THE SECOND LITTLE JOHNNY JOKE PAGE

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

Early one morning a mother went to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"Buy why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

The boss of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?"

"Yes.", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No.".

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he is busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now startled.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The searching team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me."

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. She told the class, "I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely, ignored him and picked Jenny, who promptly answered, "An apple."

The teacher answered, "No Jenny, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny was hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skipped him again and called on Billy.

"Is it a peach?"

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now, Johnny was about to explode as he waved his hand frantically. The teacher skipped him again and called on Sally.

"A banana," she said.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny was kind of irritated now, so he spoke up loudly. Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cried. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answered Johnny. "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math. His parents tried everything . . . tutors, flash cards, special learning centers . . . In short, everything they could think of to improve Tommy's grades.

As a last ditch effort, the enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic school. After Tommy's first day at the new school, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked straight to his room and started studying. Books and paper were soon spread out all over the room with Tommy hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down for dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word and started hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand what was making the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He placed it quietly on the table and walked directly to his room to hit the books again.

With great curiosity, Tommy's mom opened the report card, and to her delight, little Tommy got an A+ in math! She had to know why the Catholic school was so different, so she went to Tommy's room.

"So, what was it? Was it the nuns?" she asked. Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head "No."

"Was it the books . . . the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it??" she asked. Little Tommy looked at her and finally answered.

"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Richie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

Little Johnny was watching his father shower. He asked him about his balls. "Those are my apples," he said.
Johnny ran to his mother and told her what Daddy said.
His mother asked, "Did Daddy tell you about the dead limb they're hanging on, too?"

Little Johnny and Susie Smith are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

So without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay than how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month. That should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette.
He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."
Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.
The guy says, "How old are you?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"
Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."
The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

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