Article 5180 of alt.zines: Path: news.cic.net!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!torn!nott!cunews!freenet.carleton.ca!freenet3.scri.fsu.edu!freenet3.scri.fsu.edu!not-for-mail From: bfar333@freenet3.scri.fsu.edu (Brian Farmer) Newsgroups: alt.zines Subject: Fondle my balls... an e-zine, you mook Date: 23 Aug 1994 13:34:43 -0400 Organization: the Ninth Circle O' Hell, where the big Red Guy dwells... Lines: 381 Message-ID: <33dbvj$fs8@freenet3.scri.fsu.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: freenet3.scri.fsu.edu Summary: Annoying waste of bandwidth posing as zine Keywords: zine,annoying,waste,ferret,cheese,lube,strap-on-flesh-zucchini,stuff Lubrication: Astroglide X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] [insert pointlessly huge ASCII logo here] FONDLE MY BALLS (WEEKLY) ISSUE 1, VOLUME I, THE YEAR 1, ANNO MCMAHONIUM @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ FONDLE MY BALLS (WEEKLY) is published whenever I can get it together and implies no guarantees as to prolonged existance. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ FMB(W) is solely staffed, edited, typed, written and generally propagated by the GOD OF THUNDER, grievous (aka bfar333@freenet.scri.fsu.edu). Any problems with the content, reviews or whatever can be written out (in longhand, please) on plain white 8 1/2" X 11" paper, folded until they're all sharp corners and then gently thrust into thy nether regions. Be sure to say "hi!" to your colon for me! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I may start a FONDLE MY BALLS WWW area on my home page - who knows? If you'd like to view it's current sordid state of devolvement, get thine ass to: http://www.cyberspace.org/u/grievous/www/home_page.html Or not - it's your life. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ "She was being stalked by her own alternate personality." Well, ain't that a bitch. Anyways, if you detect a note of stark, shrill terror in my writing, it's because I just acquired a job which starts tomorrow. I am personally opposed to the bullshit slacker-as-icon aesthetic which proliferated for a while (much shorter than the media would have you believe), but dammit I HATE WORKING. I hate going into work every fucking day, seeing all those hapless dickheads going about their work and LOVING IT. Or at least tolerating it. Meanwhile I'm nauseated by merely talking to anyone I don't know and feel like I have a rampant case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder at the end of the day... Oh, well - nevermind. Just rambling... Uhm, give me some feedback on what you think of the zine and stuff - it's intended to be modest, short, dull. Send me some e-mail if you want (grievous@cyberspace.org or bfar333@freenet.fsu.edu) and I may write back. I'm not going to say "subscribe!" because I don't know if there will be an issue 2. Eep. Send me nude .gifs of Ernest Borgnine. Tell me about your sexual escapades with a riding lawnmower. Send me captured netsex files. Sign a release and let me use them. Just kidding. I don't _need_ a release. Anyways, later for now, enjoy the spew and stuff. [grievous] ################################### T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S ################################### Oh, fuck you. ############################################## # M U S I C K # ############################################# BUZZOV*EN - SORE (ROADRUNNER) 12 songs. Lacerating sheet-metal-tearing numbing manic noise from the NC boys, as usual. "To A Frown" (their last album) was perhaps edging more towards the slow torture side, while this slab sees them going full on meth-jitter apeshit. From the opening mortar-blast scree of "Sore" to the bluesy lurch of "Hollow" to the slow pound of "Pathetic" to the final searing cautery of "This is Not..." you'll swear these guys are the sickest brutal fucks on the planet. Where EYEHATEGOD wallows in piss and liquor, BUZZOV*EN snorts about 3 kilos of crank and grabs you by your face and shoots off little bits of your flesh with their stentorian shotgun-blast. HATEFUL shit here - kirk's voice fucking drips pain into your unsuspecting mind, while the guitars buzz scream and howl most improperly under the pick's relentless assault. Dig - they sound like they're physically trying to break their strings; how they make it through a whole song with all 6 intact I don't know. Here, chew on this broken glass for a while... MELVINS - TANKS 7" MELVINS - "With Yo Heart.../4 Letter Woman/Anal Satan" 7" (SYMPATHY) MELVINS - NIGHTGOAT 7" (AMPHETAMINE REPTILE) Der meisters of trudge-spew have spewed forth these slabs at some point previous to now (whether these are dated or not, I have literally no idea - although I know "Nightgoat" is a bit aged). We'll start from the beginning, eh? "TANKS" appears to be a bootleg (?) of a Peel Session, which generally don't have great sound quality - witness Napalm Death's Peel Session. But, of course, the material shines through the sloppy production in a most excellent performance with the "Bullhead" lineup. Kicking off with "Leech" (credited to Turner/Arm - Mudhoney? Green River?), a most