Do you like poetry? Do you hug your computer before going to bed every night? Do you get depressed often, and dream about worlds beyond your own pitiful destiny? Do you like little children, especially little girls (or boys, depends what persuasion you are) with bows in their hair and innocent looks on their faces? Will you submit yourself to 'Syn ...' Worship? Do you like blowing up parliaments? Do you like bunny rabbits? Do you looooove bunny rabbits? Would you sell your grandmother for one night with a bunny rabbit? Do you consider yourself a deity, supernatural being or just plain God? Are nice, clean, wholesome, perfect, innocent, uncorruptable, straight people real bores in your life? Have you seen more than one Dusan Makavejev film? Have you seen even one Russ Meyer film? Do you like getting drunk? Do you like getting drunk after you've already gotten drunk? Do you hate your parents, authority and every other goddamn arsehole in this world? Is your I.Q. bigger than your shoe size? Can you count to ten in Russian? Do the letters L.U.S.T. mean anything to you? Were you one? Are you still one? Maybe you should consider joining.. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- T h e D e a d R a t S o c i e t y ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things we do: * Produce "The Rat Philes", a monthly magazine about Life, The Universe and Paedophilia. * Get drunk. * Hold parties! * See Dusan Makavejev films. * Visit primary schools. * Annoy Telecom. * Write poetry. (try to anyway) * Puke at each other's poetry. * Start revolutions. * Convince the rest of the world that life is a joke; tell them that the universe is a humongously mega-hugely mind-bogglingly massive place, and that they're mini-microscopic ultra-tiny insignificant to it all; then steal their handbags! * Have fun. Interested? Geez.. you're weird! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ########### ########### ########### ########### ########### ########### ##### ##### ##### ##### ##### ##### ##### ##### ##### ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- T H E R A T P H I L E S ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ##### ##### ##### ##### ##### ##### ########## ##### ######## ########### ###### ########### the monthly [well, now and then anyway] publication of the Dead Rat Society ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- RAT is now officially unofficiated with Anarchistic Tendencies. All coincidences are now coincidental. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ They fuck you up, your mum and dad They may not mean to but they do They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, Just for you But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old style hats and coats Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another's throats Man hands on misery to man It deepens like a coastal shelf Get out as quickly as you can And don't have any kids yourself Philip Larkin ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ RAT Top 8 at 8 Chart Dedications ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Young Boys...Your My Weakness" (Kate Cebrano)....................Inka Princess "What Have I Done To Deserve This?" (Pet Shop Boys)...................Zero Hour "All I Wanna Do Is Dance." (Colette).................................Mr. Jordan (and run around and play phasor strike and ride a bicycle and and..) "I Like Driving In My Car."............................Ivan Petrol-Head Trotsky (even if its not a Jaguar) "She's Got To Be Loved." (Jenny Morris)...........................Inka Princess "Everything Is Broken" (Bob Dylan).............................Cefiar Chunderac "I Want That Man" (Blondie).......................................Yahoo Serious "Healing Hands" (Elton John).........................................The Mentat (figure it out yourself) "Second Chance" (38 Special)........................................The Editors [This is a dedication to a friend - Ed.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ D.R.S. proudly presents.. ______________________________________________________________________ / _________________________________ ____________________________/ | |____ _____ ____ ___ \ / ___ _ _ ____ _ __ \____ \ |_ _| | | | \ | | | \ | | | | | __| | |/ / \ | | | | || | | || | | | | || | | | | | | | | / ____/ | | | | | | < | | | < | |_| | | |__ | | \ |______/ |_| |_||_| |_|\_\ |__| |_|\_\ |_____| |____| |_|\_\ "THE SEARCH FOR A PLOT" written by Inka Princess (aided and abetted by Doc) starring Captain Kirk- Cefiar Mr Spock - Avalon .. Dr Mc Coy - Doc Sulu - Captain Blood Chekov - The Walrus Singh - Superboy Uhura - Inka Princess Scotty - Infiltrator Klingon #1 - Garet Jax Klingon #2 - Bruce Wayne Klingon #3 - Quantum Leap Admiral - Night Stalker Philosopher #1 - Dr Who Philosopher #2 - Dragon Ruler cameo roles by Mr Jordan Fallen Angel (Lusty) Eva Fidelas Psychosonic Cindy "These are the voyages of the starship USS Egoprise. Her unceasing mission : to boldly go where no bulletin board users have gone before, to explore new and unlisted telephone numbers, to hassle all young innocent female bulletin board users, and to leave no egos unshattered in their wake..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Captain's Log, Stardate 2161.4 We have been on planet-patrol for the last four months, as a result of the .. adventures of the crew during their last rest and recreation leave. Currently we are circling one of the outer planets of the Solar system, Uranus, to be precise, looking for signs of hostile or penetrant activity. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UHURA: Captain, sugah, there is a communique from Starfleet command... putting it on the main viewer, now. {The screen crackles to life, the Admiral's face gradually replacing the former scene of the planet's surface} " Captain Kirk, you and your crew are hereby ordered to desist from your current duties and proceed immediately to the 15th Quadrant. You are to be entrusted with the mission to investigate recent reports of Klingon activity in that sector particularly those centring on the planet known as the Bauddello. Information has come to our hands that Klingon women are revolting .... {Sulu turns to Chekov and whispers "they always have been", but both are silenced by a nasty look from Capt Kirk.