MISCELLANEOUS PAGE-3
Man goes into a bank and up to the cashier's desk.
"Nice tits love, I want to open a FUCKING checking account," the man snarls.
"I beg your pardon, sir?", the startled female teller replies.
"Listen, you dumb bitch, I said I want to open a FUCKING checking account."
"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't help you if you're going to talk like that."
She leaves the window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear.
The two return and the manager asks, stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no GODDAMN problem!" the man insists. "I just won ten million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a FUCKING checking account!"
"I see sir," the manager quickly replies, "and this cunt's giving you a hard time, is she?"
Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons.
Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."
A New Yorker decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "themed party -come as a human emotion."
On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy." The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two Pakistani guys, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you look like? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend has come in despair."
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
Two vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a cup of blood. The second one orders a warm glass of water.
The first one asks,"How come you didn't order a cup of blood?"
The second one pulls out a used tampoon and says, "I'm having tea!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."
Deductive Reasoning
Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Man: "So what is you do for a living?"
Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Man: "That is right."
Neighbor: "The fact you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Man: "Right again."
Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Man: "Correct."
Neighbor: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Man: "Yup."
Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Man: "Cool."
Later that same day...
Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Man: "Fag."
It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.
"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
The waiter replies: "I don't know about the other guys but I use the spoon"
Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad.
The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, "Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"
The Queen and Princess Di were driving down the road in their Range Rover when they were stopped and accosted by a modern day highway man.
"Hand over all your cash", he demanded of the Queen.
"My dear man" replied the Queen, "I am the Queen of all England, and therefore do not need to carry any money."
"OK, OK" he said, turning to Princess Di. "In that case you can hand over all of your jewels".
"I have no need for Jewels" she boasted, "for I am the most beautiful woman in England".
By this time the highway man was getting a bit pissed off. "Right then" he said. "Get out of the car and I'll take that instead".
And shortly he was driving off into the sunset. Left sitting on the grass verge, Princess Di turned to the Queen and asked, "Where on earth did you hide all that money you were carrying?"
"I stuffed it up my snatch laughed the Queen. "But what about you. Where did you manage to stash all your jewels."
"I stuffed them up my snatch as well", tittered Di.
"It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us" mused the Queen. "We might have been able to save the Range Rover".
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there is a bright flash and...... both his legs fall off.
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."
The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.
As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."
The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" The applicant answered, "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn.
Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator.
In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.
The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, "What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?"
The artist replied, "It's simple. Custer's Last Thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
An American Indian Chief calls his three sons into his tepee. He announces that he has decided on names for them all as they are all coming of age and have passed the required tests. The Chief sits his sons down with the elders of the tribe and passes the peace pipe around.
'Son number one - you shall be known as......'
Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?'
The chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.'
The chief continues, 'Son number one - you shall be known as Eagle'
Son number one asks why.
'As you will be strong and precise in battle - fearing no others - the elders agree.'
The peace pipe is passed to son number two.
Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?'
Chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.'
The chief continues, 'Son number Two - you shall be known as Swallow.'
Son number two asks why.
Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?'
The chief replies, 'I will come to in turn my son.'
The chief continues talking to son number two. 'Because you will be swift and silent - surprising your enemy in battle - the elders agree.'
The chief turns to the third son. 'Son number Three - you shall be known as Thrush.'
Son number three asks, 'Why Thrush?'
'Because my son you are an irritating cunt - the elders agree'.
A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavour ice cream in the world."
"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in.
"So you say you have every flavour ice cream in the world?"
"No problem sir."
The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick. Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!"
The assistant replies, "Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!"
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he waks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"
An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carraiges and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
And the Irishman was thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again."
One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot seven and built like a fucking tank. He has a huge red beard and despite the gale force wind and freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and his tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion....... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate"
"but......" stammers the driver
"Now...or I'll bloody kill you"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
"Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!"
"but....." says the driver.
"Now...." he bellows.
So the driver does it again.
"Right do it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again" says the highlander.
"I just can't any more - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "All right" he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness".
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.
"No you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"
A folk musician dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. The angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.
He queries the first candidate, "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession?"
"I made $150,000 as an attorney," comes the reply.
"You may enter," says the angel.
Second candidate, same question.
"I made $95,000, I was a Realtor."
He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the musician's turn.
"My annual salary was $8,000."
"Cool!" replies the angel, "and what instrument did you play?"
A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait'll I switch this finger to his mouth."
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.
So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.
They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "Fuck the women."
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in.
Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Three Canadian guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.
The Newfie says, "I'm a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
With a blink of the genie's eye, the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so that nothing will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around Quebec.
The Albertan asks, "I'm curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Albertan says, "Fill it up with water."
There was a man that really had to take a shit, so he goes into a nearby bar and asks the bartender where the bathrooms are.
The bartender says, "Go upstairs and it is the 2nd door on the right."
So the man goes upstairs and can't find the bathrooms anywhere. He looked in every door there was.
He really really had to take a shit by that time, so he sees a hole in the floor and he decides to take a crap in it. So he goes ahead and does his business.
After he has relieved himself, he goes back downstairs and noticed there is nobody in the bar. He asks the bartender, "Where did everybody go?"
The bartender replied, "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"
I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help.
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet in Saddam's Palace for a round of talks in a new peace process.
When Bill Clinton sits down he notices that on the arm of Saddam's armchair there three buttons. They begin talking, and five minutes into the discussion Saddam presses the first button and a boxing glove springs out from no-where and punches Bill in the face.
Saddam finds this very amusing and begins to chuckle. Mr Clinton ignores this in a hope to find peace.
Five minutes later Saddam presses the second button, which causes a boot to come out from under the table and kick Clinton in the shin.
