transitions us to the next point).
• compliments Tell them they're smart, much smarter than you. Tell them how strong they are. Failure to stroke a man's fragile ego is the leading cause of women spending Saturday night wondering why he hasn't called yet (Anderson 21, Women Now Nov 1999).
• be drunk/helpless Men hate women who can do things for themselves, which is why women have worse jobs and lower salaries. Being helpless makes men feel powerful, which they like, and you will be appealing if you pretend to give them power over you. Don't worry, you'll be able to manipulate them once they depend on you, so you'll still have control (after you're in the bedroom you can get him to stand on his head and sing "Stars and Stripes Forever" if he thinks it will get him somewhere --which is especially amusing if he's not American so I recommend it heartily). Needless to say, for this to succeed it must only be an act; if you're truly drunk you risk passing out too early.
• talk dirty Tell them how much you need them, how all you thought about all day was how hot they make you. For some reason men love the idea that they can turn a woman into a drooling sex beast, so the more drool the better. This angle has two caveats:
  1. Don't talk dirty to religious guys. They will do bad things to you.
  2. Don't talk filthy. Tell them you want them, but don't be graphic. Not all guys like to hear about the condition of body parts and what you plan to do with said parts.
• be a man If a man resists these attempts, he's probably gay. Should you find yourself seducing a gay man, insist your name is George and you know a really good surgeon.

DISCLAIMER:
Lesson 36 is not about building lasting, meaningful relationships.

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