MISCELLANEOUS JOKES
Two friends were discussing having sex with their wives.
The first man says "Me and my wife sometimes do it doggy style. How about you?"
The second man replies "Well, not exactly. We do it trick-doggy style."
"Is that kinky then?"
"Well, not really. You see I start it by sitting up like a dog and begging for sex. Then my wife rolls over and plays dead!"
Life
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time, and what do you get at the end of it? Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, and get it out of the way. Then you should live in an old age home. They could kick you out when you get too young. You should get a gold watch, then go to work. You could work for forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
Then, you could do drugs, alcohol, and party as you get ready for high school. After that, you could go to grade school, become a kid, play and have no responsibilities.
Finally, you could become a little baby, go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating, then you finish off as an orgasm.
Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
Randy awoke one morning with a pain in his crotch. He looked in the mirror and his dick was all swollen and red.
Randy immediatley went to the doctors office, but the doctor said he would have to cut it off. Well, Randy didn't want to do that at all, so he went to another doctor for a second opinion.
Unfortunatley for Randy, he was told the same thing from the other doctor.
Randy is very stubborn so he tried another doctor and got the same remedy, so he tried another doctor,and another doctor, and so on.... Poor Randy got the same result from every doctor he went to.
The next day Randy heard about a new Oriental doctor in town who practiced ancient chinese medicine, that could cure illnesses that other doctors couldn't.
Randy went to see the new doctor the next day, and was taken back to the examination room as soon as he got there. While Randy waited in the exam room an old white haired chinese man came in and told Randy to drop his pants. Randy removed his pants and showed the old man his ill member. The old man grabbed it and squezzed it real hard, almost making Randy faint from the pain, then the old doctor shoved a needle through it, and poored some sort of brown liquid all over his balls. The doctor wasn't finished yet, he closed his eyes and chanted very quietly for a few minutes, pulled the needle out an said "I am finished". Randy then asked with relief, "Is that all, you don't need to cut it off?". The old doctor replied,"No, just go home and get some rest, stay off your feet, watch some tv, and in a few days it will fall off by itself."
When the body was made, all parts wanted to be boss. The Brain said, "Since I control evnerything and to all the thinking, I should be boss." The Feet said, "Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the Brain wants, I should be boss." The Hands said, "Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be boss." The Eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, I should be boss."
And so it went with the Heart, the Lungs, and finally the Asshole spoke upand demanded that it be boss. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the Asshole being boss. The Asshole was so enraged that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and aching, the Feet too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at the sides and the Heart and Lungs struggled feebly to keep going. All pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the Asshole be boss and so it came about. All the other parts did all the work and the Asshole just bossed and passed a lot of gas and shit.
The Moral: "You Don't Have to be a Brain to be Boss; Just an Asshole!"
A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis in the car door. He goes to the doctor who says, "We're going to have to put a splint on that."
The guy says, "No way, doc, I'm getting married in a week."
The doc replies, "Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life."
Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out a couple of tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up.
... A week later, and he's on his honeymoon ...
His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says, "See these? They've never been touched by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says, "See this? It's never been seen by a man before."
So the husband whips off his shorts and says, "See this? It's not even out of the crate yet!"
One day the seven dwarfs were coming home after a hard days work. As they approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from the garden. Their curiousity aroused, they stand on each others shoulders until finally one of them can see over the garden wall.
The dwarf at the top, sees Snow White and the prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf who`s shoulder he is standing on, "Snow White is with the Prince"
This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.
Then the dwarf at the top says:
"They`re Kissing"
Again the chain starts:
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re ......."
"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off............"
"They`re both nude now"
“They`re both nude now"
"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both........."
"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to.........."
At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall, and so she gets up to investigate.
The dwarf at the top sees this and says:
"She`s Coming"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6 foot beautiful blond woman walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.
Blond: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Blond: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me."
The blond lays down and lets the man have his way with her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.
Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Huge Man: "You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist...
New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...."
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
3 Kinds of Sex:
House Sex: When you're newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.
Bedroom Sex: After you've been married for a while, you just have sex in the bedroom.
Hall Sex: After you've been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say "Fuck You!"
"WOMAN CLIPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBAND'S
PENIS, THEN THROWS IT FROM MOVING CAR"
DON'T LAUGH, IT'S TRUE AND IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!
Right now, thousands of agitated women have read that headline and are contemplating taking action AGAINST YOU the next time you make an unwated sexual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just piss them off in general . . . (not to mention PMS and "that time of the month").
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Burford sits down in the dentist’s chair.
The dentist says “I have to drill.”
Burford says “Go ahead, Doc.”
The dentist says “But you’re holding my testicles.”
Burford says, “I know. And we’re not going to hurt each other are we?”
Joe was moderately successful in his career of choice, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
He was, of course, both shocked and depressed. He indeed wondered if he even had anything to live for at this point. Yet, he immediately decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different person.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "I'll buy a new suit. Maybe that will cheer me up."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck."
Joe was once again surprised, "That's exactly right. How did you know?"
"It's my job," said the salesman, very matter of factly. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... nine and a half ... wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right .... How did you know?"
"It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "So, how about a new hat?"
Without hesitation, Joe said, "Sure ...."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see ... 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous. "That's right. Man, how can you tell all of this?"
"It's my job," reiterated the salesman.
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe hesitated for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "No, you can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinky fingers and say "HI there little boy!!" One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinky fingers...she replies "well...that is what size we imagine your penis to be...it is just a joke!" The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says "HI THERE LADIES!