At this point Saddam is in fits of laugher nearly falling out of his seat. Clinton is a tad pissed off but says to himself, "What the hell, if we can make peace then it will all be worthwhile."
They continue their discussions and not five minutes later Saddam presses the third button which causes a boot to come out from under the table and repeatedly kick Clinton in the bollocks. (Thats balls to North Americans)
Clinton turns round to Saddam, who has finally fallen from his chair and is rolling around the floor in fits of laughter, and Clinton says, "I've had enough of this I'm going back to Washington. We'll talk about this in a couple of weeks," and he storms out of the palace.
Two weeks later Saddam has come to the White House to finish off the talks. When he sits down he notices that there are three similar buttons on Bill Clinton's chair to the one he has.
Saddam thinks to himself, "Clinton is obviously looking for revenge since he visited my palace, but I'm prepared."
They begin talking and Bill Clinton presses the first button. Saddam ducks expecting to be hit and Clinton bursts into laughter, but nothing happens to Saddam. A few seconds pass and the talk restarts, then Clinton presses the second button. Saddam jumps out of his chair to dodge any oncoming attack and Clinton starts laughing again, but still nothing happens to Saddam.
Saddam sits back down, and as soon as he's sitting, Clinton presses the third button. Saddam dives to the floor, Clinton is laughing hysterically, but still nothing happens.
Saddam decides that he had enough of this game and says "Fuck this, I'm going back to Baghdad."
Through tears of laughter Clinton says, "What Baghdad?"
A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.
"A bit airy, isn't it?" remarked the American.
Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, "'Ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"
A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks to himself, "Uh oh. What happened last night?"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown. Again he thinks, "What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild party," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."
Mujo (the main character in all Bosnian jokes) comes to the wild west, and tired from his trip, goes to a saloon to have a beer. As soon as he gets in, he sees everybody else leaving in a hurry. He leans on counter and asks the bartender, "What's happening?"
"Don't you know? The black rider will be here in a few minutes."
Mujo asks, "Who the fuck is the black rider?"
The bartender replies, "I can't believe you don't know. He's the most dangerous guy I've ever seen. You better get lost before he gets here, or god knows what he will do if he finds you here. I'm just about to leave myself"
Mujo thinks, "Fuck the black rider. I'll stay here and have my beer in peace, and when he comes, I'll show him." So there's Mujo all alone in the bar drinking his beer, everybody's gone already, so the whole place is a bit creepy. All of the sudden he hears some steps outside of the saloon, the door opens, and a 6 ft 5" tall man comes in, all dressed in black, black hat, black shirt, black cowboy boots. Mujo can feel his knees tremble - the black rider is here!
The man leans on the counter and says, "Hey, you!"
Mujo stammers, "Wwwhhho mmme?"
"Yes you, come over here" the man demands.
Mujo comes. "Yes, sir, how can I help you sir?" His voice is shaking, and he can barely stand.
The man says, "Blow me."
Mujo thinks, what else can he do -- that's the black rider he's talking to and he can kill him any second, so he starts doing the job .
The man starts moaning.
Muko asks, "Is everything OK sir?"
The man replies, "Yes, it's OK. But just hurry up a bit, the black rider will be here any minute, and than we're both dead."
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Cripes," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable.
But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell, the Falcons must have won the Super Bowl!"
The Queen is visiting a hospital and asks the first soldier, "And what are you in here for, soldier?"
To which he replies, "Venereal disease."
"Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?" "A wire brush and antiseptic."
"Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"
"To get out of here and serve my country."
"Well done, soldier," says the Queen and moves on to the next bed. "And what are you in here for, soldier?"
To which he replies, "Hemorrhoids."
Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"
"A wire brush and antiseptic."
"Well done, soldier" says the Queen and moves on to the next bed. "And what are you in here for, soldier?"
To which he replies "Strep throat."
"Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"
"A wire brush and antiseptic."
"Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"
"To get to the wire brush before those other two bastards!"
Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one smells something foul. He turns to the other. "Hey man," he says, "did you shit yourself?"
"Yeah," says the second drunk.
"Well, get out of here! Why don't you go clean yourself up?"
"I ain't through yet."
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out -- caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose. (Something Congress came up with!) The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.00.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man. "From the tip of my penis to my balls."
The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your balls?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."
Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place.
"You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!"
Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go," he says.
"Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks, "Do you have any toilet paper?"
It's a troubled day in heaven.
God summons St.Peter and said, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high profile candidates waiting at the gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I'm going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You'll have to go and decide who is most suitable".
St. Peter goes down to the pearly gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Di waiting for him. He says, "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason for admission into heaven."
Freddie says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better."
Gianni says, "I was earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions - long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better."
Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "Ok, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!" Freddie and Gianni are mortified. "What's going on here??
We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't!!!"
St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day."
One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling, "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him.
"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything."
"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help."
"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.
"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face."
These two guys were making their way across the desert when their camel ran out of water. Without the camel they knew they would never make it out of the desert alive.
They looked around and discovered that they were only a few hundred yards from an oasis but also discovered that they had nothing to carry water in.
So they decided to drag the camel to the water. By the time they got him there, the camel was much too weak to drink. The only solution they could come up with was one would have to hold the camels head in the water and the other would have to suck on it's ass. Neither wanted the job of ass-sucking so they flipped a coin to see who would suck on the camels ass to fill him with water. After the toss the winner positioned the camels head and the other took his position at the rear.
After a few minutes the one at the rear raises his head up, spits and said, "Hey, you've got his head in to deep, all I'm getting is mud!"
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the door.
It's opened by a little four year old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whisky in the other and a hard core porn magazine under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello sonny. Is your mum or dad in?"
Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said, "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year."
"Okay," they said and left.
The next year, one of the two guys came into the trader's store and said, "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah," said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him," said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."