excellent haunting dirge with krush-groove guitars and Buzz's manic yelping and crooning, you know this vinyl is classic. Den de boyz slam der geetars into "Euthanasia", another instant classic of Melvin-o-phonia; the real surprise I guess is the last track "Theme," which reminds me of the Pain Teens a bit with sampled voices in the background and squealing guitars; it reminds me of Godflesh a bit, too. This one is generally priced at around 5 bucks but is definitely worth it for the Melvins fan. The Sympathy For The Record Industry single (which doesn't seem to have an official title) is definitely worth the 2.50 I paid for it (even with the scratches on side 1 - ahem) but doesn't grab me as an instant classic - it catches the Mel's in their more rock-like incarnation (which also features the same lineup as "TANKS" funny-funny) but is still quite good. Side A is another cover (written by A. Wood/K. Wood - who?!) and is pretty amusing; it gets heavy towards the end; the music on this (and the whole thing) just kind of lacks the "OOMPH!" I expect from the Melvins... It's close to the rockier stuff on "Bullhead" or "Ozma" I suppose. Side B starts with "Four Letter Woman" which is pretty fast and groovy, it ain't "Honey Bucket" though. Last up is "Anal Satan" which is basically samples and yelling and drum machines, sort of the Melvins do "Rock Box". "Nightgoat" b/w "Adolescent Wet Dream" (credited to Jon Spencer - Pussy Galore?) is probably tied with "Tanks" for coolness; the version of "Nightgoat" is fucking AMAZING compared to the "Houdini" version (which is planet-shattering in it's own right) - it's a bit longer, slower, deeper and heavier. If you told me K.K. Null was playing second guitar on it I wouldn't be surprised... The B-side is pretty cool and punky, more in the heavy vein than the Sympathy single. ARGH! BECK - ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE (K) 16 songs. I quite like this tape - it expands on the folky/bluesy/slightly countryedge of tunes like "Pay No Mind" and "Whiskeyclone, Hotel City" from "Mellow Gold", but with a more raw, genuine feel. The damn thing runs from traditional folkisms to semi-punk (albeit with a valium coma) to the droning weirdness of "Mellow Gold". There are two other vocalists who appear, albeit briefly, but they also add a nicely unique flavor; this record will get no pop-play (damn) but definitely goes towards proving that the Hansen boy has plenty of talent. How someone so frigging young can sound so... Hmm. Pretty good. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@pointless@@border@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Foaming Evil Death (no, not those birth control thingies) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@waste@@o'@@space@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A REVIEW OF...ahem, SOAP! No, not that stupid shit your mom wastes brain cells watching all day, every day - the crap most folks use to clean their filthy, disgusting (oops - that's the christian in me talking) bodies. Let us begin, yes? (one to five *'s) OIL OF OLAY BATH BAR ***1/2 As bar soaps go, this is a good one - not too much aroma, a good lather (although starting it up can take time) and it doesn't dry your oh-so-sensitive skin out (wuss). The aroma is nothing like Oil of Olay itself - it's more of a Ivory-floral type thing. If you're stuck with bar soap, this is a good one. I also recommend: LEVER 2000 **** My personal favorite bar soap at the moment - a nicely neutral odor, hella-lather and it's pretty fuckin cheap; the only fault I can find is that some bars have a bit of a grainy/mealy feel to them. Generally the quality is consistently good, however. DOVE (Pink or white) * (and that's being generous) This shit sucks - if I wanted to smell like a fuckin' rose I'd hang out at the perfume counter in Dillard's. It feels nasty, it smells like floral napalm and it's way over- priced. DIAL ANTIBACTERIAL LIQUID SOAP ** I used to love this stuff - an interesting orangey stench and a good lather combined with the oh-so-important benefit of killing germs. Now I hate this shit; maybe it has something to do with being stuck in a hotel room and the only soap we had was either those miniscule hotel soaps (which suck) or this shit; going down on someone who's used this can be, um, gross. DR. BRONNER'S PEPPERMINT CASTILE SOAP ***** (actually off the friggin' scale) Go forth to your local health-nut/granola-bar/hippie health food store and acquire some of this - it will be there somewhere (usually between the cracked bulghur wheat and the carob chunks). Not only does it dilute 1-to-3 with water, it still works after that; the aroma of peppermint is nicely jarring _and_ it makes your naughty bits tingle (no joke!!!). What the hell else could you ask for?! Oh, it also provides hours of amusement in the form of the Essene/hippy propaganda all over the label... The perfect soap - the Platonic Ideal thereof. I would imagine that the Almond, Eucalyptus and other varieties are also pretty good. IVORY ** Ah, good old stolid Ivory - like that ex you can call for sex when you're at your lowest. Ivory is pretty