Die Monkey Boy, Die!

Thief: The Dark Project is one of the best games ever made. I was playing its sequel (Thief II: The Metal Age) and I realized that the best enemies in the game are monkeys. Many missions --especially on "expert difficulty" have irritating objectives like "don't kill anyone." This, however, never applies to monkey boys. I've played both games through and have never seen "Don't kill the monkey boy" as a mission objective. The best part is that the monkey boys are loquacious, so killing them by my favorite method of bopping them on the head and dumping them in water is worthwhile. It wasn't until I played Thief II that I realized the value of monkey boys, since I hadn't been allowed to kill humans for quite some time.

This started me thinking about how great monkeys are, and so I honor them here with my tribute to digital monkey boys and me killing them.

This monkey boy is getting uppity. Look at him kicking my ass. He'll pay for this outrage as I counter his Anxious Ape with my Drunken Monkey. Oop-Eek-Ack!

See.

Cowed and dejected, the monkey boy accepts his fate against my mastery of kung fu. Fear Purificator, the Drunken Boxer!

Guard that passage monkey boys! Guard it well! Scratch yourself and sniff the air, for Purificator lurks in the shadows. Like most people in the "Thief" games, monkey boys don't notice when you douse all the torches with water arrows. Nighty-night monkey boy.

This is a "before" picture of a monkey boy. Note his poor posture. I can tell from his grumbling that he's unhappy guarding that pile of bones on the right, so I'll relieve him.

This is an "after" picture of a monkey boy. Note that his poor posture has lead to an uncomfortable sleeping position. I just noticed that monkey boys have bright, shiny butts.

Whose blood is that?

Toting monkey boys around is hard work, but it's important to clean up after yourself. I can't tell you how many times my mother has yelled at me for leaving my monkey boys lying around.

Wow, those monkey boys really pile up!

This is a "Where's Waldo?" thing. How many monkey boys can you find in the water? Maybe we'll have to go in for a closer look later and see.

Monkey boys love water. I like to put them in the water and hear them sing. They have many lively songs that cheer up the dreariest mission. These monkey boys sang me an old monkey boy folk tune:

Yaaaarrh!
Damn your eye!
Curse you!
Yaaaarrh!

Someone should record songs like that for the historical society before the monkey boys are all extinct.

These monkey boys need a lifeguard! I can swim, but they're not so good at it. Here we are playing "Marco-Polo." You can tell I'm "Polo" because I have my eyes open.

Ooh, more monkeys!

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