Jokes Pack Volume 2 On the day before the Battle of Hastings, King Harold said to his army commander, "Are the troops ready?" "They are, your Majesty", said the commander, "Would you like a demonstration?" "Yes, I would", said the King. So the commander lined all the archers up and instructed them to fire off a volley. Three thousand arrows sped through the air and landed a quarter of a mile away. But one clumsey archer fired straight up into the air, and the arrow went up several hundred feet, turned round and came back down again, landing about six inches from where the King was standing. "You want to watch that fellow", said the King. "If he's not careful, he'll have somebody's eye out tomorrow!" ===================================================================== What happend when women stood up for their rights? They lost their seats on the bus.......... ===================================================================== Why is a pig's tail rather like having to get up at three AM?? It's twirly....... ===================================================================== Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. ===================================================================== When most people see a glass partially filled with water, they see it as either half full or half empty. Bob Dole sees it as a great place to put his teeth. ===================================================================== Did you hear that at Bill Clinton's 50th birthday party, his cake was made in the shape of the USA embroidered with the 50 states? It was similar to the one Bob Dole had on his 50th birthday party which was embroidered with the 13 colonies! ===================================================================== President Clinton recently turned 50. It was noted as the first time he's met Bob Dole half-way on anything. ===================================================================== If Bob Dole, Bill Clinton, and Pat Buchanan were in a boat and it tipped over, who would be saved? The United States. ===================================================================== Ever notice that people who say they want to tell you something for your own good very seldom have anything good to say? ===================================================================== >From the Washington Post: What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too." Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly." Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel" Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu? If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall? How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own? All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway? Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!" Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff." Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white! Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not. ====================================================================== A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe. ====================================================================== Vincent Van Gogh had a real large family. Here's a listing of some of his lesser known relatives. The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U.Gogh The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white - Hue Gogh The sister who wore a mini skirt and liked to dance in bars...Go Gogh The real obnoxious brother ......................Please Gogh The brother who ate prunes .......................Gotta Gogh The uncle who worked at a convenience store .....Stop N Gogh His dizzy aunt ...................................Verti Gogh The cousin who moved to Illinois .................Chica Gogh His magician uncle...........................Wherediddy Gogh The cousin who lived in Mexico ....................Amee Gogh Another cousin who lived in Mexico ................Grin Gogh Nephew that drove a stage coach...............Wells Far Gogh Uncle who was constipated......................... Cant Gogh Aunt who was a good dancer......................... Tan Gogh ===================================================================== Andy went to Mexico where the weather was more predictable than Seattle................. Chili today, hot-tamale..................... ====================================================================== The Bride and Groom sat up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive........ ====================================================================== Silence isn't always golden, sometimes it's guilt! ====================================================================== The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. "Shertainly." said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said " You shee that piano ? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set ? Thast mine too. Now follow me." The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there ? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed ? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her ? "Yeah ?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story. "Well, thash me !" ====================================================================== Sanford Wallace Spams Saddam Hussein! ------------------------------------- Wallace's Cyber-Bomber program hits Saddam & lands the infamous spammer on the dictator's "death list." BAGHDAD, IRAQ- April 23, 1997 - Saddam Hussein today announced his pledge to fight terrorism, starting with "the fool who crashed my 286 with junk e-mail spam". The iron fisted leader went on to state that it took nearly five years to scavenge the countryside for stray computer parts "just to get on the net." After months of receiving busy signals from America OffLine, Saddam was finally able to negotiate (handshake) with the AOL server. He then went to download his e-mail, expecting to receive the customary AOL welcome e-mail message. But much to his dismay he was hit hard by Sanford Wallace's spam puking Cyber-Bomber Program. The attack consisted of endless copies of the exact same junk e-mails such as "Get Rich Quick", "Internet Porno Site Adverts", etc., etc.. The attack was so hard & heavy that Saddam's 120 MB hard drive simply crashed within a matter of minutes. Saddam stated that Mr. Wallace has got himself in the same predicament as Salman Rushdie, and will have nowhere to hide. Reaction amongst netizens was generally positive, and in total agreement with Saddam's decree. Sources at the Pentagon stated that Mr. Wallace will most likely be placed in the Wit-less Protection Program (funded by a new tax on all e-mails). Furthermore, Pentagon Officials were so impressed with the capabilities of the Cyber-Bomber Program, that this highly effective technology will now become property of the Department of Defense. No further details were given in regards to further research and development of junk e-mail spamming as a weapon of mass irritation. Mr. Spamford Wallace was unavailable for comment. (for a photo shot of Sanford Wallace, go to http://www.microcult.com/spam2.htm) 1997 Microcult Corporation. No rights reserved. illegal notices.