Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a log of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

 A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians, and they all attacked at one time. He killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things." Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks. "I learned how to hang a door," Johnny replies. Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?" "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up." Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!" Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today." "All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door." "Why don't you tell me," Dad asks. "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up". Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard." Johnny looks at his dad and says, "screw you, that's the electrician's job!"

Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex. "What are you doing?" Johnny asks. "Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother. "What's daddy doing?" "He's my partner, now run along." A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend. "What are you doing?" "Ummm, dancing." "What's your boyfriend doing?" "He's my partner, now get out of here!" Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat. "What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks. "Why I'm dancing." said his grandfather. "Well, where is your partner?" His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't need a partner."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny,"cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extreamlly bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same froom as his teacher. In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frigtened by the sight of alex standing right over her. He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep. She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay. Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button...and she said "NO". "But my mommy lets me do it when i can't sleep and it helps." So the teacher says " okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do." and a few minutes later the teacher says "OH...thats not my bellybutton." And Johhny says, "thats not my finger."

 There is a teacher teaching sex ed to a bunch of 5th graders. She walks to the chalk board and raws a huge penis on the board! She truns to the class and simply asked the class, "Class, does and one know what that is?" The class sits silently for a second or two than little johnny stands from the back! He yells, "I know what that is! It's a PENIS! I know cause my dad's got two!" "The small one he pee's from, the big one he brushs the babysitters teeth with!"

 Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ...." The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me." The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaked the husband. "Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me." "Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."

LITTLE JOHHNY XVI A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Little Johnny: "Yes." The salesman: "Well, can I see him please?" Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower." The Salesman asked if his mother was at home. Little Johnny: "Yes." The Salesman: "Well can I see her?" Little Johnny: "No, she's in the shower too.." The Salesman: "Do you think they will be out soon?" Little Johnny: "No." The salesman asked why. Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue instead."

LITTLE JOHHNY XVII So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says. Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy, what`s that?" Mommy, seeing the huge penis, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that`s nothing. Never mind. Come along now." A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephant's penis and says, "Daddy, what`s that?" Dad replies, "Didn`t your mother tell you?" "Yes, she told me it was nothing." "Well, That´s true. That´s nothing for your mother."

 A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" The first little girl answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or purple and pink." A second little boy answers, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher says, "Sorry,Timmy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK", says Johnny, "then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants!"

One day, a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up, to look over, and there was little Johnny, sitting on the toilet playing with himself. The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage. Little Johnny agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. About a week later, the priest ran into Johnny at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem. Jimmy replied, "Great father! I've saved a whole quart!"

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

 One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, At Christmas you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you want, don't you?" "Yes," replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas." His mother said, "Yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask him." Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter: Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike. Your Friend, Johnny He thought about this and decided to start a new letter. Dear Jesus, Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike. He thought about this and decided to write another letter. Dear Jesus, I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike. He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one either. He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked up the statue and hurried home. He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter. Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike! Your Friend, Johnny

 Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.  

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!" Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi- syllable word?" Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a hand-job."

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

Lil' Johnnys Mother had been away a week at a N.O.W. convention and when she returned home, she was anxious to hear about his week. "Well, one night we had a thunderstorm, and I was scared, so Daddy and me slept together," her son said. "Johnny!" said the boy's French Au Pair, "Don't you mean 'Daddy and I'?" "No!" replied Bobby. "That was Thursday, I'm talking about Monday night."

The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked out his act. Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause... Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience. Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says... "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said "yes". The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" Johnny snickered, and said, "No, he is in the shower." Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "yes." The salesman said,"well can I see her?" Johnny snickered again and said, "no, she's in the shower too." The salesman then asked, "do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said "no." The salesman asked why. "Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue."

Little Johnnie had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do? The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnnie what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests." Two days before Christmas, Johnnie's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage. Christmas morning, Little Johnnie woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnnie walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her class.The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

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