Visitation Rites

I don't know what it is, but something about Freud Eggs & Bacon attracts some mighty strange people. I know because they sign my guest book. This riffraff of the Web seems to think there is an unofficial contest for the most suggestive and weirdest entries possible. In light of this, I hereby present my favourites of the more than 200 entries I've found in my guest book.

"Now I need to get cybergeek counselling from this experience, weirdo! I feel so violated I need a bath!! I'd rather sleep with a pig . . . no no, 2 pigs . . . no no, 2 pigs and my sister!"--from a guy I've known since 16 September 1997

"Hey, Chris, I really don't want to swell your head but I must be honest. I think you are pretty cute! I am looking forward to talking to you soon so e-mail me. Oh, yeah, the hundred dollar check you sent me for saying all this has been cashed! HAHA!!!"--another smart-ass entry, this time from Joanna in Montreal

"What kind of Web site is this? Why do you do this to me? I wasted very valuable time doing this, you know."--from a friend I've known since 4 September 1990

"This page is hilarious! You rock, cowboy! Ride that pony home!!"--from Steph, the girl next door (actually, she lives just a little further down the street, but you get the idea)

"I caught on to you, you little sneak! Good thing we had a prenup! 'Cause, sorry, but old grandpappy is forever emotionally scarred and from what I heard your cheating didn't stay in the family like I requested. What do I mean??? Yup, one day I was sitting outside when the mail man came by, NOT to mention Little Tommy three houses down and the Bag Lady/Pack Rat near mother's house. How could you, Chris P.??? I bet you started smoking, didn't you? That's a bad habit. What--was that your slow plan to kill me or to have our son grow a fifth arm???? You know that crack isn't at all healthy. Well, the papers will be served Thursday so if you want me to even consider taking you back you better change your shirt and have a good excuse!!!"--Rachel^rACHEL_, a fellow Sudburian

"Chrispy, I am astounded at your popularity. You truly are a god amongst men. Here's to the Mower King! P.S. I think about you at work too, but mostly because of the bad smell from our old air conditioning system. Seeya!"--Weather Eye. He gets annoyed when I say we first met 18 September 1994, so I won't mention it here.

"Am I just REALLY drunk . . . or is the pic warped?"--Joan, in reference to an actual warped picture I once had posted

"Nice . . . but who really needs all that talking? Show us more pics."--Slugger, yet another Sudbury-area resident

"After careful consideration, I have decided that you are the man I want to be the father of my baby. So, umm, whenever you're free, give me a call and I'll pencil you in."--mallrat. She's from Port Elgin; need I say more?

"I will have a hard time peeing in the snow 'cause I have to squat. . . . When we go to the next town meeting stark naked, I was wondering, can I wear your hat and ride you?"--Ugly Duckling, a Sudburian who works in a bingo parlour

"by the way i [sic] think your [sic] ugly and you've got to start plucking and i [sic] am 15 [. . . I] can't believe i [sic] wasted my time on you!"--an ICQ message received from "Phoebe" (UIN 17255588) after she contacted me at random, posed as a 19-year-old, chatted with me and visited this site

"You know, I can't even go to work without thinking of you."--Beth in Flat Rock, Michigan

"I found out a lot about Canada that I didn't know especially since I live in the USA!"--Lexi, another enlightened American

"You were right--you are weird!"--Shawna, about whom I have nothing interesting or witty to say

"Did you enjoy the Monica Lewinsky thing?"--Cousin Ron, whose guest book entries are out of context all on their own with no help from me

"I wish I could live in your world, CPB, it's much more appealing than the world the rest of us live in!"--Susan

"You are a very, very strange young man. I do not understand you very well."--Drakonian

"Hi, Chris. I finally got this stupid computer working. bye-bye"--Mikey, an English major, so what do you expect?