Two Irish fags: John Fitz Patrick, and Patrick Fitz John. Patrick Fitzsimon and Somin Fitzpatrick An Irishman was in the South of France, and could not understand why Pierre had
attracted all the girls at the beach and he pulled nothing. So he asked Piere, Why do you get all the girls and I get nothing. Piere said take a potatoe, tuck it in your swimming costume, it
drives the women wild. So the Irishman stuffed a potatoe in his costume and paraded up and the beach. Many hours later, still no woman. So the Irishman went to see Piere again
and said "I've tried it, it doesn't work". Piere looked at the Irishman and said "Have you tried putting the potatoe in the front".
"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?"
"Ah, said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer limey Thompson comes feeling my balls, I'II blow his bloody fingers off!"
What are the best ten years of a Pakistanis life?
Third standard.
How can you identify an Sardarji pirate?
He's the one with patches over both eyes.
What's the difference between a woman who comes out of church and a woman who comes out of the bath?
The woman who comes out of the church comes out with a soul full of hope........
WHAT DO YOU CALL A PIMPLE A PAKISTANIS BUTT?
A. A BRAIN TUMOR.
This guy named Jim walks into restroom and goes over to the urinal and starts peeing and as he is peeing he sees this REALLY short, ugly guy with lots of warts and stuff who's like 4'5
beside him peeing.
"man your short" comments Jim.
"I'm a leprechaun," responds the other guy.
"Yeeeeah right,"says jim.
"I truly am!!!" insists the leprechaun.
Jim shakes his head in disgust and continues peeing.
"I swear im a leprechaun! Hey i'll even give you three wishes to proove it man!"
Jim thinking he has nothing to lose agrees.
"okay I first wish I had a bright red ferarri with leather seats," wishes Jim.
"Done,"says the leprechaun snapping his fingers, "as soon as you get home the car will be waiting in your driveway"
"cool..."remarks Jim. "okay for my second wish i want my house to be a whole block long and be the best house in the whole world and i want to have the most gorgeous
wife" he greedily wishes.
the leprechaun snaps his fingers again and says, "when you get home your wish will be fufilled"
so they're both still peeing and the leprechaun says "hurry up i dont have all day!"
Jim thinks with all his might but he just cant think of his third wish! Finally he looks down at the leprechaun and says "WOW you've got a BIG dick!!! For my third wish i want to have a
big dick like you!"
"I cant do that"says the leprechaun.
"come on.. you said you could do anything!"whines Jim.
"well...."
"oh please??"
"I can do it on one condition..." begins the leprechaun.
"sure sure name it!" excitedly says Jim.
"if you agree to f*@k me up the ass.." suggests the leprechaun.
"EWWWW EWWW THAT'S DISGUSTING!!! NO WAY!" says Jim!
"i'll make it even BIGGER" tempts the leprechaun.
So after much convincing Jim agrees to do it. So they go into a little stall and do their thang.....after they finish Jim comments, "I cant believe you have such a BIG DICK!"
and in response the leprechaun says.... "I cant believe you actually thought i was a leprechaun!"
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to
OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the
Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so
I've come for some courage." "No problem" says the Wizard
"WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"
The Tale Of Nurse Jenny... "
"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards."
said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2
milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He nearly died on us!" The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear
a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first
doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Not long ago at the North Pole, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there
were problems everywhere. Four of his elves had gotten sick, and the
trainee elves were just not producing the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was
beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa
out even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and were out
who-knows-where. More Stress. Then, when he began to load the sleigh one
of the boards cracked and a toy bag fell to the ground, scattering toys everywhere.
Santa was so frustrated that he went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of
whisky. When he got to the cupboard, he found that the elves had hidden the liquor,
and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the
coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom but found that mice had eaten the straw it was
made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the
door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where do you want me to stick this tree, Santa?"
And that, friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree
There are 3 blondes on an island, one of which finds an old lamp. She picks it up and rubs it, and this genie appears. " I will grant each one of you one wish only." The first blonde says " I want to be Intelligent." So the genie turns her into a brunette and she swims to the mainland. "I want to be really intelligent" said the second blonde. Suddenly she turns into a redhead,builds a raft and sails to the mainland. The third blonde says "I want to be really, really intelligent" . So the genie turns her into a bloke and she walks over the bridge !
Two brothers, one was an incurable pessimist and the other, an incurable optimist. On Christmas Day, the pessimist was given a roomful of shiny new toys and the optimist, a roomful of horse shit. The pessimist opened the door to his roomful of toys, sighed and lamented, " A lot of these toys are motor driven and their batteries will run down; and I suppose I'll have to show them to my cousins, who will break some and steal others; and their paint will chip; and they will wear out. All in all, I really wish you hadn't given me this roomful of toys!" The optimist opened the door to his roomful of horse shit and, with a whoop of glee, threw himself into the muck and began burrowing about in it. When his horrified parents extricated him from the excrement and asked him why on earth he was thrashing about in it, he joyfully cried, "with all this horse shit, there's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the
ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare
into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and
shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a
piece of my mind." "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me
hold your monkey."
The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House
window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine.
Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found.
Later that day the FBI agents return. "Well sir," says the first
agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's".
The President goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?" "Well
no sir," says the agent, It's the First Lady's handwriting."
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes
over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the
woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the
closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's
dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but
complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when
she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in
the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get
your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to
hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the
church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for
forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws
the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here now," says the priest.
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the
students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy
stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing
in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand.
"If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone
involved... that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Clinton.
"That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the
other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here
who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, a boy in the back raises
his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and
Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would
be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident,
and it certainly would be no great loss!"
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud
hiss-pop! noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!" "Wait a minute!" says the man taking
the tour, "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide.
"It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
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