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This is my uncle Seamus
Bacon, with his "milkmaid." He led a rather
uneventful life, but it was highlighted by his inventing
the spoonlift. Unfortunately, it failed to garner any
success. Undeterred, Seamus tried again with the
knifelift. This, too, flopped. Discouraged, he gave up.
He died two weeks later, never knowing how close he came.
. . . |
| Seamus's brother, Cyrus
Bacon, on the other hand, was more successful in life.
Shortly after landing in Canada, he was elected to
represent his new home and riding. Uncle Cyrus served six
consecutive terms as the Member of Parliament for
Water-on-the-Knee before being unceremoniously tossed out
for vigorously rubbing his feet on the carpet and giving
static electric shocks to unsuspecting page boys. |
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Most people prefer not
to talk about the "black sheep" in their
families, but if I'm anything, I'm honest. As a district
boss in the Canadian mafia, Sal T. Bacon would cut off
the lips of anyone who called him Sally because he
thought it was a silly nickname. |
| The three Fs: Felix,
Fred, and Fergus. They were feeble-minded feather
farmers.from Fort Frances. |
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Since Canada's gun
control is so restrictive, Fraser had to find alternative
ways of hunting for sport. So, instead of shooting ducks,
Fraser stealthily swam under the surface and grabbed them
by the feet. |
| Bruno Bacon, like his
brother, Fraser, was something of an athlete. His short
stature made him vulnerable at the fish-processing plant
where he worked and the mean-spirited of his co-workers
would slap him with salmon. But they didn't pick on him
for very long, for he was full of spunk and learned to
defend himself. With this hidden talent discovered, Bruno
took the Newfoundland boxing circuit by storm, fighting
undefeated until he was disqualified for stuffing his
gloves with whale teeth. |
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Maxwell was Fraser and
Bruno's unathletic brother. He settled in Quebec where he
used all his savings to buy what he thought was a maple
syrup farm. He spent the rest of his life trying to find
a way to make a profit from "birch-leafed"
maple trees. |