} ..and that as a direct result, Klingon hostilities have resumed in an unprecedented fashion. You will discover their intentions, and make a full demographic survey of the planet, paying especial regard to the possibility of colonisation, and a list of the best pubs and night-spots. Good Luck with your mission, your loyal, lazy, capitalist sysop, N.S. P.S. These Ad-Lib cards are selling like hot-cakes! Sure you don't want one? " {the screen breaks up with static, and then the former view of the planetary surface is displayed.} KIRK: Lt Uhura, tell Spock and McCoy and Singh to meet me down in Sick Bay for debriefing. Scotty, you have the conn. Sulu, Chekov, you come with me now, and Uhura, you join us in five minutes. {he strides over to the turbo lift and leaves the bridge, accompanied by Sulu and Chekov.} UHURA: Drat ! They always leave me out of the private convo's ! I never know what is going on ! SCOTTY: Aye ! Me Too ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 2169.7 I called Mr Spock, Sulu, Singh, Chekov and Doc Mc Coy to the Sickbay and debriefed them. Mr Spock complained that such an act was not necessary, and when pressed, explained that he had just picked up one of those nasty space diseases from a night out with a whore called Fallen Angel from Eroticon IV Space-port. But it was imperative that I checked out the state of their manhood before we embarked on this expedition; the last welcoming party I had been to was a Masked Avenger orgy and I was quite put off being surrounded by small dicks. [Why is he worried ?-Ed.] Uhura joined us. Doc Mc Coy offered to debrief her too, but she declined emphatically. We adjourned to the Transporter room, and on notification that we had reached the designated planet, were beamed down to the surface. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {Scene 2: On the planet's surface} SPOCK: We there yet? KIRK: Yup, this is the surface of the planet. SPOCK: Why can't I see anything ? KIRK: Take those goddamn Ray Bans off, Spock! SPOCK: Sorry Capt. Just that last night I was at a Rat Pissup Party and everythings a little.. um... brighter that it ought to be.. KIRK: Right, McCoy, have you got the map? KIRK: McCoy? KIRK: Where's that goddamn Doctor McCoy gone to! SULU: He didn't materialize with us, Capt. KIRK: Shit. (reaching for the communicator) Scotty! (SCOTTY: Yesh Capt'n!) KIRK: Where's that lazy no-hoper of a Doc McCoy gotten to? (SCOTTY: He'sh jusd shtaggered into the Transhmitter bay, Capt'n! I'm beaming him down now....) [always wondered how scotch could make Infiltrator sound scottish!-Cef] [FX: Doc McCoy slowly materialises between Mr Spock and Sulu.] MCCOY : Urrghh. My head hurts. SPOCK: Doc, how many? MCCOY: Urggh.. Thirteen I think.. SPOCK: Thirteen! That's illegal! MCCOY: Hey, I bet you drank at least a dozen VB too! KIRK: C'mon guys.. I think we're supposed to walk this way.. MCCOY: Aaaargh ! I don't think I can ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 2161.5 As we transversed the sandy desert plains of the barren planet, Doc McCoy kept us entertained with the latest jokes he'd picked up on those boards he calls that no-one else has heard of... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPOCK: Sand..sand.. everywhere.. damn bloody sand.. [MCCOY picks up a handful of the stuff..] MCCOY: Hey Spock, what's the difference between sand and a period? SPOCK: Dunno, what? MCCOY: Well, you can't gargle sand for a start.. [UHURA gives them both a disgusted look and gets out the tri- corder. She runs a quick sweep of the horizon, and indicates a direction change to the Captain.] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 2161.6 After several more minutes crossing the sandy desert, a Klingon Star-Ship - a Bird of Prey MK IV - was located. I instructed my team to approach cautiously, their phasers set to stun; these ships usually carry at least three warriors apiece. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KIRK: As the wise, intelligent and courageous commander of this expedition, I elect Chekov to enter the ship first. CHEKOV: ..but..but..But why do I get the wally jobs now that Lachlan's gone? KIRK: No butts... anyway; I reckon anal sex is a real turn-off.. [Chekov leads the party into the Klingon Bird of Prey..] SINGH: Yuk... this place is filthy! UHURA: Ick!... MR SPOCK: Urghh... what's that smell... KIRK: Why? I quite like this ship... real homely-like... CHEKOV: It smells worse than when Scotty took his sneakers off at the Limburger eating competition ! MR SPOCK: Oh my head .... OH ! my stomach ! .... I gotta get out of here ! {He dashes headlong through the nearest doorway and is noisily sick, then returns, looking green and shaken} KIRK: What was through there ? MR SPOCK: Just the galley, captain. oooooh, my head hurts.....ooooh... I'm seeing double ... Hey doc, which one of you is the real Mc Coy ? SULU: The ship appears to be deserted, Captain. KIRK: Right, Mr Singh, please conduct a thorough search of this vessel and transport anything which looks valuable up to the Egoprise. {The rest leave the ship, leaving behind a very disgruntled Singh, who continued to berate the others long after they were out of earshot. Why couldn't they ask him to fly or bend bars or something else ace like that?} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Meanwhile... about three miles west another conversation was afoot..