"what's wrong with me? I'll tell you what's wrong with me, you are on the same PLANET AS ME, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!"--just one of the ICQ messages received from "Geezie" (UIN: 30724138; e-mail: geezie77@hotmail.com) after he contacted me at random, ridiculed MY nickname and tried to insult me using language that would make a sailor blush

Celebrities, Earthquakes & Giant Cartoon Rabbits!

Strange title, eh? Well, it sums up this page rather accurately. I used to put little updates and news events on my main page. After a while, though, they started to clutter it up, as well as make me seem long-winded, which I happen to be. What you find here varies from news about me to current events in my area. Go ahead and read it--some of it's mildly interesting and not a complete waste of time.

UPDATE for 25 January 2003: Baby, it's cold outside.

Dammit, it's cold inside, too!

Our furnace is on the blink and my roommates and I are getting by with just a gas fireplace. We can't see our breath yet, but this morning I woke up next to Walt Disney and Ted Williams.

I hope it doesn't go that far, but we're prepared to start eating each other. I say we eat the vegetarian first just for irony's sake.

Now, on with some very special pictures.

For almost two months last fall, I was in Halifax while I did my internship at Street Cents. I had a great time working on the show and everyone was so kind. The people who put this program together are some of the best in the business and they deserve all the awards, including several Geminis and an Emmy, they win. Here I am with two of the hosts, Darryl Kyte and Kim D'Eon, on my last day in November.

UPDATE for 16 July 2002: I'm goin' up the road.

It looks like I hoodwinked the producers of Street Cents at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. They've agreed to let me do an internship on the Emmy-winning consumer affairs program for teenagers.

Now I get to live and work in Halifax, Nova Scotia for seven weeks this fall.

As proof that I actually went to Ryerson University this past year, here are a couple of pictures of me with my classmates.

UPDATE for 31 May 2001: What a month it's been!

On the first, I flew from Toronto to London to begin a three-week tour of six European countries. The week I returned home, I received notice that my university's senate has approved my application to graduate, as well as a letter of acceptance from another university. It looks as if I'll be studying journalism in Toronto this fall. Hooray for me!

That said, on with the pictures! I shot nearly 11 rolls of film during my trip, but since I was travelling alone, I appear in only two frames. While at the hostel in Brussels, I met a singing group from Sweden. It wasn't exactly the scenario that teases me in my dreams, but it was close enough. I'm the scruffy traveller in the middle, and around me are the very pretty female members of the Tingsholms Choir, although I prefer the name Better Than Abba.

UPDATE for 4 February 2001: I WON THE LOTTERY!

Well, not quite. You see, back in October, I bought some school supplies at Staples Business Depot. One of my purchases was a two-pack of Pentel R.S.V.P. medium-point pens. The package advertised an offer that seems too good to be true. Get this--it came with a $1 mail-in rebate! I paid $1.99 (plus the obligatory taxes) for these pens, so you can bet I was excited when I realized I could get a whole dollar back. FREAKIN' A!

I filled in the required form and sent it along with my receipt to Kalamazoo, Michigan--all at a cost of 52 cents for postage. After eight weeks of anxious sojourning at the mail box, I received my windfall. You can see it here:

Despite this good fortune, I've decided to stay in school and get a career. After all, an idle body is a sign of an idle mind, and I certainly don't want that. No-siree-bob.

UPDATE for 6 October 2000: "Hello, Wisconsin!"

Man, I love saying that. It's the tagline at the end of the closing credits for That '70s Show, Fox Television's breakout hit featuring six teenagers in 1970s the suburban United States. The actors themselves were only being born at the time of the series' setting, but they make you feel like you're experiencing Star Wars, Jimmy Carter, and disco for the first time.

I had the pleasure of meeting one of the show's stars recently. Danny Masterson plays cynical conspiracy theorist Steven Hyde, who's always ready with a smart remark or a slap upside the head.

Mr. Masterson picked up on my penchant for public performance, so we hammed it up for the camera. The result is that we look stupid in every frame. I apologize.

UPDATE for 1 October 2000: Part-time actor and full-time Diabetes sufferer Wilford Brimley heard about my Web site through his daughter, and wanted to meet me. So, when I was last in Toronto, we made arrangements for a close encounter, not unlike the one he had with those aliens in Cocoon.

UPDATE for 20 June 2000: Oops, I did it again.

My incredible luck garnered me meetings with a couple of stars from my childhood.

