COMPUTER JOKES PAGE02
9. Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.
8. You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college.
7. You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to render obscene pictures of upper management people.
6. Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.
5. The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.
4. The last time you kissed someone was in high school.
3. "What? No raise? No Backups, then!"
2. You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix File System.
And the number one sign you might be a Sysadmin...
1. You have ever uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants."
9.It is still possible to fix a sandwich and something to drink while waiting for Start Up.
8.When you peel off the label on the CD, there's Window'95 label under it.
7.To open Netscape : Press ctrl d, alt 4, tab, tab, spell Nebraska backwards and press enter, enter your gender, compose a 500-word essay....
6.Entering "Department of Justice" into Organization Field during setup will crash system
5.New app monitors Bill Gates's wealth for you to see
4.Mix-up in shipping department sends a dog named "Bowser" with every copy
3.A $1 off coupon for Mrs Smith's cream pie with Bill's home address on back
2.Includes sample bugs from upcoming Windows 2000 !
1.Surgeon General has put a warning on Solitaire that repeated use may be habit forming.
Worf: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
Picard: On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
Picard: Data, what's wrong here?
Data: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
Picard: Make it so.
[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]
Picard: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
Data: Aye, sir.
[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
Worf: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
Picard: Shields up!
Data: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
Picard: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.
Data: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
Laforge: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
Data: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.
[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
Picard: Shields...
[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]
Picard: Up, Data!
Data: Aye, sir.
Riker: All decks, damage report!
Worf: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
Data: Shields are now up, captain.
Picard: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
Worf: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
Picard: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
Data: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
Picard: Well, damn it, install the right one.
Data: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
Picard: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
Riker: I left them with Geordi.
Laforge: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!
Picard: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
Data: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
Picard: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
Data: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
Picard: Abort!
Data: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
Picard: Well, fail, then!
Data: Current nose is no longer valid.
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
Laforge: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
Picard: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
Riker: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
Picard: What's going on?
Laforge: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
Picard: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.
[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
Ferengi: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh ?
A) Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c).
You'll notice immediately that
* "98" is a higher number than "95,"
* a better than 3 percent increase.
But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course).
Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.
Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed permanently.
Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.
However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a
16 bit patch to an
8 bit operating system originally coded for a
4 bit microprocessor, written by a
2 bit company, that can't stand
1 bit of competition.
you believe Unix/Linux is the most superior operating system out there.
you e-mail yourself notes rather than writing them...
...and you can justify the advantages of doing so.
...or you actually reply to the note.
you can program in more languages than you can speak.
you refer to your computer as a friend.
you can talk to your computer without being sarcastic or raising your voice.
you talk to your computer the way most people talk to their significant other.
you use old CD-ROMs as coasters...
...and you've collected a matching set for every room in your house.
with the exception of the blood-sucking part, you have the same basic characteristics as a vampire.
(7 out of 12 isn't bad)
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from laughing when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something stupid, huh?"
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk.'"
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Damn! How can you see my screen from there?"
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL,' all it says is 'Bad command or file name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive. Go to A:\ and type 'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name.'"
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place. It can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name.'"
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M'key...does that matter?
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open a ticket."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar..."
COMPUTER VIRUS ALERT
Please note! The following new computer viruses have been detected in or around the country. Please be alert for them when you scan your computers:
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS : Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS : Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS : Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS : This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS : Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS : Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.
ABORTION RIGHTS VIRUS : Deletes a file before it can be copied to the disk. Says that a file is not a file, and is therefore deletable.
BILL CLINTON VIRUS : Promises to save your disk, then once installed, does what all of the other viruses tell it to do and ignores its installer.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS : Forces all of the CPU's calculations to be done in secrecy. Another variation can turn 1000 bytes into 100,000 bytes through options trading. Any attempt to disagree with the results of the calculations are flagged as "out of date" and you get the "sad mac" face. Changes hairstyle frequently.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS : It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS : Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
AL GORE VIRUS : Undistinguishable from the directory tree.
TED TURNER VIRUS : Colourises your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS : Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS : Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS : Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS : Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
RANDALL TERRY VIRUS : Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS : Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS : The computer locks up, screen splits eratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS 2 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesnt allow the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS : You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS : Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS : Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
VINCE FOSTER VIRUS : Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. Kills anyone who tries to investigate.
NIKE VIRUS : Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS : Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS : Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS : Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS : Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS : Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS : Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS : Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS : Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
WHY DID THE COMPUTER CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD
MOUSE BALLS
ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT
SUBJECT:NEW RETAIN TIP
Record number: H031944
Device: D/T8550
Model: M
Hit count: UHC00000
Success count: USC00000
Publication code: PC50
Tip key: 025
Date created: O89/02/14
Date last altered: A89/02/15
Owning B.U.: USA
Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replaceable Unit)
Text:
Mouse balls are now available as a FRU.
If a mouse fails to operate, or should perform erratically, it may be in need of a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only.
Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method, and domestic balls replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary functional items.
P/N33F8462 -- DOMESTIC MOUSE BALLS
P/N33F8461 -- FOREIGN MOUSE BALLS
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