(i.e. progressed from a mere ankle) ] KLINGON #2: Sigh... KLINGON #1: Whatsup? KLINGON #2: I need a women I can trust and respect .. You know...someone with more than just looks and personality ...someone who can give as good as she gets - and doesn't mind the occasional broken bone! KLINGON #1: YEAH ! KLINGON #2: Trouble is, all the Klingon females have discovered women's lib ... the entire Klingon empire is crumbling, none of the warriors are getting any and they're likely to ..... well lets just say I wouldn't roll a donut past any of them at the moment ! KLINGON #1: Right .... I didn't know it had got that bad yet ! KLINGON #2: It's worse than when we were back on Klingon, going to warrior training school ! KLINGON #1: SHEEEEEEEEEE-IT ! I don't think I could handle another three week stint of celibacy ! Once in a lifetime is bad enough ! {audience groans} KLINGON #2: Yeah, .... so what's this thing we're supposed to be guarding anyway ? [KLINGON #3 walks out from behind the cargo pod. He sizes up the situation in the merest fraction of a second, a disgusted look passes across his face as if looking for somewhere to perch, but finds itself outclassed and gives up ....] KLINGON #3: AT-TEN-SHUN ! [The other two Klingons accord their leader the traditional closed fist salute. A snarl crosses his face, although whether it was due to pleasure or indigestion is a moot point.] KLINGON #3: We have come to this ghu-forsaken planet in order to enslave some of the best of the human females, only the strongest and the best will suffice for our fighting men ! KLINGON #1 & #2: HAIL MIGHTY LEADER ! [They accord the leader another salute, including the honorific digitus impudicus (central finger raised). They shoulder their weapons and trudge off towards the distantly seen Palace of Pleasure, reasoning that any place with that large a red light had to be a good place to start...] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 2161.7 Our search for the missing Klingons led us across the sand dunes once again, to the Palace of Pleasure, which, according to the map, was the only substantial building on the planet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KIRK: Here we are guys.. the Palace Of Pleasure.. SULU: How do we enter this thing? SPOCK: Hmm... Hang on.. Isn't there a door over there; underneath that red light? SULU: Hey, there is too.. [The five visitors shuffled there way over to the red light.] SULU: Strange, you would have thought whoever built this palace would have designed a more impressive entrance... Anyway: what does go on inside this 'Palace Of Pleasure'? KIRK: That's just it Sulu.. we don't know.. nobody from the Federation has ever returned from this place.. SPOCK: Then what are we doing here!? CHEKOV: Hey guys..there's a sign here.. it reads 'Welcome to the Palace Of Pleasure..May your wildest fantasy cum true." And in small print they got... "Animals welcome; especially furry ones.." MCCOY: This place sounds my kind of place.. C'mon.. whatya waiting for? {Doc opens the little door and walks in, followed by the less- than-curious party... They find themselves in a lush bordello, with deep crimson velvet drapes, crimson-on-gold flocked wall- paper, beds with red satin sheets, mirrors on the ceiling, various racks of "tools",and a discreet condom vending machine in the corner.} SULU: Wow! SPOCK: Whoaaah! KIRK: Cool ! CHEKOV: Unbelievable! UHURA: This has gotta be some kinda evolution in action! MCCOY: Kinky! {pause} MCCOY: I have never seen so many beautiful women in the one place! [Not since the vertical hold stuffed up during a Transvision Vamp video clip-Ed] {another pause} SPOCK: Move over guys.. I'm having the one with the cute arse.. CHEKOV: And that one with the plaster. she's mine! KIRK: I bags the one with the Turban. SULU: Save the permed blonde for me! MCCOY: I'm having the little girl! UHURA: Oh.. thanx guys.. leave little old Uhura out of the phun huh? [she peers intently at the walls of the palace] Hey, you guys, the flocking on the wallpaper is a series of jokes ! ummm Q: What's a paedophiles' favorite television show ? MCCOY: What's the answer ? UHURA: A: C'mon Kids ! ......err, I don't get it ! MCCOY: Come over here and I'll explain it to you ... in detail.. UHURA: Ahhhh ... no thanx doc, I think I'll pass on that one ! {She continues to read the wall-paper while the rest of the crew err .. partake of their various pleasures, muttering under her breath about the unfairness of being the only female member of the bridge crew, and the unfairness of the planet in having inhabitants only of one gender instead of the usual two or three. Several hours later, the way-team regroups in the palace's main bar .... spock's ears are drooping, and even doc mccoy's usual banter has lost some of its sparkle ..... Uhura has been drinking solidly during the intervening time, and is in vast danger of falling into one of her earrings and disappearing forever.} UHURA:{groggily} Snoo, guys ? SULU:{Puzzled} Snoo ? UHURA: Not much, snoo with you ? Hehehee! {Spock emerges from a door at the side of the room, labelled "LADIES TOILETS"} KIRK: What were you doing in there, Spock ? SPOCK: I just wanted to go where no man had gone before .... {It is, naturally enough, at this point that the two armed and desparate Klingons burst in through the door ... firing their phaser rifles indiscriminately in the air, fortunately missing all of the important people in this saga, and only narrowly singeing a few of the others.} KLINGON #1: HAND OVER YOUR WOMEN OR WE WILL KILL YOU ! {he waves the phaser rifle dangerously, to emphasize his point} KLINGON #2: Hangon .... we're gonna kill them anyway, aren't we ? I mean, it's no fun if you don't .... KLINGON #1: {aside} Of course we are ... but THEY don't know that! KLINGON #2: Oh, right ..... {The brave (?) men of the Egoprise look on helplessly as all of the women are rounded up by one of the Klingons, while the other stands guard over them, his finger resting lightly on the firing stud....} UHURA: {groggily peering up into the face of one of the Klingons} Say, were you born that way, or did someone beat you with an ugly stick ? {A snarl crosses the Klingon's face, but has no better luck than the earlier one. It gives up in disgust and merely perches in the centre of the Klingon's face, apparently in grave danger of being lost forever. The Klingon resets his hand-phaser to stun, and gestures threateningly at the men, before pressing a stud on the communicator. The two Klingons and the dozen or so women vanish from the Palace of Pleasure in a golden, sparkling twinkle.} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Captain's Personal Log, 2162.3 It is now almost 24 standard hours since the women from the Bauddello planet were kidnapped, and with them our communications officer, Lt Uhura. We hold grave fears for their safety, as well as that of Mr Singh, who failed to return to the Egoprise, and must be assumed to have been captured or killed by the Klingons. Morale on the Egoprise is at an all time low.