cheap, which is no doubt it's saving grace; it doesn't smell particularly good, it doesn't feel really great but it's cheap... Oh! And it FLOATS!!! SOFTSOAP * Ick - it looks like semen, it smells like that cheap shit perfume they sell in Target (or so I'm told) and it barely lathers... Top that off with the fact that the shit sticks to your skin like napalm sticks to kids and it's a lose-lose thing. Somehow, whenever I use this crap I always wind up with little bubbles in the hair on my arms - go figger. BATHROOM SOAP Green kind (dish soap) ** Yellow kind (Smurf urine) *1/2 Blue kind (Windex cut with Dawn) ** The "Other" Blue Kind (it works!) *** Alright, you're done with whatever you were doing in the restroom there - I'm not asking - and you need to rinse your hands clear of the, shall we say, residue of your transaction. Haplessly you walk towards the sinks and pray that the blower-thing works and that there is actually SOAP in the dispenser. (side note: does anyone else worry that there are deviants who urinate into the dispensers? I mean, I've seen shit-graffiti in the stalls, who fucking KNOWS what these assholes do when they get out of them) If there is actually soap in the dispenser and it's the GREEN kind, well it will work well enough - it's dish soap usually. Occasionally it's Comet. If it's the YELLOW kind you might as well just rush back to the stall and scrub your hands off in the toilet - the yellow soap is basically worthless unless you have about 10 minutes to kill scrubbing your hands. Dammit. If it's the first (generally light-) BLUE kind, you're also shitouttaluckmyloc - it feels like cheap cheap cheap (frink) dishsoap mixed with Ammonia-D...it will burn some skin off of your hands, if you're lucky. If it's the saving grace of bathroom soaps, BLUE type B (generally darker than the first one) you're in luck - it foams, it scrubs, it smells good and it comes off. Don't have too much fun with the blower now, 'kay? ########################## ISN'T THE INTERNET _FUN_?! ########################## [captured from the Coffeehouse haven] (18, Johann) talk! (18, Johann) please! (22, mark) i want to taste your hot cum and lick your hairy balls (22, mark) slowly snake into your hole and lick and poke my tounge deep into it (22, mark) tasting your manhood (22, mark) I lift you legs up and look deep into your eyes and slowly slide insi (22, mark) pumping in and out and staring deep into your eyes (18, Johann) yeeeesssssssssssss (22, mark) going faster and faster (22, mark) igrab you thick cock and jack it hard making you cum all over (22, mark) yourself (22, mark) i lick your stomack clean while i fuck you harder and harder (18, Johann) oh yeah.... (18, Johann) that was good (22, mark) finaly i scream and shot hot loads deeps into your ass (22, mark) i fall on you and we kiss and fondle till we fall asleep (18, Johann) ohm thank you [Coffeehouse's address is eleven.uccs.edu port 2525] ########################## A SMALL INTERNET DIRECTORY ########################## This is a small listing of sites... Places to get an online account & e-mail address: freenet.hut.fi (port 23) (type LANGUAGE= and then eng at a prompt) grex.cyberspace.org (port 23) freenet.hsc.colorado.edu (port 23) freenet.scri.fsu.edu (guess which port!) cts.com (login as pnet, I think - I don't recall off hand) Places to go fuck around and meet people (or make nifty capture files of netsex hubba hubba): Coffeehouse - eleven.uccs.edu 2525 The Eagle's Nest - eagle.ibc.edu 2525 Opium Den - cns.cscns.com 1234 (also eclat.uccs.edu 4000?) Hotel California - neuromancer.hacks.arizona.edu 6060 Surfers - muscle.rai.kcl.ac.uk 3232 Undernet (shit) IRC - vinson.ecn.uoknor.edu 6677 Anyone have any addresses they want in here, lemme know... Otherwise I'll just have to find and post them myself. ################################### 5 10220111011 20110220110101 MY ASS ################################### From: jburgin@unixmail.haverford.edu (Joshua M. Burgin) Newsgroups: alt.fan.warlord (!) Subject: Re: Thanks and help. Date: 22 Jul 1994 16:54:44 GMT Lines: 22 Message-ID: <30otkk$3sa@saturn.haverford.edu> References: <1994Jul22.162609.6182@zippy.dct.ac.uk> NNTP-Posting-Host: 165.82.1.37 5 010102 100015 writes: >Thanks to the guy who helped me create alt.radio.uk > >And while I'm at it , where the hell is >alt.beneficient.daemons.bless.curse.bless ?? > > dMMMM .aMMMb dMP.aMMMb dMP.aMMMb.aMMMMb dMP.aMMMb .aMMMb .aMMMb dMPdMMMM > dMP dMP"VMPadMPdMP"VMPadMPdMP"VMPMP .PP"adMPdMP"VMPdMP"dMPdMP"dMPadMPdMP > dMMMMbdMP dMP dMPdMP dMP dMPdMP dMP .dP" dMPdMP dMPdMP dMPdMP dMP dMPdMMMMb > dMPdMP.dMP dMPdMP.dMP dMPdMP.dMP .dP" dMPdMP.dMPdMP.dMPdMP.dMP dMP dMP >MMMP" VMMMP" dMP VMMMP" dMP VMMP" .dPMMMP dMP VMMMP" VMMMP" VMMMP" dMPVMMMP" I just had to warlord this .sig again. This guy really needs to be taken outside and shot. Better yet, someone should make him learn EBDIC, all versions. And while were at it, he should be able to recite all of JCL. Joshua ############# ANYFUCKINGWAY ############# Hope to see you next time, assuming there is one. Send me your extraneous bullshit and I'll use it if I like it. Take it as you will; [grievous] EOF