My fellow Canadians might remember a young-adult mystery show called the Edison Twins. It was about a pair of twins (natch), Tom & Annie Edison, and their little brother, Paul. (Paul was the one who wore the cool hats.) Anyway, "Tom Edison" himself, Andrew Sabiston, was passing through town and I happened to be in the right place at the right time.

"Baby, if you've ever wondered. . . ."

Remember that lyric? That was the opening to the great WKRP in Cincinatti series of yesteryear. There was Dr. Johnny Fever, Les Nessman, Herb Tarleck and current Maytag pitchman Gordon Jump. Of course, there was also station manager Andy Travis, played by Gary Sandy. Mr. Sandy was a guest at a broadcasters convention (I know--someone should tell them WKRP isn't real) and I caught up with him in the lounge of his hotel. His TV character was always cool and collected, but Mr. Sandy tried to strangle me after I asked him for Loni Anderson's phone number.

UPDATE for 19 January 2000: You see some strange things when you deliver pizza, and I'm not just talking about the customers. I've seen car accidents, roadkill (it was either a dog or a really big cat), and broken-down Greyhound buses.

I've never paid much attention to the things I see, but this time I had to stop and take a picture (after I had delivered the pizza, of course). A clever and sick individual had some fun with the marquee sign outside a safety supply store and changed the letters around to read something the merchant had not intended to display. I'll let you read it for yourself:

UPDATE for 1 January 2000: Happy New Year!

Yeah, I know--I'm falling right into the cliche of taking a retrospective/look ahead at the turn of the year, but I actually have something worth saying.

It's about six hours into the last year of the millennium and I'm trying to get some sleep. Then, it happens--the ground starts shaking. I estimate that by this time the whole planet had passed into 2000, so could it be the end of the world? Did a forgotten missile land and detonate near the city? Did something blow up at the nearby mine?

Nope. It was only an earthquake, measuring 5.6 on the Richter scale. Everyone, calm down and go home. The end of the world has been postponed.

WAIT! There's more.

Much Ado About Minnows: This afternoon, I went out for a stroll in the woods. I came upon a frozen pond and I saw footprints leading to a hole in the ice, but they ended there. It looked suspicious.

To make a long story short, two police cruisers responded along with three fire trucks. It turned out that no one had drowned, but that the hole was drilled for a minnow trap.

Yeesh, all this commotion over minnows.

UPDATE for 7 August 1999: Party!

It's summer, so it's time to party. We're here for a good time, not a long time.

A little more than a month ago, I and a few dozen of my closest friends celebrated St. Amanda's Day (don't ask--it's a long, strange story from a demented individual). I curse my friends for lying to me; they told me I was only drinking beer-flavoured water. Not so, as I soon found out. I now have my very own catch-phrase that people around the world will invariably use to emulate me: "Stop being blurry!!!"

The following pictures are a testament to my unusual behaviour. Enjoy.

Running out of things to drink and since I'd finished off the pickle juice, we decided to try barbecue sauce. Mike did the pouring, but his aim isn't very good, so I pretended to clean up the spillage sans-napkin.

Then Mike tried pouring the sauce into my mouth, but, like I said, his aim is less than perfect (something to which half the women in Sudbury, who have briefly dated him before coming to their senses, can attest), so I ended up covered in it.

After I changed my sauce-stained shirt, I mistook Mike for the Pilsbury Dough Boy.

UPDATE for 30 May 1999: What a weekend!

On Friday, my family and I drove 10 hours or so to Montreal. Now, I haven't been to Montreal since I was 2 1/2 years old, so this trip is practically my first.

My parents and I picked up my sister in Eastern Ontario, and we continued driving for another two hours to get to Montreal. Like me, my parents haven't been to Montreal in a long, long time and none of us knows the city very well.

We had directions to our hotel. We saw it up ahead, to our left, but, you see, a concrete wall, a chain-link fence, and a lack of a road link prevented us from getting to it. No exits were in sight. And since we were in an industrial area at night, there weren't many places where we could ask for help.

Finally, my father spotted a business of some kind and he quickly pulled into the parking lot. My father doesn't speak French, so he couldn't notice that he had just parked his car, containing his wife, his daughter, and his son, at a nudie bar. If it weren't for the public transit bus that pulled up right behind us, my father might've asked a big, surly bouncer named Rene if he could show him how to get to a hotel.