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KIRK: This is no good ! We have to find out what their terms are for the return of the women. Lt Uhura ... open the hailing frequencies ! DAMN !! I forgot ! Spock, you do it .....and quit looking like that ! SPOCK: Hailing frequencies open, captain ..... and I can't help looking like this, I'm a Vulcan, sir ! KIRK: Well at least stop blowing all that hot air around here.. {Kirk sits down at the bridge.} KIRK: This is Captain James T Kirk of the United Starship Egoprise. Are you receiving me ? {The view screen crackles and displays the "grainy" appearance typical of the Klingon's communication transmissions. The Klingon commander appears on the screen, uniform dishevelled and with evidence of fresh scratches down the side of his face.} KLINGON #3: What do you want, Ralph? KIRK: We demand that you return our women to us ! KLINGON #3: You are in no position to demand anything from us, Captain. We have your women, and we do what we please with them. KIRK: I remind you that you stand in violation of treaty by your mere presence in this quadrant. Your kidnap of the young women is, in fact, an act of war. Not only that: I quite miss Lt Uhura, oh her smiling face, her light brown hair.. her cheerful grin.. and and.. sniff.. [FX - Violin Music] KLINGON #3: Well stiff shit Kirk. As this planet is not officially part of the United Federation of Planets, we do as we damn well please! {The viewer breaks up with static once more, and the depressed Captain Kirk goes back to pacing the bridge. Several minutes pass...} KIRK: I got it ! MCCOY: Well, come down to sick bay, and I'll see if I got a cream or something to clear it up ! KIRK: No, you fool ! I have the answer ...... ! SPOCK: The answer to Life, The Universe and Everything?? MCCOY: I thought we already knew that! SPOCK: No Mc Coy, girls with pigtails are not the Meaning To Life. KIRK:{Looking up with a pained expression} Why me ? What did I ever do to deserve this ! ..... Chekov, you man the communications console .... get me the hailing frequency of every bulletin board in the quadrant ! CHEKOV: Aye, Captain ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {Meanhile... onboard the Klingon Pirate Ship..} UHURA: I demand to see my lawyer! KLINGON #1: Shadup! UHURA: I would like to point out this is blatant sexist discrimination. KLINGON #2: So what. We're chauvanistic sexist pigs... this what we normally do for kicks.. UHURA: Have you no decency, no respect for the opposite sex ? KLINGON #2: Err... no. UHURA: {Sigh} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Klingon Leader Private Log: Stardate 2063.3 We haf da wimin. Von of dem - a lite browne hareed in a starfweet uniphorm iz giving uz zome troubule, and it izt suggestd ve dump her at da next Spaze-Servise-Stashun. Alzo, ze spaze zhip haz develoeped a strang und unfamiliare zmell - quite pleazing to the census... that apprez to bee eminateing fom ze galley. Ve ar investigatink.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {Meanwhile, somewhere far, far away ... two philosophers are sitting under the stars, bathed in the light of Orion's three moons.. discussing life} PHILOSOPHER #1: Hmm... I've been thinking.. about life, the universe and all that.. and.. well.. I reckon its all got to do with pizzas. PHILOSOPHER #2: Pizzas you say? PHILOSOPHER #1: Yeah, Capricciosa ones in fact. Like.. well all the people in the world; they are the topping.. the anchovies for rich people, prawns are the people who hide in their shells all life, salami for the hot people, and the crust around the edge - thats morals and ethics to hold everything on top of the pizza, and the base - thats the society supporting everything together.. and the cheese represents the general material world that envelopes everybody.. the aroma - thats the metaphysical world.. you know its there but you can't eat it sorta.. {pause} PHILOSOPHER #2: That so? PHILOSOPHER #1: I.. well.. I just dont see where I fit in. I sort of feel like the little blob of cheese that falls to the bottom of the oven.. and slowly frizzles away until it gets scrubbed off a month later with a packet of Ajax and a damp cloth.. PHILOSOPHER #2: Yeah right.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {Onboard the Egoprise..} SPOCK: McCoy, I've been thinking. Maybe we should let the Klingons keep the women. MCCOY: What! SPOCK: Well.. like.. those women are going to serve a purpose. Without them the entire Klingon battle-fleet will turn gay.. and well.. it would take the phun out of blowing shit through them: they'd be used to it! MCCOY: But remember Spock, the needs of the few may sometimes outweigh the needs of the many. SPOCK: But what about the Klingon warriors? Why - they're more desperate than Shadow! MCCOY: No sympathy. SPOCK: No sympathy? MCCOY: None what-so-ever. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {Meanwhile, on board the Klingon Star-Cruiser, the employees of the Palace Of Pleasure and Lt Uhura, are being held captive in a dirty, smelly Klingon cell.} CINDY: We gotta get out of here, girls. ANGEL: Yeah.. I don't like the look of serving them ugly Klingons. I'd rather have sex with the Masked Avenger than those fugly things! UHURA: I've got an idea - Mr Jordan! MR JORDAN: No way... I'm not going to do it.. UHURA: Sorry babe, but you're our only hope.. MR JORDAN: Well.. OK...I'll try.. just once.. {Mr Jordan walks up to the cell bars, inserts her plastered leg, and takes a deep breath...} UHURA: C'mon .. you can do it.. you can do it.. CINDY: Go Jordy! ANGEL: C'mon Jordy!! My sex life is at stake! MR JORDAN: Nrggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! [FX - - = * ( C R A C K ! ) * = - ] UHURA: Yahooo! You did it ! CINDY: Way to go ! ANGEL: Phew ! UHURA: C'mon girls.. we've got a Klingon Star-Cruiser to overtake! {The four fugitives pop through the bent bars and exit to the bridge...} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KIRK: You got through to those BBSes yet, Chekov ? CHEKOV: Still on manual dial, Captain .... and I'm getting RSI from this bloody 300 baud toaster modem..... KIRK: Quit complaining and keep dialling ! CHEKOV: Aye, Captain. {Time Passes} CHEKOV: Transmission completed, here is their reply, Captain. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- |Message #2069 "E-mail" | |Date: 02-Dec-89 13:00 | |From: Shadow & Friends | |To: Captain Kirk | |Subj: SEX !!!! | | hi guys... shadow here..