MISCELLANEOUS JOKES PAGE2
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are... The English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this
planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer... The Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week
and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive... The Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wife told me that she'd booked herself a two week
holiday in Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis...
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
GOOD, BAD, and WORSE
Good: Your hubby & you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Worse: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Worse: You're in them Good: Your wife bought you a porn movie Bad: It's over five years old Worse: Your daughter's the star Good: Your son's interested in school Bad: He has to do extra credit to pass Worse: Making a sex ed video Good: Your son is finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Worse: So are you Good: You give the "Birds & Bees" talk to your kids Bad: They keep interrupting... Worse: With corrections ! Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Worse: She's a lawyer (a GOOD one) Good: Your wife sez you can go hunting all you want Bad: Because she's leaving you Worse: For another woman Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing camies and has an AK-47 Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas last year Good: Hot outdoor sex Bad: You're arrested Worse: By your spouse Good: The teacher likes your son Bad: Sexually Worse: They're both gay Good: You came home for a quickie Bad: The postman had the same idea Worse: There's a line, waiting Good: You finally get a nite out Bad: You're seen going into a strip show by a gossip Worse: Your daughter's the headliner Good: Your husband's exercising and dieting Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes Worse: He knows how to coordinate better Good: Your child's waiting for "Mr Right" Bad: Your son, that is Worse: He's received answers to his gay personals ad Good: Your neighbors exercise in the nude Bad: They weigh 375 pounds Worse: They catch you looking, and smile Good: Your wife loves outdoor sex Bad: You live downtown Worse: Neither of you drive Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude Bad: She's coming home Worse: From her weekly Woman's Club meeting Good: Your wife's kinky Bad: With the neighbors Worse: ALL of them
SIGNS YOU HAVE A DRINK PROBLEM
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth!
Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
You've fallen and you can't get up.
When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack....
Bartender! Get me another Bar!
The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering
WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN CUCUMBERS
You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides.
Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow moldy if you leave them in the fridge for a month.
Beer is always in season.
Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles on the person you're looking at, if you drink enough of it.
Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.
THE CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN BEER
Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.
Cucumbers have fewer calories.
Your spouse won't complain about you sitting around all day watching TV and eating cucumbers.
You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
Your spouse won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).
You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.
A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.
You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.
You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.
WAYS THAT EMAIL IS BETTER THAN SEX
If you have sex, your having sex with all the people they had had sex with....and all the people they had sex with.....If you have email there's usually a list of everyone that's HAD that email....
Email only gets turned off if you decide to turn it off.
You can do email for hours.....without tiring....
WIth email, IT's not the SIZE of the e-mail that counts....
Email has more letters in it than sex.
If you add an "F" to email its female....if you add an "F" to sex its fsex....
There's no female involved in e-"male".
Email doesn't get mad at you if you press all the right buttons...
Three words.....More Function Keys....
You never have to go to a fancy restaurant with some asshole to get "the best email" of your life....
Email doesn't care if you spend quality time with it...
NO ONE NIGHT STANDS....email's always so good you come back for more....
You can do email without undressing.....
The words "Popserver" gets you horny....
You don't have to wrap "gopher" in electrical tape to have a good time
NO WHIPS OR CHAINS REQUIRED! NET PROVIDED!
You can always say....."was that email good for you...because it was for me...." without being embarassed.
Typing sound of the computer much more attractive than "ride me like a pagan beast, cowboy!".
Never have to worry about the jealous husband...
If your email wants to leave you because "It needs more space...", HEY LOOK! There's a "SPACE" Key!!!!!
There's never a lack of good email....Plenty to go around!
Alcohol doesn't make the email any easier! Just funnier!
No runs! no drips! no errors!
26. You can get rid of email really easily, and not feel the least bit guilty.
Just because you email somebody often, they don't ask for a commitment
WHY SLEEP IS BETTER THAN SEX
You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.
No one will start rumors about how much you sleep.
You won't complain in the morning about not getting any.
You don't have to pay for sleep.
You don't need to sleep after sleeping.
Sleep can last a good eight hours.
You can sleep in church.
While sleeping, you can have sex with anyone you want.
Your teddy bear never complains.
It's legal to sleep in any position all around the world.
WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX
You can GET chocolate.
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate in front of your grandma.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
I think it said connect the brown wire to the negative terminal.
Just throw me that meat cleaver, would you?
Pick up those 32 empty lager cans, you lout!
No, darling! I'm sure they drive on the left over here in France.
Happy Ides of March, Brutus.
Actually, there's a knack to opening these supersonic aeroplane windows.
You sure this firework's dead?
I rather fancy this cheese with the green mould on it.
You will take a cheque, won't you cabbie?
Come outside and say that, Tyson.
Patchy fog? On this road! Don't make me la...
Fancy a quick snifter before we leave Saudi?
Of coursh I'm frit to dive.
Who's a nice sweet cooch-woochy little lion, then?
It says: Achtung! Minefield. That's German for 'Welcome to Munich' isn't it?
We'll be safe enough on this motorway if we just follow that travelling salesman's Sierra.
See a doctor? Just for a ruptured aorta and a couple of dozen black suppurating pustules?!
That's strange; you don't usually see many American planes over this part of Hiroshima, do you?
Whoops! Did I spill your scotch, McTavish?
These nuclear plants look lovely when they begin to glow like that, don't they?
Good Lord! It's not often a black cat causes you to break a mirror by crossing your path while you're walking under a ladder on Friday 13th, is it?
Humpty Dumpty may sound like the name of a plonker, but I know a safe wall when I see one.
The trick with a charging rhino is to stand perfectly still.
Two front berths on the Titanic please.
It's OK; the gay guy with the boils just lent me his hypodermic needle.
Give this juggernaut driver the 'V' sign while we're overtaking him, would you, darling?
Well, here we are on the world's largesd hydrogen airship: this call for a cigarette.
Coo-er! Wait until I tell the missus I crashed in to a car with a MAF-1 number plate!
Pass me a hanky; I'm going to wipe the foam off that dog's mouth.
So, this is Beirut.
The Misdirected Vacation E-Mail An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis. "The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver said, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."
Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM". When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors,trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew."Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered.The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?""Nope.""Why not?"The man snorted, "What for? I've been married to your sister for 35 years.
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Once upon a time Cinderella was sitting on her porch . just weeping and sobbing when suddenly a Magic Fairy came by and asked her why she was crying. She told the Fairy that she was always . forced to work on the pumpkin farm and there .' ' fore never found any time to meet guys and never got laid. Upon hearing this, the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand and pointed it at the pumpkin and turned it into the most beautiful dildo a girl can dream of. However, she warned her that she can only use this dildo until midnight and not to dare try it longer than that. Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention to the warning and started to have fun with the dildo totally loosing track of time. When the Fairy came back the next day, she realized that Cinderella was still crying except only harder and louder. She immediately went down to her and asked her how yesterday went and Cinderella said it went really well until Midnight. So what are you crying about the Fairy asked? , Because you never told me that this thing would turn back into a pumpkin after midnight!
DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION (Pakistanis)
Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name:
[_] Khan [_] Mohammad Khan
[_] Ali [_]Mohammad Ali
[_] Baig [_] Mohammad Baig
[_] Wasim [_] Mohammad Wasim
: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest standard completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed
Model and year of your car: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen crossed the LOC
___ Number of times you've crossed the LOC in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A _ How many?
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
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