"Please stop sleeping with our wives while we are competing out of town. My teammates and I find it troubling that our lovely wives take you into our beds, one after another, whenever we leave the city to compete and to represent Sudbury. So please stop. Yes, we are just a Scrabble team, but Ernest has been working out and thinks he might just try to fight you next time he sees you. You have been warned. P.S. Nice site."--yet another gag entry from my friend, Weather Eye, posing as "Steve Keffer"

"You have been warned, young one, about revealing the true nature of Canada's secret history. You shall be visited by the Priory's dark armies within a fortnight. Gather your family, and wish them farewell. And then gather the margarine, for thou shalt need all the lubrication you can get."--Pierre Plantard De St. Clair, whose real identity is still a mystery, but I have suspicions

"I'll pop some more of those bubbles if ya want. I've popped you before and I'd do it again."--Sharon, a former Catholic student whose last name rhymes with "polo-ukulele"

"Bacon/Forrest, I think you may have truly outdone yourself, and remember, I saw all the weird stuff you did in high school!!! If I didn't know you, your site might have been a little strange, but with you, everyone should be warned ahead of time to 'expect the unexpected'. . . (know how much you English majors love cliches. . . .)"--renik, better known to most as Karina, a great Dane of a girl I went to high school with and now occasionally bump into at university

"You're raving. Flossie thinks you're especially raving, but I just think you're raving. I like raving people though so it's OK."--Alison in the U.K. Raving's a good thing, right?

"Wot? No Rhubovia? No Sally and Jake? No Mr. Piper? Get a grip, lad!" This one, from Stanley Gritvykken, baffles me to no end.

"You are one fine piece of Bacon! Looking at you makes me wanna chomp at the (bacon) bit!"--Karrine, a cornhusker in Fort Wayne, Indiana

"Chris: why did you put a picture of you holding some small child's crotch on your website? Just curious."--Steven W. Lombard Esq. Uhh, I was wondering when someone was going to ask this question.

"What I get from reading the graffiti in the stalls at my university is all the political info necessary to lead the life of an anarchic revolutionary. Can't say that about what's here, but, shit, mate you sound like a popular fella. Women want your babies, for Christ's sake. Not I. But intriguing nevertheless. Good form for a Canadian. However, Australia will rule the world--we are and will always be the pre-eminent colony. You heard it here first."--an Australian, I assume, who calls himself, or herself a witty loser.

"Well, like many others, I left your page feeling quite violated. If it weren't for the fact that I've already been violated by you on numerous occasions, and have quite enjoyed it, I might be upset."--Jane Smith, a Torontonian with a sense of humour almost as warped as mine

"Hey there, Chris P. Just for your info, I dropped in on the famous pickle juice drinking party only to find you passed out, smelling of barbecue sauce and rancid dill gas. It was 4 a.m. so I kinda expected that. Sorry I missed you, bubble boy."--hipster, who is currently living with a girl he used to babysit

"Maybe we should start some sort of online romance since it just so happens I am looking for a big sausage."--Maggie, of West Lafayette, Indiana, who, apparently, is not satisfied with husking corn

"I must say you are an amazing person and I'm not just saying that because you're going to be my husband and let me change my last name to Bacon as well. . . . So now that I've graduated from the hooked on phonics course I've decided to read all day long. . . . I bet you're wondering how I've managed to generate this much pee, huh? It's a talent!"--Sonya, a displanted Newfoundlander now living in Richmond Hill, a city not good enough to be part of the Toronto "megacity"

"How one could drink a bottle of pickle juice is beyond me."--MJL, a fellow Sudburian

"Hey, you! Well, I sure miss riding my bike in full make up past your house. Perhaps some time this winter I'll take a trip back to Sudbury and ride by on my snow machine. I'll wear the visor up so that my MAC makeup will glow against the whiteness of the tundra."--a girl who calls herself--get this--A Girl. She has nothing better to do than to stalk male university students.

"If you deliver me some pizza I promise the tip I give you won't be easily forgotten."--a spicy meatball named Polaris in New York City.

From "SmileIfYourHorny," a message that speaks for itself, but apparently doesn't have much to say: "your page is awesome...i like your nick it is original....keep up the good work and remember smile if your horny ...how else are people supposed to no if you are and don't show it??"

Lisa in Australia has this to say: "This is to Mr Chris P Bacon...I'm sorry for not signing your guestbook earlier...and I hope you forgive me!!! I really enjoyed this site (as u already know!) Keep up the great work...Fantastic site!!!!! Do u forgive me now???" Yes, I forgive you. How can I be mad at Australians?