(with my 300 + mates from the Cafe) and | | we're rearing to help you save the women held captive by the Klingons! | | | | ..shadow the stud.. | | | ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- KIRK: C00L ! Those Klingons don't stand a chance ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {Meanwhile, back on the Klingon ship, the girls have taken over the bridge .... The Klingons, quite overwhelmed by their determination, are locked into the galley, where they discover the source of the *interesting* aroma which has permeated their vehicle for the last few hours ......} UHURA: {Taking command} Ok .. who knows how to navigate this bucket of shit ? And someone find some air-freshener ! MR. JORDAN: Well, I've watched Doc in his sub-orbital Volvo often enough ... I'll give it a try ! UHURA: Right ! Let's get a move on then, people ! {They traverse the hyper-space multiverse, until they suddenly lurch to a complete halt. There is a nauseating grinding noise from the front of the ship} UHURA: What the hell happened then? MR. JORDAN: Err .... I hit a inter-planetary telephone pole .... SOOORRY!. I guess I was watching Doc a little TOO closely ..... CINDY: The Egoprise is on the scanners ... WE'RE SAVED !!!! ANGEL: YAY !!!! MR. JORDAN: Hey, that's not the Egoprise ... that is Shadow and his outlawed band of desperates, on their inter-galactic tri-cycles ! UHURA: Oh no ! .... Not them ! Quick girls - free the Klingons! I'd rather serve to their whims then this pack of desperates! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ E p i l o g u e SPOCK: A pretty pathetic ending wouldn't you say Doc? MCCOY: Oh I thought it was all right. I wouldn't mind knowing what happened to Singh though. The authors sort of forgot about him didn't they. SPOCK: Yeah. Oh well. What would you expect from a B grade production written by two people with humours more warped than drift wood. MCCOY: Yeah I guess so. Oh well, on with Rat. SPOCK: I heard we're getting a new editor. A female. Should be good. MCCOY: Can't wait. T h e E n d (thankgod!) SPOCK: Hangon, what DID happen to Singh ? MCCOY: oh, didn't you know ? He reckons he saved the girls single-handed from the Klingons AND Shadow's gang .... SPOCK: Yeah ? MCCOY: But you know him .... always modest .... E n d Congratulations goes to Inki for finishing a story with the worst and oldest joke of all time. Also a thanks to Doc for the necessary "Chilli Concarne", now the official diet for authors. And finally thanks to Gene Roddenberry and Co. for inspiration. Long live "the trekkies!" } ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LOST! One key; fits Mr Jordan. If found, please return to Captain Blood c/o The Cafe 894-2815 P.S. In need, urgently! - The Walrus ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- t h e _ _ ___ _ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ |\ /| | / \ |\ | | |\ | | | \/ | |- |---| | \ | | | \ | | __ | | |___ | | | \| _|_ | \| |___| t o _____ \ | ____ | | / __| | | _ _| |_ | | |_| |_ _| _____ | | _ | | / _ \ | | | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | | ____/ | |______/| | | | | | \___/\ /___________| /__| /__| \______/ and other little green furry things * apologies to Monty Python * Life? What is life? Why exist? Who am I? What is death? Is there a God? Does Yahoo really have a nice pair? These and other timeless philosophical questions will probably not be answered in this story, but then again, did you really expect anything else? ================= GOD. I shouldn't really talk about God. He was a damn good sysop, and is missed by all. ================= SEX. Often many creative intellects of this world have thought of sex as the only true reason for existence. Biology this is true: you are infact just a very fancy way for a bunch of very uninspiring deoxyribonucleic acids to reproduce themselves. One might use this premise to suggest that the day you reach menopause you may aswell end it all - well that, say the biologists, isn't particularly worth while. Firstly, you can make a benefit to society still, like help other little deoxyribonecleic acids reproduce themselves; and secondly suicide is rather messy and leaves a lot of little annoying things for relatives to tend to. A more human approach to this quite popular idea has been expressed by many cinematographers, including the works of Russ Meyer (Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls, Beneath The Valley Of The Ultravixens) and Dusan Makavejev (Manifesto, Sweet Movie, Montenegro). 'Makavejev's ideas revolve around the idea of sexuality as the life-force, and repression of sexual expression as hostile as life itself. Makavejev enjoys satirising the absurdities of civilised behaviour, and while much of the fun in his movies concerns sex there is also considerable anger directed towards the cruelty and hypocrisy he sees arising out of the denial of our basic needs.' (Age, 11/10/89) Russ Meyer's cult works came out of the "Hippy" period, where experimentation in drugs and sex was actually philosophically justified rather than a social expectation of some people. His conclusion, that after a lot of screwing around and using sex as a manipulator of people: love is the life force and the full potential of humanity is the appreciation of that. Whether you like that or not, his films were very entertaining, his main characteristic being the number of sex scenes equaling the number of main characters factorial. Notibly, Both Russ Meyer and Dusan Makavesev have successfully had several of their films banned in their respective country of origin. The suppression of hormonal urges by a misdirected society was also commented on by Sigmund Frued. But he was into motherfucking and thats down right pukeable. We have to look no further than the multitude of lonely unwanted sex-starved teenagers that predominate The Hard Rock Cafe and Happy Hacking BBS for evidence to support this theory. And when some extroverted 15 yr old girl appears, who enjoys an ego pampered, all mayhem breaks out and within a week her mail count has quadruplified. Sad, sad, very sad. ================= SCIENCE. Scientists gave us computers. Damn stupid scientists. Scientists proved we're nothing but twenty cents of chemicals that like to fuck alot. Damn stupid scientists. ================= PHILOSOPHY. Robert Pirsig (author of Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance) once tried to convey that he could divide thought into classes, divide people into Classic and Romantic, and sub divide these groups into even more groups and so on. In the end, all he achieved was confusing everybody, and even his comparisons with maintaining a motorcycle has convinced me to stick to the four wheeled variety. ================= RELIGION. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Athiests are just Christians who don't believe in God." - Al Capone ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ================= MORE ON SEX. Is there a difference between love and lust? Well, if you are unsure, go and screw all your good looking friends (of the opposite sex please!) and then see how you feel about yourself. ================= 12 YEAR OLDS. I'm not saying nuthin' about this. ================= 6 YEAR OLDS. Two of these is better than one of the above! [Tandem Nonstop ?-Ed.] ================= 2 MONTHS. Now this is really kinky. The only problem is, how do you differentiate between an orgasm and 'i want my dinner'? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "I'm a little furry green tennis ball." - Zero Hour, The Hard Rock Cafe ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ================= CAN YOU REALLY GAIN SEXUAL SATISFACTION CHATTING TO TEMPTRESS ON THE CAFE? Dunno, ask Shadow. ================= CAN YOU REALLY GAIN SEXUAL SATISFACTION FROM AMIGAS? Ask Dune Messiah about what an amiga can really do. ================= INDIVIDUALISM. This was summed up beautifully, in probably the funniest comedy/satire sketch ever to come out of Cinema, the speech by 'Brian' in Monty Pythons 'The Life Of Brian' Brian : "You don't need to follow me... You don't need to follow anybody!" "Your all individuals!" Crowd (in unison) : "Yes. We're all individuals!" Stereo-typing, conformity and alienation may be evils of society, but the importance of individualism itself plays a role in shaping the more 'misdirected' among us. I am, ofcourse, refering to The Masked Avenger. George Orwell attacks this issue in "Nineteen Eighty-Four", where in order to gain total and utter power over the people, the "Party" remove all trace of humanity and individualism amongst its people. To love is to sin [Syn?], as love has no more purpose to the Party than help the population increase. And when Artifical Insemination is developed, love becomes intirely useless, and Dianne Nichols would be out of a job. And so love, individualism, and paedophilia are only human, and definitely have no place in a purely logically structured Pascal program. Whether this explains why Vagabond is infertile. This is something entirely unrelated, but I thought I'd bring it up anyway. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Why be nice when you can be a fuckwit?" The Masked Avenger, The Burning Crucifix BBS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ================= YOU, ME AND VB. There is a minority (majority?) out there who believe that life's little mysteries are quite easily solved by forgetting about them; and this is achieved by rendering themselves to a state of mind where there mere effort of contemplation itself becomes impossible. This involves the consumption of rather large volumes of various coloured fluids; some of these philosophers prefer the frothy, amber liquids, while others find the multitude of brightly coloured ones with funny names more effective. Whichever the philosopher chooses, he or she usually then preforms one of two rituals: either to decorate the carpet with their version of 'Pro Hart goes to work', or burn some rubber resulting in three sore heads in the morning instead of two. ================= DEATH, SUICIDE AND GOING OUT IN STYLE. The frustrations of many, unable to discover their own particular philosophy; finding sex unsatisfying/unobtainable, alcohol too dizzy, science too boring, computers too dizzy, and twelve year olds too fragile; is sometimes taken out in a rather terminal solution. The methods to achieve this solution is varied; ranging from the traditional leap off a tall bridge/building/tree/ construction of high altitude, to the more creative self mutilation by juggling kitchen knives blindfolded. (Personally I would choose death by exhaustion, but Syn unfortunately declined.) For those unlucky to predict their date of departure from this world: stiff bickies. Which really sums up life; you're going to die whether you like it or not; you have no say in it whatsoever. With this in mind, there seems nothing else to do but enjoy living while you do; drink as much fluids, get as much pussy as possible, log onto as many bulletin boards as you can, and abuse as many people as possible. Nobody's going to give a flying fuck who you were when you were alive, and neither are you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life is a jest, and all things show it. I thought so once; but now I know it. "My Own Epitaph" - John Gay ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ================= AFTERLIFE. I have always dreamed of being re-incarnated as Yahoo's first born. However, having a mother who died aged nineteen would be somewhat of a deprived upbringing, and the sheer thought of possibly having Jaymes as a father - honestly I'd rather be born in an Amsterdam brothel like Mr Jordan. END. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Young Love' Hey Take a look at my girlfriend, Isn't she just neat; Look at her curves, Look at her face, Isn't she something, You dream for. Take a look at her now, Standing in the light, Don't you wish you were hers, Don't you wish you were so lucky, And have her for yourself. Your little plaything, Your little toy, To parade around the park, On a leash. Take a look at my fish, Caught in a net by me, Don't you think she's terrific, And she's fallen for no other. The guy who deserves most, Aren't you a little jelous, Of my girlfriend. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. What comes next?" "Old Age" from the The Masked Avenger ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you enjoy that last joke? Why not call O P E R A T I O N P A R A D O X 008-011-233 (toll free) today! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wally's Crystal Ball(s) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What will you be doing in five years time? by Doc & The Walrus Mr Jordan, now of eighteen years, will be seen regularly arriving at the Metro nightclub in her red porsche, dressed in black leathers, escorted by some twenty-seven year old guy. She is a party animal, and uses men like they were her toys. [She pays VERY well.-Ed.] However, steeped in secrecy she has a shady past: an illegitimate daughter called Jenny, four years old, the father being The Walrus, now a poor heart-broken sod, recovering from an addiction to alcohol in the Salvo's Refuge. The girl is under the care of Doc. Mr Jordan's mother is presently running for Prime Minister, her policies being to cook as much Casserole as possible, thus solving all poverty problems and keeping the multi-national MacDonalds in debt. Mr J's father has been admitted to an asylum of unknown location. Captain Blood and Cindy are married, and live in the Western suburbs with their thirteen children. Fallen Angel has a full time job as a call-girl, making between $300-$400 an hour. [Get into her now before the price goes up - Ed.] Fearless Fred becomes sober, and then declares himself a Born Again Christian. The Masked Avenger becomes a kindergarten teacher. Cefiar runs off with Inka Princess to elope to the moon. Night Stalker and Janine marry, and have one child; a little shorty who thinks he's a stud even with his red hair. Ivan is sadly killed in a motor car accident, a head-on collision between his Monaro and a volvo with a red nose, driven by a bearded man in an Acubra hat. Greg Williams wins the Robin Suit Wearers Award for five years straight. Superboy becomes insanely jelous of Mr Jordan's activities, and holds her for hostage on the roof of the Rialto. [No price is to great.-Ed.] Rambo Jordan pushes him off the roof and for the first time in his life he realises that he can't actually fly. Zero Hour joins the Jehovah Witnesses. [A front for a gay organization-Ed.] Avalon develops a potent aphrodisiac while mixing chemicals randomly at Melb Uni, goes on to make a fortune and moves to Saudi Arabia to live with his harem. Doc, after being arrested for paedophilia, endures a long and tiring trial. The charges are finally dropped, but the Doc is heartbroken, and retires from any prominance in life, choosing a nondescript job as a manager of a little orphanage for nymphets. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ PERSONALITY TEST v0.99 For each question, an answer of yes is equal to 1 mark unless otherwise stipulated. 1. Have you committed an offence with your computer that involved credit card fraud, hacking, phreaking or pirating ? 2. More than once ? 3. Alone ? 4. Have you committed any other offence with your computer ? (Excluding credit card fraud, hacking, phreaking and pirating) 5. Did it feel good afterwards ? 6. Not alone ? 7. With a parent aswell ? 8. With your grandmother, now deceased ? 9. Have you ever rung up Desperate & Dateless ? 10. Have you ever appeared on Desperate & Dateless ? 11. More than once ? 12. Have you ever seen a burlesque show ? (i.e. Rocky Horror Pricture Show, Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls, Animal Farm) 13. Have you dated a fellow BBS user ? 14. Without pre-meeting him/her ? 15. Have you bonked with a fellow BBS user ? 16. More than once ? 17. While NOT drunk ? 18. Within three years of your age ? 19. Do you use your computer every day ? 20. For more than 2 hours ? 21. For more than 4 hours ? 22. For more than 8 hours ? 23. For more than 16 hours ? 24. For more than 32 hours ? 25. Can you see the error in the above question ? 26. Do you have a name for your computer ? 27. Is that name of opposite gender to you ? 28. Is it an AMIGA ? 29. Do you regularly read literature such as The Dead Rat Society Magazine ? 30. Do you enjoy it ? 31. Do you/or have you ever written for this or other similar publications ? 32. Do you drive a car of vintage pre 1969 ? 33. Have you played an RPG ? 34. In freeform ? 35. In a dress ? 36. Does your bedroom have a poster of anything to do with computers ? 37. Do you walk out of newsagents with Your Computer Australia in the inside of the newspaper ? 38. Do you own any of a MicroBee/ZX81/Dream 68000/Vic20/Spectrum/Pet/Coco ? 39. Do you still use it ? 40. Do you own more than four computers ? 41. Have you programmed in Assembly Language ? 42. Have you done this for more than 10 k off the top of your head ? 43. Have you used a keypunch ? 44. Did it feel good ? 45. Is your soldering iron bigger than your dick ? 46. Do you possess a modem that can only do 300 bps? 47. Do you date 14 year olds ? 48. Do you have a girl/boyfriend who can walk ? 49. Does using a modem comprise more than 90% of your phone bill ? 50. Have you cheated in this questionaire ? Take your "Yes" Count, multiply by 2. This is your G.D.H. percentile. --------------------------------------------------------------- 0 - 20% Normal Person (Congratulations!) 20 - 40% Stop now before it is to late. 40 - 60% Computer Freak 60 - 80% Social Outcast 80 - 100% You should be behind bars. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Do you wonder what it would be like to be popular or look sexy ? Well stop wondering....here is...: *** A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN EGOTIST *** By Avalon .. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Deary me. Woke up early today; quite a suprise because I stayed up to the naughty hour of 10pm with Jaymes last night! Tch. Tch. I am a devilish girl. Oh my, I found another spot today, while staring in my mirror this morning. I was a good girl today: I only spent 3 hours this time. Oh me. Why did I have to be so cute? Sigh. School was fun today, and there was this real hunk in Chemistry who winked at me from between his test-tubes. I went and chatted to him, he was reaaal cute. He asked me out to go see a movie - oh but I had to say no. Being popular means I can't go out with everybody all at once. I replied he will get his turn like everyone else. Oh deary me. After school I went shopping with mummy, and mummy bought me some nice clothes, just a few small things like a $300 floral skirt and a matching $100 belt. Then mummy let me go to the record store all by myself and I bought another U2 compact disc. Oh those guys are so cute! And so was the spunk who served me. Funny - the first three digits of his phone number are the same as Jaymes! Off to Orchestra! Kathy, my music teacher, said that I wasn't blowing hard enough. Funny, that was what Jaymes said last night too. Oh deary me. Can't please everybody can we? Then I went home and rang up my 300 + friends and talked talked talked till my voice nearly went. I talked about Jaymes and I talked about that spot and I talked about the guy who liked me in Chemistry and I talked about when I bought the U2 Compact Disc and I talked about my orchestra lesson and I talked about me me me it was so much fun. Then I rang up Jaymes but that wasn't so much fun because he wanted to talk too. Men! They always talk so much! Then Matty showed me the latest Dead Rat Society Publication that that naughty Doc writes. I was shocked!! I couldn't understand most of it, but I think he was picking on my ego or something. That nasty boy! I will have to get daddy to talk to him! Nighty-night honeys... I'm going to get my beauty sleep now. Stay cute! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- O C T O B E R A W A R D S ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hopalong Award........................................................Mr Jordan Desperate Award....................................................Fallen Angel Mother Of The Month...............................................Inka Princess Egotripper Of The Month...................................................Yahoo (Have you bonked with Jaymes yet? So slooooow!) Loozer Of The Month.................................................Bruce Wayne "Not Impressed With Rat 5" Award............................................Doc Peodophile Of The Month..............................................The Walrus Apprentice Paedophile Of The Month..................................Bruce Wayne Bitch Of The Month........................................Doc's English Teacher Robin Suit Wearer Award...........................................Greg Williams Nymphet Award.............................................................Yahoo I Used To Be A Nymphet Award......................................Inka Princess ("Did I say that ? (blush)") Claytons Bulletin Board Of The Month...................................The Cafe (The board you logon to when your not logging onto a board!) Claytons Sysop Of The Month...................................Cefiar Channadrac Schizo Of The Month...............................................Captain Blood ("I was NOT talking to myself !") Schizorette Of The Month......................................Psychosonic Cindy ("Neither were we...") MENSA Representative Of The Month...................................Dave Seikel Pisspot Of The Month..................................................Avalon .. "Gee I Look Terrible In The Morning" Award............................Avalon .. "World's Hottest Chilli Chef" Award.........................................Doc (HOT, DAMN HOT !!) "Worst Macro" Award.................................................Dave Seikel Social Paranoic of the Month .........................................Zero Hour Caffeine Freak Of The Month.......................................Inka Princess ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- C R E D I T S ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE SOCIETY CONSISTS OF: Doc [founder] Avalon .. [editor] Mr Jordan [authoress] Cefiar Channadrac [nutty sysop] Captain Blood [complaints dept.] Night Stalker [ye olde faithful sysop] Bruce Wayne [apprentice paedophile] Yahoo (Brigitte) [egotist] Garet Jax [Trade Wars hero] Wally (Lachlan) [communist] Dave Seikel [MENSA representative] General Discomfort [fish exterminator] AND INTRODUCING.. Inka Princess [authoress] The Walrus [author] ALSO.. Lusty (Fallen Angel) The Caller Psychosonic Cindy Eva Fidelas Superboy The Archmage Rebecca Shane Jodi-Lee Michael ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- O T H E R F I N E P U B L I C A T I O N S ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anarchistic Tendencies.......................................by The Evil Angels (the original and the best) The Pure Phun Phile................................................by Mr Jordan (for the kiddies) Little Phun.....&.......................by The Little Girl Appreciation Society (for lovers of kiddies) Reader's Digest...................................................by The C.I.A. (for idiots) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- C A L L T H E S E B O A R D S ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (+61-3) Melbourne, Australia The CrossOver...................364-1282 [always engaged] The Hard Rock Cafe..............894-2815 [4 lines with chat] also The Mad House...................758-9573 [EGOnet host] Chicago.........................728-6698 [1200 & 2400 CCITT, 300 Bell] The Twilite Zone................878-3539 [home of Evil Angels] The Real Connection.............808-0810 808-0331 don't call Truth, Zen, Pacific Island, Megaworks, The Factory or Happy Hacking BBS (also, the Burning Crucifix we think is gone (?)) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ D I S C L A I M E R ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This is not meant to be an insultive phile. Its pure purpose is to offer a phun, enjoyable text phile for the users of the above mentioned boards. As they say in the classics... "However, if you are still offended, stiff shit." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Due to geographical manouvres by the authors, this phile will have a new editor! Introducing the newest member to the society Inka Princess who wishes not to reveal her real name (Sandy Tadman) for fear of general banishment from society. A first for RAT, not that we have a new editor: but because we have an author with talent at last! cya sometime next year (when we get back) Doc & Avalon .. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ this was a publication of the /{ V V V V |o |__I_I________I_I U\__________________\_____ T h e D e a d R a t S o c i e t y -----------------------------------------------------------------------------