MY JOKES COLLECTION ON THE VARIOUS RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD.

DON'T PROCEED IF YOU ARE HIGHLY RELIGIOUS AND CAN'T EVEN TAKE A SNIPE AT YOUR RELIGION IN THE RIGHT SPIRIT. THESE PAGES ARE NOT MEANT TO OFFEND ANYBODY AND SHOULD BE VIEWED ONLY TO GET A COUPLE OF GOOD LAUGHS

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo.

The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and ravished her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.

The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said, "We shall never talk about this, agreed?" The other young nun consented.

Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friends, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her friend, "I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one question."

The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!"

The first nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt?"

"Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called..., he never phoned..., he never sent flowers...!"

A priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream.

The priest says, "How'd you like to fuck that?"

To which the lawyer replied, "Out of what?"

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."

Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free.

On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side.

The first nun says to the mother superior who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross."

So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "Fuck off!"

A very religious guy called John finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into church and begins to pray...........

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

John goes back to church.....................

"God, please let me win the lottery. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and John still has no luck!!

Back to church..................

"God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car, and now my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order???"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and John is confronted by the voice of GOD himself.

"JOHN, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A FUCKING TICKET."

The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the bathroom badly. He called in one of the alter boys and asked him to fill-in for a minute. The priest gave him a list of sins & penance. Just match them up.

The first women confessed to giving the neighbor a blowjob and anal sex. These weren't on the list, so the alter boy asked another alter boy, "What does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?"

"He usually gives me a bag of chips and a soda."

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

Devil: "We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell."

Man: "That's not so bad, whatcha got?"

Devil: "Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity."

Man: "OK."

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

Man: "Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next."

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

Man: "That looks worse, got anything left."

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

Man: "Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one."

Devil: "Are you sure this is the one you want."

Man: "Absolutely!"

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

The Queen of England and the Pope are guests of honour at the Annual England vs Ireland Soccer Match.

Both are getting right into the feel of things and the Queen leans over to the Pope and says, "I bet I can make all the English People in the crowd cheer wildly with a simple hand gesture."

The Pope looks at her disbelievingly, so the Queen does her famous wave and all the English people in the crowd cheer wildly as one.

The Pope leans over and says to the Queen, "That was nothing...I bet I can make all of the Irish People in the crowd party wildy for a week with just the nod of my head."

The Queens says, "Well that is totally unbelievable - let's see."

A split second later the Pope Head butts her......

A plane flying over the North Sea is in trouble and likely to ditch. There are six passengers on board, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Priest, and three children. But there are only three life jackets.

The Doctor says, "Save the children!!," waving the life jackets.

Making a grab for the jackets, the Lawyer shouts, "Fuck the children!!" and the Priest enquires, "Is there time...?"

A woman had been dating a doctor for a short while when she became pregnant. The couple didn't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest went into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor told the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asked the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he said.

So the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation he went in to the priest and said, "Father, you're not going to believe this!"

"What?" asked the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child!"

"But that's impossible!" cried the priest.

"I just did the operation," insisted the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and one day the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. So he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son said, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replied, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Four teenage Catholic girls die simultaneously in a car crash and arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks girl 1, "Have you ever touched a penis?"

"Yes, father," girl one replies, "I once touched a man's penis with the very tip of my finger."

"Swish that offending finger in holy water," St. Peter instructed, "Say a prayer begging forgiveness, and cross over into the promised land."

Girl 2 says, "Yes, father, I once touched a man's penis with my whole hand."

St. Peter instructed this second offending girl to douse her entire hand in holy water, say two prayers begging mercy, and proceed to heaven.

As girl 3 approached, girl 4 shoved her aside. "Father," she shouted, "if you expect me to gargle with that crap AFTER she dunks her ass in there, you've got another thing coming!"

A nun and a priest are crossing the desert on a camel when the camel collapses and dies. They try giving it artificial respiration, they try pounding on its heart, but the camel is as dead as a doornail.

The nun says to the priest, "Father, we are for certain going to die. Will you please do me one favor? I have never seen what a man has between his legs. Would you please show it to me?"

The priest sees no reason to not grant this one simple request, so he starts to open up his pants to show the nun his manhood. Of course, by the time he gets the thing out, he's got this incredible hard-on that pops its head up high and proud.

The nun is in awe. She says, "My God, father, what's that?"

The priest says, "This, my child, is what gives life."

The nun says, "Well, then, why don't you shove it up that camel's ass so we can get the fuck out of here?"

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I've led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this."

Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: "What's the problem, you look depressed?"

Guy: "Well, what do you think? I'm in hell."

Counselor: "Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want, and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?"

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?"

Guy: "Well in my younger days I experimented a little; never inhaled."

Counselor: "You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry aboutoverdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?"

Guy: "Yes, I love to gamble."

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?"

Guy: "Well, no I'm not."

Counselor: "Oh," he grimaces, "You're gonna hate Fridays....."

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Paul up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold.

Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Paul. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Paul replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to.

There is only one thing that I don't understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes"!!!!!

A very pushy and ambitious salesman is trying to get the salesman of the year award. So he goes to the Vatican and shoulders his way in to see the pope.

"Your holiness, I represent the brewing federation. We would like to offer you a million dollars to change the lords prayer to give us our daily beer."

"Offering money to change the lords prayer indeed! Be off with you!" replies the pope.

" Okay then two million" retorts the salesman.

"How dare you suggest we change the words of our lord, get this man out of my sight" shouted the pope beckoning to the guards.

"As my final offer, three million dollars" shouts the salesman as he is dragged out the door.

The pope then turns to the cardinal and says, " When does our contract with the bakery expire?"

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said,

"Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own fucking blanket!"

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American.

When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear...

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here."

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing! I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.

The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry, Father, but that's what the fish is called -- a Sonofabitch."

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big Sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand! That's what the fish is called and I caught it. I caught this Sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm, you know I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the head Mother.

Bishop: "Could you cook this Sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Head Mother: "My lord, what langauge!"

Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called, a Sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it."

Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook that Sonofabitch tonight."

That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the Sonofabitch." Bishop: "And I cleaned the Sonofabitch." Head Mother: "And I cooked the Sonofabitch."

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright!"

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it. Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage.

He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age.

After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation.

They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly. "Why the jelly?" she asks him.

"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.

"Well, why don't you just spit on your dick like the monks did?"

Jesus goes into the Hilton hotel, walks up to the desk, throws three nails on the counter and says to the girl, "Hey do you think you can put me up for the night?"

Jesus is preaching to a mob which is about to stone a women accused of being a prostitute.

He says to the group, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

This ancient looking woman hobbles up and with what seems like her last ounce of strength, picks up a large rock, raises it over her head and just bashes the hell out of the prostitute.

Jesus turns to the old woman and says, "Sometimes you really piss me off, mom."

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary Elizabeth turns with a big smile on her face and says, "Mine does..."

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable.

Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help. "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade," said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel.'"

There once was a computer contractor who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. She believed in knowledge transfer and never kept information from others. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation.

One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a contractor make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the contractor.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose which one you want to spend eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven."

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the contractor in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and the contractor found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow contractors that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice bloke (kind-of-cute) and she had a great time telling bawdy jokes and dancing. The contractor was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So the contractor spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The contractor paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the contractor went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the contractor, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a contractor, but today you're a permanent."

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