High praise from "Undaunted": "Your humour is... Demented, crude, insolent, immature, and outrageous: I like it!"

Weather Eye and his son fancy themselves poets, but under the guise of "MC Ass Whole In": "U R Phat/Dat is Dat/Swingin yo willy/like a baseball bat/Chris P Bakin'/Yo willy is achin'/Get down homey/Wit da road ya takin'"

From "better than butter" (margarine, perhaps?): "YOU R A REALLY SEX THROB WOULD HUMPTY DUMP YOU ANYTIME YOU SEXY THING I LOVE YOU YOUR KIND IS HardTo FINNNNND!!!!!!!!" I'm easier to find than a spell-checker, it seems.

I'll let you figure this one out from The Divine Miss D.: "Sweet Cowboy Knight....or...er...whoops...that's that OTHER guy!! Happy Birthday to you, cutie-patootie!! Thanks for the great time last night!! It was so sweet of you to take the Cadillac instead of the VW. You know how difficult it is for me to get my loooooong legs into that VW!! Hope you had as much fun as I did! xoxoxo"

tweety41011 offered this tidbit of constructive criticism: "loved the pics need some nudes"

It looks like BLTs remind "Self" of me: "Every time I consume a pork product, I will think of you."

From "hot, wet and coming to Canada soon!": "Babe - stop searching - you have found what you have been looking for. . . ." I wasn't really looking, but if you insist. . . .

"You better also hurry up and get your butt to Australia 'cause I'm not going to raise our family alone down here. I told you that cybersex was a bad idea."--Toni, a sweet and saucy Aussie

Limerick Rick blesses us with this selection: "There once was a man named Chris P/Whose hoo-hoo reached down to his knee/No word of a lie/He wore it as a tie/And offered to show it to me"

Crazy Vampire Guy is good at distorting the truth: "I took all those really hot pictures of my man Bacon that are on his front page. I tried to convince him to show a bit of flesh but he just thought that that would be obscene. You should see the video we shot that day too. Let's just say there's a lot of ass in it (if you know what I mean.) ;) Anyhow, I go to school with Bacon and it is MY responbility to whip his body into a trim fighting form. And he dosen't call me 'Sir' for nothin', either. Us ex-military guys can really give it to people hard (and I know where people like hard things.) Well, I'm running out of piss so I'd better finish off my name. This is Sergent Major Crazy siging off."

"You are receiving this e-mail because you have been selected as our GRAND PRIZE WINNER. After careful consideration, our judges have chosen you! What's that, you don't remember entering a contest? That's okay, you were volunteered! And what have you won? You, dear sir, will become the father of our master race on Earth. We are from the planet Zgttblrtzgtghdtf and now we plan to colonize earth, taking over the planet and making all humans slaves. You, as father of our master race on earth, will copulate with 7 000 000 Zgttblrtzgtghdtfian females in one hour, at which point your penis will fall off and your head will explode. Don't worry, Chris, we'll be contacting you quite soon--and CONGRATULATIONS!!"--Zgttroblept (aka ExAngel)

Karen, from Queensland, Australia, apparently works as a messenger: "Hey there. I have an important message from Toni and this is the only way I could think of getting it to you. The message my friend's friend is that you are now a Daddy. Toni gave birth to twin girls a little while ago, on September 31. Your girl's names are Lilea Ellitah (Lea) who weighed 1700g and Prue Elizabeth (Pea) who weighed in at a healthy 2100g. Both Mum and daughters are doing fine, so CONGRATULATIONS!!! PS. You're site looks great! Best Wishes, Love Karen."

WE HAVE A NEW WINNER! CONGRATULATIONS, "fireball": "Oh Chris P. Bacon....you make me so hot. I would love to see your slab of bacon. I hope you will come to my pig pen soon, so we can oink and boink all night long. I am getting so hot and tender just thinking of smoking your sausage. I really need you to cure me of my needs. I would love to taste every inch of your body all the way down to your cute little pickled pigs feet!"

See what I have to put up with? Think you can do better? Give it a try.

Send me back, Bacon!

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