To make an already long story short, we found the Holiday Inn and settled in for a good night's sleep.

When I had breakfast in the hotel restaurant on Sunday morning, I sat next to D. Murray Dryden, father of Toronto Maple Leafs president Ken Dryden. I'm not a hockey fan, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't flattered when Mr. Dryden said I have "nice legs."

UPDATE for 20 April 1999: So I walk halfway across the city just to buy work-gloves.

After the hour-long walk, I arrive at the store. I look for the same gloves I had gotten before, but it's been at least five years since I bought them and they're not sold anymore. Instead, I choose another pair. Considering the name, I don't think I could have found a more suitable brand for me:

Hey, it was either that or the Man Handler gloves.

UPDATE for 6 April 1999: I had another celebrity encounter a while ago.

I was in Toronto again and my uncle, who seems to know everybody, got me an invite to a fancy dinner. I wasn't expecting too much, but you can imagine my surprise when one of my favourite actors, David Marciano, showed up! Recently, Mr. Marciano was in Mario Puzo's Last Don TV-movies, but he is best-known for playing Detective Ray Vecchio on Canada's biggest hit series, Due South. He's not abrasive like his television characters and he was kind enough to pose for a picture while I looked goofy (as usual!).

UPDATE for 27 February 1999: If you look around my site you might come across a comment I made, comparing Sudbury to California. Now, the two areas have even more in common.

It has just been confirmed that Sudbury will be a filming location for next year's X-Men movie. Key scenes involving the villain Magneto will be shot in the cavern of Science North, the local science centre, and in the tunnels of the Big Nickel Mine attraction.

Directed by Brian Singer and produced by Richard Donner, X-Men is rumoured to star Patrick Stewart as Professor Charles Xavier.

With any luck, I'll be cast as an extra, so keep your eyes peeled next year and you might spot me on the silver screen!

"I'd like to thank all the little people. . . ."

UPDATE for 26 February 1999: Finally! I can create thumbnails again!

Now I can tell you about a recent trip to Toronto. I was paying a visit to friends and family in the Big Smoke, and while I was there, I had the good fortune to meet Ron Palillo. You may not recognize the name and, heck, you might not even recognize the man.

You see, Mr. Palillo is an idol of sorts for me. Back in the 1970s, he made a name for himself as Arnold Horshak on the TV series Welcome Back, Kotter. He's 44 now, but he still pretty much looks the way he did 20 years ago. He's a nice guy and if you ever get the chance to meet him, I suggest you take it. He made me an honourary Sweathog!

UPDATE for 29 January 1999: I cheated death today.

I walk to school and back almost every day. It takes about an hour and 15 minutes, but ever since the start of winter, I'd been planning to take a short cut across the lake. I did just that today.

Not a good idea.

I got onto the ice and found it to be thick and firm. About 100 metres from shore, I saw a slushy patch but I figured it was an isolated occurrence and I trudged on through the six-inch-deep snow.

About halfway across the lake, I had to circumvent an island that was between me and the shore. Water near land is usually shallow and more apt to freeze, right? But alas, nope.

Suddenly, my left foot plunged through the slushy ice (or is that icy slush?) and I was shorter than usual. Remaining calm, I pulled my leg up and scurried over to the island to rest and collect my thoughts. I didn't want to bother the resident of the island by asking for a snowmobile ride to shore, so I kept on.

Other than having a soaked boot and a frozen pant cuff, I reached the other side of the lake without incident. About 30 minutes later, I arrived home safe, sound, and a little wet.

I know this isn't an edge-of-your-seat story of survival in the wilderness, but what do you expect? I'm a city boy. I didn't have to resort to eating a fellow human being, but if it makes you happy, I chew my fingernails.

UPDATE for 24 November 1998: Don't you hate it when the weather won't co-operate with you? I'd been planning to update this site with the first snowfall. It's not really significant, but it's something of a milestone to mark the start of winter.

But it hasn't snowed yet.

At least, not significantly. It's snowed a few times but it just melts when it hits the ground. So far we're about 30 centimetres (that's 11.8110 inches for you imperialists out there) short of our November accumulation average.

That aside, I had a great Halloween this year. Take a look at my costume and you'll see why.

Yes, that's a bubble-wrap suit. And, yes, that's me stapling my crotch. I still have the suit and there are still a few bubbles intact, so if anyone wants to do some poppin', give me a ring.

UPDATE for 3 October 1998: I just got home from partying with some friends, and I have some pictures from our previous outing, which was during a trip to Toronto. Enjoy!

Look who I ran into! You'll never guess! Well, you probably can if you look at the next picture. Turns out the one and only Friends star Jennifer Aniston was filming a movie in Toronto at the time and her friend, Christine, brought her to the party after she had wrapped for the day. I was fortunate enough to meet the very beautiful Ms. Aniston and have my picture taken with her.

Decisions, decisions: What's a guy to do? Do I run the dishwasher with new Premium Formula detergent or do I help Jennifer and Christine wash the dishes by hand?

UPDATE for 26 August 1998: My horoscope for tomorrow: "You will finally understand a joke that you felt went over your head." Gee, it's nice to know that the cosmos have a sense of humour.

UPDATE for 13 August 1998: It's raining auto parts! Well, not really, but it's pretty close to that. Last week, a tractor trailer hauling explosives destined for mines up north ran off an area highway and into a ditch. Minutes later, it blew up, vaporizing the truck and leaving a crater 15 feet deep! The resulting shockwave knocked people off their feet and out of their chairs, broke windows and cracked cement walls up to two kilometres away. Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt. To put it into perspective, the federal building in Oklahoma City was blown up with 4,000 pounds of explosives; this truck was carrying 50,000 pounds.

But that's not all.

The next day, police found a car that matched the description given in a province-wide alert. It was suspected to be loaded with explosives, so the area was cordoned off and a bomb squad was called in. After about a couple of hours, police found nothing, the streets were opened and everything returned to normal.

Until a few days ago, that is.

A construction crew was moving a mountain (yes, that's what we do around here every few years--move mountains) for a new shopping complex when one blast went awry. To make a long story short, one motorist had to replace his van's roof.

UPDATE for 9 July 1998: "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!" Anyone who's watched Saturday morning cartoons anytime between the '70s and the present knows that catch phrase for the sugar-laced Trix cereal from General Mills. I never ate the stuff, nor do I know anyone who did, but it's still around. I should know; I'm wearing the Trix rabbit costume and playing the character at a supermarket today. What can I say? I'm making money with it. I just don't know whether I should be happy or sad that it's the highest-paying job I've ever had.

With me in two of the pictures is my lovely assistant, Stephanie, but I obscured her face to protect her identity. Joining me in the other pictures are Toucan Sam, the Quick Bunny and the supermarket's dinosaur mascot, whose name is Giggles, I believe.

NEWS for 26 May 1998: A whole lotta shakin' goin' on! Yesterday, my area experienced not one, but two earthquakes. The first, which measured 3.9 on the Richter scale, occurred just before noon and the second, measuring 3.4, happened almost exactly 12 hours later. The local mining company is calling them "seismic events," but an earthquake's an earthquake. Jeez, this place is almost like California, except that most of the breasts here are real.

NEWS for 18 March 1998: Sudbury must have the luck of the Irish. On St. Patrick's Day there was a rumour circulating that Shania Twain will perform a concert here. Today, it was confirmed (more or less). Twain, who hasn't toured since making it big and has relegated herself to occasional live performances, will kick off her first North American tour on May 29 and 31 with two concerts in Sudbury, Ontario.

This won't be her first concert in the Nickel City, however. Her earliest performance here--as Eileen Twain--was at Northern Lights Festival Boreal when she was nine years old or so. All I've got to say is, "Welcome back, Shania!"

Now, if only this can incite my sweethearts Beverley Mahood, LeAnn Rimes, Deana Carter, the Dixie Chicks and the Kinleys (Okay, okay! I've got a thing for blondes.) to perform here. Actually, Beverley Mahood will perform at the nearby Hanmer Fair in July, so part of one of my prayers has been answered!

UPDATE: In the span of one week in late February I came into contact with two celebrities! First, I got a reply to an e-mail letter I sent to my favorite author, Elliot S. Maggin. He was very kind and wrote a rather long response to my comments and questions. Check my Sausage Links for his personal Web site, which includes an unpublished story of his. And a few days later, I got something very special in the mail. It's an autographed photo of the very beautiful Ramona Milano, who plays Francesca Vecchio on Due South! She wrote: "Dear Chris, May all your pasta and cappuccino dreams come true! Best wishes, Ramona Milano." The strange thing is that I've never written to her or requested a photo. . . .

Send me back, Bacon!